Love, Relationships, And Cheating.

This is something I've been thinking about for years. Seven years ago I came to terms with the fact that I don't believe I could be in a monogamous relationship. I've cheated on every girlfriend I've had and so I decided its probably best to not get involved in a serious committed relationship because I would end up cheating on them as always and the relationship would just end with me causing myself and others a lot of heart ache. I also feel that if I meet someone and we're both attracted to each other, we shouldn't have to restrain ourselves from pleasure and joy. Being single I can always pursue an interest in another women wether it be a casual sexual relationship or a casual dating relationship without any restraints or any worries that I'm going to hurt someone.

This also has me wondering if most people can be in a monogamous relationship or what is called by society; true love. I think most of us would define true love as being in love and being faithful to someone for the rest of our lives. But how realistic is that? When you look at divorce rates and the percentage of people who cheat or have cheated on their partner, I think its safe to say that "true love" is unrealistic for most people. And I'm also thinking is cheating really a bad thing? What I mean is, does cheating really make someone an immoral person? I don't believe so. But at the same time why did I get all hurt and heart broken when I got cheated on? Why is cheating viewed as something negative?

I know when you cheat on someone it causes them true emotional pain. So when you look at it in those terms then the simple answer should be that its not OK to cheat because you're hurting someone- especially someone you really care about. Yet its hard for most people to not cheat. So I think the biggest question is why does cheating bother us so much? I think the biggest reason is we as people are very jealous creatures. Why are we so jealous? I'm sure there's some evolutionary explanation. I do know there are people who are in open relationships where both partners are allowed to have other sexual partners and some also have sexual relationships with other people as a couple. But most people feel that relationships and love should be between two people and cheating is by far the worse offense.

I'm starting to feel that relationships would be so much easier if we weren't so jealous. It would be easier if we could separate love and cheating. Like if sleeping with someone other than your partner wasn't considered cheating and it was viewed as something no different than just hanging out with a freind. Because when you really think about it what are you really doing that is wrong? Its just sex. You're just fulfilling a pleasure like you would when you're enjoying a hobby or having you're favorite drink. When I really think heavily about it cheating to me seems just as silly as getting jealous because you're best friend is hanging out with someone else. I know sometimes people do get jealous because of that but I think most can agree that's its silly.

But like I said I understand that cheating does cause others pain and I'm someone who really tries to live a life that would cause people the least amount of pain as possible. Which is why I've decided to stay single. I also feel that I'm a jealous person. I don't think my jealousy level is extreme but I'd say its definitely abobe average. I can't stand feeling jealous I think its one of the worst feelings in the world. And since relationships bring out the jealousy in me its just another reason to avoid them. But anyways I just wanted to put my thoughts out there and maybe you guys can tell me what you think. Is cheating really that bad? Are most people incapable of a monogamy? Would relationships be easier if we weren't so jealous? Would it be considered cheating if you slept with someone else while being in a relationship if the emotion of jealousy didn't exist?

Maybe one day humans will evolve to the point where the feeling of jealousy is rare and free love is considered the norm. Or maybe humans will eventually evolve into creatures who are fully capable of being monogamous, where the temptation of cheating is almost non existent so then we'd be capable of demonstrating "true love" that most of us desire and fantasize.

 

cheating is dishonest and sneaky. This is why its considered negative. Even people in open relationships, people who are not naturally jealous, would have a problem if their partner snuck around behind their back and lied about it.

you're doing the right thing by remaining single

 

"true love" has nothing to do with a monogamous relationship. they are totally different things. if you are incapable of commitment, then that is the issue, but love or true love has nothing to do with cheating. cheating, lying and deception have nothing to do with love. don't confuse them. you can be monogamous with a person and not be in love. some of us (me included) believe that the commitment I have made to my now wife is one of trust. I do not cheat because I do not. I don't lie to her about anything, because I do not lie. period. it is the way I am. if I were to choose to run off with another woman, I would not be married any longer.

 

Love is love.......if not, then it is just pure bull shit.

 

Jealousy isn't silly. It's totally natural. Can you work through it, absolutely, but not without trust. Trust comes with honesty and transparency. If I was in a relationship with someone who told me they were out working but they were out hanging out with their friends, I would feel jealous (maybe) that they were 1. being honest with their friends while lying to me 2. prioritizing their friendships over a truthful relationship with me 3. prioritizing their friendship over work because it would make me feel like I'm being grouped in with work...the boring, responsible, duty that they wanted to avoid in order to do something fun.

The things we do to other people will obviously affect them. We can try to trivialize it all we want, but the truth is these things hurt for a reason. If you're not monogamous you should let the people you deal with know it upfront.

Cheating is horrible but non-monogamy is fine as long as all parties agree. There are all types of relationships. It's important to know what you want and make it clear to those you're involved with.

 

I get what you're saying. But let me try to explain it a different way. Let's say I'm in a relationship and I tell my girlfriend I'm going out tonight to meet up with this other woman and we're going to have sex. In this scenario I'm not being dishonest or sneaky but my girlfreind would still get hurt. Its just the simple fact that most of us get hurt because our partner had sex with someone other than ourselves. So I'm more or less trying to understand why that is. Does that make sense. Let me try another example.

Let's say you ask your partner if you can have sex if you meet someone who's willing. Most people would say no and most would be hurt and would probably end the relationship because of your desire to sleep with other people. I'm just really trying to understand why most of us can't stand the idea of our partner sleeping with someone else. Why is it that we get so jealous? And me asking these questions you could say I'm somewhat challenging these social norms. Even though It really hurts me to get cheated on, in a way I almost feel like it shouldn't.

 

That's not what i'm saying at all. When i used the term "true love" I specifically defined it as what society would consider to be true love. Like I stated in my original post, most of us would define true love as a commitment between two people in a monogamous relationship. Just as you stated you are committed relationship with your wife and you do not lie to her or cheat on her. I know this is not actually "true love" as there are many types of loving relationships as I also stated in my original post. I'm just questioning whether or not most people are capable of being in relationship that society would define as true love.

I also know you don't have to be in love to be in a monogamous relationship. I have had purely sexual monogamous relationships in my life (at least I believe I was because I could of been lied to). I'm not confusing love with cheating. I merely speaking on the topic of cheating while being in a relationship and being in love. I do have issues with commitment as I already mentioned, i have cheated in every relationship I've been in. Im just expressing that i'm being honest with myself and I have come to terms with the fact that I am not capable of being faithful in relationships.

I'm also sort of hoping to to provoke others to give this some thought and to try to be honest with themselves about infidelity because there appears to be a lot of people who also have issues with being faithful but regardless they still believe in what most of us would define as "true love", they still get involved in committed relationships, and they're still willing to get married. I guess i believe that if you're one who's in capable of remaining faithful then you're probably better off remaining single because in the end you're going to save yourself and others a lot of heart ache.

 

"If I was in a relationship with someone who told me they were out working but they were out hanging out with their friends, I would feel jealous (maybe) that they were 1. being honest with their friends while lying to me 2. prioritizing their friendships over a truthful relationship with me 3. prioritizing their friendship over work because it would make me feel like I'm being grouped in with work..."

I believe those examples are legitimate reasons to be jealous although I think in those scenarios I'd be more hurt than anything else because it would seem that my would rather not spend time with me spend time with me.

"Jealousy isn't silly. It's totally natural."

I do know jealousy is perfectly natural. Animals in nature also exhibit jealous behavior. And believe me I'm a pretty jealous person. It's just that when I think about it jealousy seems kind of silly. More specifically when we get jealous because our significant other has sex or wants to have sex with someone else. Let me give you an example. The last woman I was with said her fantasy is to be with another woman while I watched them. I got upset and told her I wouldn't like that. She said, "I thought you would like it, isn't it a typical guys' fantasy?" I told her yeah if you were just a random woman but not with someone that I care about. That really bothered me because I was in a realtionship with her and I cared about her and I wouldn't want her to be with any one else but me.

Like you said, things do hurt for a reason. But what i'm trying to understand and explore is why does it hurt. Why do we get jealous? In my original post I stated that there's probably some evolutionary reason as to why we get jealous when our partner has sex with someone else. My theory is that it has something to do with protecting territory and keeping someone else from having offspring with your mating partner. In nature animals will fight other animals to keep them away from their mating partners to make sure they're the ones who get to mate so they're genes will continue on through generations. It's subconscious and I know humans and relationships are really complex but I feel that's why we have this natural instinct to get jealous and protective when it comes to the person we're in a relationship with. Just some thoughts i had on my mind for years.

There are all types of relationships. It's important to know what you want and make it clear to those you're involved with.

I absolutely agree. I always make it a point to not let anyone on. I always make sure to tell the woman I'm getting involved with that I'm not looking for anything serious and that I'm not interested in being in a committed relationship.

 

I don't like cheaters......

life happens and if someone where to fall in love with someone other than me, I would expect them to let me know, is all.....
As far as jealousy....it is a matter of principle for me....For me certain things are sacred and special and if someone is that way with everyone, it is no longer is special or sacred.....and has no place in my heart or near me.

 

cheating? thats old school. keep everyone well informed and you can do whatever you want. its called an open relationship now lol!

 

I do truly believe that jealousy becomes alive souly from insecurity. I do really believe that jealousy isn't born from anything else but insecurity alone.
That being said, I had become slightly jealous when my bf at the time would tell me who he found attractive. We shared who we found attractive if we ever saw someone. If I was more secure with myself, I wouldn't have felt that way.

But if I were 100% secure about myself, then, honestly I wouldn't have a want/desire in being with someone. Having that desire to have a partner I feel is having a desire to have a better life/situation. Being completely secure with yourself already brings a positive outlook on your life so, I feel you wouldn't wish you had a partner.

If you met someone and fall in love with their character etc, and desire to be with them that way, I don't feel is a desire for a partner(witch in my mind is a desire for a better situation/life) but, is a desire to now settle and explore the world/life of true love. A.K.A. You like this person as a COMPLETE whole. A.K.A. marriage material.
If you liked any of your past girlfriends as a complete whole then you would not have cheated on them.
You've cheated on all of your past girlfriends so, I'm assuming you didn't fully believe any of those women were marriage material.

If you for some reason you feel you did like them as a complete whole then, my guess is, you cheated because you have no interest in actually settling down/finding a permanent girl.
I would assume you only have an interest to play until your youth fades.
If that's the case then, my guess is you cheated because, you haven't met the right girl and your view on "marriage material" is a bit off.


Cheating is a sign of lying and lying is a sign of disrespect and disrespect is a sign that the person does not love/like you.
If you do not love/like these people, then you are using them.
This is why people classify cheating as something negative.

If you ever told yourself that you loved/liked these past girlfriends, then I would seriously re-think that.

That's just my 2 cents

 

I can imagine that it would be because, we are being territorial.
I think that would be a huge part of it.
But, although we are considered mammals, I don't consider us animals. So, I would have to say, if you think about it further on a level of understanding why people do what they do, then that may answer your question more.

Ask yourself, "Why do I cheat?"
Once you figure out the answer, then you've figured out why many others cheat as well.

If I ever found out my bf/husband was cheating on me, I can't lie and say I wouldn't feel hurt. I would. I can tell you though, that I would feel happy to know that this person is one to make mistakes. He is one to not think before he acts and he is one to act on selfish impulse.
I wouldn't get upset with him or the other girl. I'd just say it's over.

People cheat on people. People lie to people. People use other people.
I've seen this all too many times.
Rather then letting myself get emotional about my bf/husband cheating on me, I think about it logically.
Not a lot of people think before they feel. Too many people act souly on emotion.
People get hurt because, they don't think about why/where/when/how.
They stay intuned with themselves and their emotions/desires/fears etc In other words, they are too selfish.
After all, we are in a selfish world.

They get hurt after knowing you had sex with someone else rather then them because, they did not think before they felt.
That's what I believe.

 

But why is she hurt? You could hurt her in 2 different ways either by telling or by cheating about the fwb. I personally prefer more the telling and see how she's handleing it ... see what will rise up and evolve ... and true love is if you could face it what comes out of this situation - the rest is called cheating and it will deteregoate the whole relationship

MY view

 

It's not that hard. If you do not want to be in a monogamous committed relationship, then don't get in one. It ain't for everybody.

And...jealousy is not a normal thing..it's is insecurity.

 

Ithink for you it's best to be up front with whoever you are going to have sex with or see or date. Tell them you are not looking for a serious relationship. I think if you are up front with them then you are being honest and then they can decide whether they want to hang with you for the night or longer. Some people can't or are just incapable of being in a committed relationship. Just be honest and clear about what you want. Hiring people is not a good thing.

 

So here's what you do. You got to openminded.com, start a profile and be completely 100% honest about everything you want in it. It's for people looking for open or polyamorous relationships. Everyone there knows what's up. It's not cheating, it's open, it's honest, you get what you want, no one gets hurt. It's 2015. There are ways to do what you want to do and not lie.

 

But insecurities are also normal. Certainly to a certain degree. Maybe if it gets out of proportion or acted upon crazy it can be seen as abnormal behaviour

 

Agreed. Jealousy is a reality of human nature that even polyamorous people have to deal with. No one likes to feel like someone is better than them or that they are being left behind for someone else. I have a rule when I'm dating that I don't want to know if he finds someone else attractive unless he is afraid he feels like he's in danger of cheating or leaving me for her. You'd be surprised how much I had to tell my last bf not to discuss this with me. He was just being open and honest, which is fine if that's how he operates, but I found it disrespectful, especially when I had to tell him repeatedly to stop. It's all about respect. Are you really okay with her checking out other dudes in front of you or talking about who she'd love to bang at work? If you are, that still doesn't give you license to judge her or be upset with her for not being okay with it. People are who they are. You have to take them or leave them.

 

Assume it is really the way you explain.... Jealousy = insecurity
I don't get what are the consequences out of it? I mean: my reading of these kind of statement is like the following 'You are jealous because you are insecure. If you are not insecure than you get rid of jealousy. So, get rid of insecurity, fix it.'
Perhaps I read too much of it .... nevertheless curious how to overcome 'insecurity'? Building a fortress? Calling SWAT to secure your house? Or just by reciting a mantra like 'I'm not any longer insecure. I don't fear anybody - I trust everybody' ?

Sorry, I'm getting carried away - still curious what should one do with that kind of equation?