Starving For Control

I've been starving myself for control. I don't eat after 1pm. I love feeling hungry. It makes me feel disciplined.

It's because of the negative daydreams I mentioned, where people try to humiliate me and dominate my will. It feels awful.

I figure I don't have control over how people treat me. I'm not a fighter. I can't fight authority. I can't fight society and the backstabbing normals and blind followers who want me to conform. I can't deal with jealousy or being seen as a threat or an easy target. But I can control how much I eat.

Celibacy is control, but because it's expected of me, it makes me feel like others have the control, so to hell with that.

When I'm starving, I focus on the sensation and it makes the daydreams go away. I think I just need something to obsess over.

I hope I don't sound nuts lol.

What are your thoughts?

Btw, I've lost 21 pounds. My goal weight is 115-120.

 

Dam nit.I'm a control freak in many ways.I can relate to what you're saying.Freud would call it "The pleasures of retention." Unless I have a partner,I hate to ejaculate.This is how this manifests with me.In other ways I am very indulgent,when it comes to drink and drugs,but I'd rather be doing that than be a porn addict.A lot of the time I hate the "gaze" of others,but trying to see Buddha nature in everyone is helping me with that.Like today in the supermarket they were playing "Man in The Mirror" by Michael Jackson and I was just looking around and seeing the beauty in everyone.Sometimes we just have to try to learn to enjoy some small aspect of our predicament.Namaste!

 

this may seem like a harmless way to maintain control over your life but it sounds like it could progress into full blown anorexia which can be life threatening. Have you discussed this with your therapist? You really should before it gets out of control.
in a way I can relate. I maintain control over my life with my ocd cleaning habits, but that's not life threatening. You're really playing with fire.

 

I don't think it's worth trying to help you.

Not because it's such a very difficult problem - but because some people are a drag in the first place, and enjoy creating and having problems - trying to help them is only feeding them. It's not an eating disorder or unhealthy behavior that's the real problem, it's the totality of YOU, and how you see and approach problems.

I don't hope that you die, or end up with terrible bone or tissue wasting, or in a coma, or weak and prone to die much younger of whatever cause, than you would if you took good care of your health.

I also don't hope that those things don't happen to you.

It's a problem you have made very consciously and knowingly and deliberately.

You only live once - hope you enjoy whatever you do with this life.

I will say, though, that this isn't a situation of you wanting to control yourself, this is a situation of you trying to control others, by how much you eat - this is both a fool's errand, and slightly offensive, and I do wish you some (proportional to your success - so, rather small) amount of ill for it.

 

Seriously.

 

This room smells like hotel illness
The scars that I hide are none of your business
Can't seem to make hair nor hide of this
Tell you, baby, love ain't a punishment

 

Geez Louise.

I'm sorry if this is aggravating. But you don't know what it's like to hear voices.

It's jeopardizing my standing at this easy job. It makes me feel depressed and sluggish, if not fearful, paranoid, outraged, apathetic, humiliated, confused, misunderstood, etc. It's making it next to impossible to quit smoking, especially since I had to quit drinking or be thrown in the hospital for six months.

I mostly happy and positive. I'm social and I live a good life. It's just this internal issue that I've been trying to fix on my own, with very little help from my therapist. I've tried reading spiritual books (see Resist Nothing?), being a loner, hedonism (the idea was to distract myself with fun and just have an "I don't give a shit" attitude towards oppression), positive self-talk, mindfulness, meditation, prayer (countless times) and many, many other things.

I guess I'll just try to be normal so I won't be embarassed in real life. I will take the advice of the psychologist to stand up for myself against the voices and follow my inner voice, which is amazing

 

"but I've tried all these crutches, you don't know what it's like to really want an easy out!"

The simple answer that you won't like is, deal with it.

You can't just decide to try those things any more than you can suddenly decide that you're going to be a different religion - it's not real, it's inherently fake if you could just go decide to do it like that.

Your threads about just being a different person are more like putting on a costume - and not even being able to fool yourself.

You can just DO things differently - if you have to decide on some absolutist ideology to follow, it's not going to work. Absolutes and abstinence in human behavior simply do not work - they don't lead to healthy thought processes, effective coping with stressors, or happiness/contentment - in fact, they add more stressors, and if they appear to work, only do so because the other stressors are so bad that it diverts your attention from your other problems.

You seem obsessed with control and absolutes. These things don't work. The only way to change is to make the right choices as they come up - you can't just decide to change, and have your problems fixed in advance. If you'll have a problem with something later today, your asinine decision to be a hedonist, or slut, or loner, or anorexic, will not have solved that problem and will not help you solve that problem.

As I recall, you're just one of silverhippie's alters anyway. Could be wrong - but I'll always think of him and his flock when I see you post, because of timing and behavior. (And don't bother denying it, that's entirely meaningless)


But no, it's not aggravating - I realize that you'd like it to be; as I said, your whole point is controlling others by making poor personal choices, for the validation that their worry gives you. My pointing it all out doesn't mean I'm aggravated - quite the opposite: I enjoy psychology and conversation, so I'm having fun - but I'm still indifferent to your starvation or lack thereof.

 

I want to talk to the "voices" in TheSamantha's personal space.

Dear "voices" in TheSamantha's personal space,

Please stop hurting her. I know you can do it. I even know that you want to stop hurting her. She wants to feel better and so do you! When you share space with others, they matter just as much as you do. Lots of people, on the inside and on the outside, are hurt. Some are very very angry. But there's goodness there too and.. well, this part is true: goodness just feels better. A LOT better. Try it! Be GOOD to TheSamantha, and see what happens.

You might like it!

When all else fails, there is always bacon.

Dear "voices" in TheSamantha's personal space .. do you like bacon? I like bacon. I like bacon so much that I'm going to give this Backonkit to myself for a Thanksgiving present. If you're nice to TheSamantha maybe she'll give you presents, too. Sweet!

http://youtu.be/EkPzJskxnro

Time is up, "voices" in TheSamantha's personal space. Time to change and be nice. No more of this and this but lots more of this and this

Let us know how you do. Keep practicing until you master it. I know you can do it!

Have a good day, "voices" in TheSamantha's personal space.



Dear TheSamantha,

Do what it takes, TheSamantha. Life is never going to be perfect all of the time, but believe that you'll feel better. Believe that things can improve. Believe that it's already happening. Make a hundred threads if you want to. Well, you know what I mean. But if you don't know what I mean, what I mean is: just don't give up.

 

I'm NOT trying to be aggravating. You may be "into psychology" or whatever, but you're not psychic.

I don't control anyone, nor do I want to. No one around me even knows the difference. Who knows I'm a "slut?" No one. Who knew when I was a loner? No one.

What's worrysome about reading spritual books and practicing mindfulness? Or meditating? Or positive self-talk? Or hell, even a strict diet? Or casual sex with true gentlemen? Or pleasure and fun? Or keeping to myself and being more a homebody? Do you see anything in ANY of that that would cause someone to be worried about me??

I don't bother anyone. I leave people to their own devices, it's the libertarian in me. I believe people have a right to do what they want, insofar as they're not infringing on anyone else's right to do whatever they want. I was not raised around people who believed that, not so much my mom, but everyone else. They believed in order, conformity, perfection, and obedience. It's also rampant in the media, Camille Paglia, Dr. Drew, Dr. Phil, Oprah, Iyanla Vanzant, you name it. So I internalized it.

I didn't understand half of what you said. I do agree about being authentic rather than cutting off parts of myself though.

 

Thank you Sheela for being so loving, caring, and supportive! :daisy:

 

Oh look, disingenuous rationalization and reality-dodging, in a disingenuous attention seeking thread. Fancy that.

Carry on.

 

Yeah because you can totally read my mind buddy. You know EXACTLY what it's like to hear voices, because you're an expert. A regular Dr. Phil. Typical passive-aggressive ragaholic. Quasi-intellectual.

 

you sound like you are more concerned at looking in the mirror than your own health.

you talk about love feeling hungry, cause of daydreams? then people try to humiliate me and dominate your will. It feels awful... wtf?

well so far you are asking for what you are fed. looks like its gonna continue that way.


you don't have control over how people treat you. However you do have control over how people treat you by how you control your own life.

You have a eating disorder whether you realize it or not, and it makes you feel comfortable or not..because how much you eat or don't eat gives you power over other circumstances because you feel helpless in others.

Take your post to Africa or India, or parts of China or the fucking streets.

Grow up, people are forced into your weight and less tell it kills them because of life situations. You crave attention and have social anxiety problems for reasons we don't know.

Buy a plane ticket to a 3rd world country then see if you feel pound to drop to that weight.

 

But you aren't in control. You aren't eating, which is a dangerous and unreasonable behavior, leading me to believe that your disease is the one in control.

 

I lived in Africa for SEVEN YEARS. I was happy, poor people seemed happy for the most part. We had rebels surround our house, my dad was an alcoholic who beat my mom right in front of me, he impregnated another woman while married to my mom, then he left her and started another family. There was also one molestation incident.

We were multimillionaires who lost EVERYTHING in the war. My mom went from being principal of the private school my grandmother built from the ground up, celebrity screenwriter who made three popular movies, and owner of a basketball team to being an usher at a movie theater. I went to a snob high school where people called me ghetto, because they had no clue where I came from.

But I was happy in Africa. I was normal. I didn't think about things like being a loner, being a hedonist, being an atheist, etc. It just never occurred to me to think like that.

I have been hospitalized seven times for schizophrenia.

So don't underestimate First World problems.

 

well damn. so we gotta play poker.

think of it like..

the only one that knows you been hospitalized for schizophrenia is you.

if you want to tell people you have and want to talk about it, clarify it.

if you don't want to talk about it, then maybe nobody needs to know. so don't talk about it!

we choose how we learn.

split personalities and competition!

 

Looking back at this thread, I think Roorshack was right. I think is advice was accurate and gave me things to think about.

It's just so hard to let go. Something about the stupid public or the ways of the world, coupled with the bitchy past, bothers me and I keep getting reminded of it via these obnoxious daydreams.

I am prepared to say "shit happens" but I don't have a choice to do that because I'm not atheist. I'm also not Christian because I don't believe the whole original sin story from the Garden of Eden or whatever other reasons it says people suffer. I don't use a label. I don't have a worldview when it comes to that.

The first time I considered hedonism was when I asked a friend if all my suffering in the past was all in vain and I didn't benefit from it in any way, shape, or form, like I didn't become the type of person no one fucks with. He said people who feel that way turn to hedonism to right the wrongs, like by not being a hard worker because it doesn't necessarily lead to success or happiness and I have already paid my dues. I wanted to just say fuggit. But that's not realistic either.

It might be nice to be a full free spirit who just operates sort of like a Buddhist, letting the thoughts float in and out and just agreeing to be offended as world things or people things pop up. Doing nothing. No one to become. But it's hard to just 'deal.' I find myself saying "how" do you deal? My motto was "if life gives you lemons, make lemonade" and "every cloud has a silver lining." It just turned out to be another cruel lie.

I think I should be fair to myself though. I never rebelled as a teenager. I have never once done something for the purpose of annoying my family. Never. I also don't seek for people to be worried about me or pay attention. For a very long time, I was a loner. That was deemed fine so it was harmless, so I did it. Safe and sound. No one knew. Perfect. If I was to embark on this strict diet, no one would know either because I wear big dresses and long skirts. I only stopped when my therapist told me to because that's not what I want...

?

 

I just realized that one of the things I don't like about how the world works is that virtually all men cheat on their wives. They are encouraged to be sex addicted dickheads who can't think reasonably, often to the point where they end up spreading diseases and harming innocent people. People excuse male infidelity by saying that guys like variety and that their brains are wired that way and some even saying they evolved to be like that, all of which I think is spurious and enabling. Black women raise their daughters but love their sons. It's a man's world so men get away with a lot more, especially since women are seen as easily molded.