Since I've come out, well, always, really, my life has felt rather dissapointing... For example, I met a guy that could've been my soulmate seven years ago. I basically used him to test my sexual orientation and ended up having his child in the end. I didn't particularly like him at first, as he came on too strong, but there was chemistry, just no sexual feelings on my part. Years later, I realized he was connected to everyone from my cousin to my family's old border! It's so sad when a child seems like it was meant to be born, though it's parents can't be together because of things like sexual orientation and alcoholism(he is in recovery) Now, cut to today... Went shopping with a man I met on a coparenting site. Helped him pick out shirts. Then, he bought me designer perfume and tea/dessert. I really didn't want him to, not only because I was meeting a stranger for the first time and thought I might be required to reciprocate for it in the future, even though he knows I'm gay. But, also, because I could give a shit about material things. At the same time, even though I consider myself a soft butch lesbian, I almost need someone to take care of me financially like that. But, with him, even if we had a child and I did most of the raising, I would feel bad about taking advantage of him like that, because I don't feel sexually attracted to him whatsoever. And I never will to a man. I see my straight friends having children and getting engaged, and it makes me very jealous, but all I need to do is stop feeling bad for being a user, and I could have what they have, too. But I just can't. And so for those of you who think being gay is just a label, and you simply fall for the person, not the sex, sorry, that's crap, lol! Seriously, though, are these feelings characteristic of how lesbians feel, or am I just too nice of a person to ask for what I want out of life?
