Ok I'm going to try to make this as short as possible but still provide enough details so everyone knows whats going on. I've known my current boyfriend for about 10 years. We started officially dating in January although we had been an on and off thing for about 2 years. I broke up with him in early June because I was going through some tough times in my life and I tend to push people away and lock them out. I started dating another guy who was a really good friend of mine who my boyfriend didn't like but used to be friends with. I have no idea what I was thinking...like I said...was going through a tough time and tend to make stupid decisions in times like those. This new guy was a complete a******. He lied to me throughout the entire relationship and broke up with me telling me it was because he was leaving in 3 weeks but that night I logged onto facebook and saw that he was already in a relationship with another girl. Dick move. I was kind of relieved though because I knew I still loved my ex boyfriend but I felt like he wouldn't take me back after I was with this guy so thats why I stayed in the relationship. I ended up talking to my ex and although he was mad after about a day he came around and said that he loved me too and he really wanted to be able to work through this. I thought everything was okay until I found out that he had slept with a girl while we were broken up. It was a girl that I knew he had been hanging around with and I had a feeling something was going to happen between them. He told me that it was just a random thing that they slept together and he doesn't think of her in that way at all and she's really only more of a friend. She's one of those annoying girls who also likes every single guys status updates/photos on facebook. She does it to a few of my guy friends and to my boyfriend. I feel like a 16 year old girl when I say this but, it bothers me. I hate seeing after everything he posts that she likes it. He told me he has no problem deleting her off of facebook but I told him not to because then she'll know it got to me. They don't really talk anymore but he told me that they were never a thing and that whole sleeping together thing was like I said, a random weird thing. I'm not mad at him for sleeping with her because he had every right to, he was single and didn't owe anything to me. I'm just hurt that she slept with him. This probably sounds crazy and I don't mean it to be crazy but I'm pretty territorial of the people i love and he's obviously one of them so it sucks to know that she got to have sex with him. I hate it. He hates the fact that I was with this other guy and I did even worse than him so I can only imagine what he's feeling. He told me he's just trying to put it in the past and move on but for me, that's easier said than done. As mentioned before, this guy I dated for a month toyed with my emotions like no other. I don't trust anyone now because I can see how cruel people can be...even the people you would never think would hurt you. I'm just trying to get other peoples ideas on how to let this go. I find myself forgetting it for a few days and then I see her on facebook or something or someone brings up her name and it feels like my heart drops into my stomach. Me and my boyfriend have talked this stuff through a million times but ugh it just sucks. I know there's nothing I can do and like I said, he did absolutely nothing wrong...we were broken up. I just find myself so frustrated with all of this that I keep picking fights over nothing. Our fights are clean and are usually resolved pretty quickly. Idk...i'm just struggling. I know he's struggling with this too but we both love each other and know we can make it work but anyone have any tips?
"I'm not mad at him for sleeping with her because he had every right to, he was single and didn't owe anything to me. I'm just hurt that she slept with him. This probably sounds crazy and I don't mean it to be crazy but I'm pretty territorial of the people i love and he's obviously one of them so it sucks to know that she got to have sex with him. I hate it. He hates the fact that I was with this other guy and I did even worse than him so I can only imagine what he's feeling. He told me he's just trying to put it in the past and move on but for me, that's easier said than done." ... ooo-kayyy Just warning you, I am going to be brutally honest and not assessing how you tell yourself you feel but how I think you actually feel on a more subconscious scale from a non-subjective viewpoint. You might want to stop reading now. Question: You say you're not mad at him for sleeping with her. Are you? Answer: Yes, actually, you're furious, confused, and quite frankly terrified - actually, come to think of it, being angry is usually a result of being afraid, so it's kind of one in the same. Anyway, you're terrified not only because of the fact that he slept with someone who wasn't you - which of course doesn't sit well with you to begin with because, as you said, you're "territorial" - but you're also terrified because of your own more recent experience with another man. You need to realize that your boyfriend is NOT this asshole that you dated for a month and cheated on you. Are you hurt that she slept with him, as you say, or are you hurt because he slept with her? Just think about that. And don't bullshit yourself. I hate it when people lie to themselves. I hate it when I lie to myself... Question: You say you feel he didn't owe you anything, because you were single. But is that how you really felt? Answer: No, of course not, because if love is real he wanted to stay with you and help you through the bad times, but you pushed him away. And the worst part is, somewhere inside you you wanted him to stay, but you let yourself get out of control and silenced that part of you. And, as you said, since you're territorial, or more accurately I suppose I should use the word "possessive" - there's nothing wrong with a possessive relationship, by the way, so long as it's balanced - and you still subconsciously wanted him, you feel even more hurt. Question: Why did you break up and start dating a new guy, in such a bad period of your life? Answer: You were going through a rough period. You saw everything going to shit and your pessimistic side decided that that applied to your relationship. You decided to break it off because you could not see the good in him, or did not want to or whatever. Did you go into the new relationship, first with your asshole friend and now with your boyfriend, wanting a relationship or needing one? When you left, you still wanted someone who could solve your problems, or at least satisfy the basic human desire for a partner - basically, instead of going into that relationship wanting a relationship, and notice I didn't say boyfriend, but relationship, you went into it needing a relationship, so you took someone who made himself readily available, and then he used you, which is sick in its own right. The difference between wanting and needing a relationship is life or death in the game of love. SO... you went back to the man you loved... but you probably went back needing it, not wanting it. As you said, you clearly haven't moved on, both from the end of your relationship with this guy and the end of your relationship with the asshole. You haven't had time to heal. And because of that you're not giving your boyfriend a chance. Last question, and perhaps the most important one... Do you trust him? Relationships are basically a sharing, combined with powerful emotions like lust and desire and other things. With your mind and body on that kind of line, trust is naturally an integral part of relationships, so in order to have a real relationship, you have to trust that person with your life. Everything I've seen you write suggests that you don't. You're afraid, angry, confused, and quite frankly probably jumped back in too early without allowing time to heal from what has obviously been a pretty nasty period in your life. ...I don't honestly know how to help. I was in one of these "relationships". It started as something beautiful for both of us... but in the end, I think we both stopped trusting each other, without even realizing it. In the end, I couldn't fix it. I don't know if I could have. I just wanted to try to put everything out in the open, maybe provide some kind of insight you missed. Now you have to figure out what to do. This question is basically asking... are you even in a relationship? Maybe it's time to ramble on
yea enjoy being single. its cool to have a partner but being single can be awsome. what city do you live in? i live in miami and the night scene is geared towards singles. i mean hot singles that like to party. go out socialize and no matter how good you think your ex was, i bet you could find someone else just as cool or even better. i was in a long relationship at one point too and i got dumped hard as fuck! but after years of hooking up with hot chicks i look back and it was probably the best thing that could've happend to me. i am way more confident have way more friends and do dope ass shit cuz i live a dope as life and i wouldnt trade it for any girl. my problem now is that i have a bunch of girls trying to tie me down, but thats a cool problem to have. best advice ever: learn to be happy just by yourself. learn who you are, learn what your limits are, how far can you push yourself? then push yourself a bit further, you will be amazed at what you can accomplish. when you are a self actualized human being and are honestly happy by yourself, you will be free, truly free. you can be selfish and do whatever you want whenever you want, thats real freedom babe!
