Single for the first time since I was 14

During that time, I was with one guy for 4 years, another guy for 8 years (and was engaged to him) and the last one lasted 8 months (only the first two were really happy). I know I need to be single for a while to figure out who I am. I have this nasty habit of losing myself in a relationship and being who they want me to be until I can't give anymore. then I become resentful and sappy or climbing the walls needing to get out and get some variety. I am sure this is because I haven't been able to figure out who I am and know what I want and what I don't, because no one knows who the hell they are or what they want at 14... I feel like I'm coming out of a time warp. I don't know what to do. I broke up with my boyfriend 5 days ago. I was talking to my mom and she suggested I try to stay single for 6 months. I think that's a good goal to shoot for. No more "this could be it, I have to go for it" thinking. Because I can't give what a real, serious relationship requires if I am not whole myself.

The biggest problem has been the loneliness... And the fact that I don't know what the hell to do with myself when I am not worrying about pleasing someone else constantly. I feel so much lighter with this latest thing over. It was really dragging me down and it will probably leave scars that will last a while... We hurt each other a lot. I'm worried that I'm going to lose touch with reality and become an agoraphobe or something. I have been fighting my anxiety for years and I've always been able to tell it off, but right now, I just feel weak... Everything is scary and hard right now...

I know I made the correct decision. I know I made the healthy decision. I know I'm not going to get what I want, but what I need in this situation. I just want this part to be over. I want someone to tell me what to do, but when they do, I want to tell them to fuck off. -_-

 

giggity giggity goo.. hello there, so what you doing tonight, wanna grab a drink.

good luck FireflyInTheDark..

 

Spending time on you is a good place to be. Taking the time to really know what you want is a step in the right direction.

Sorting is never a really comfortable place to be in but one that brings growth with time.

Best wishes to you as you find what you want and need.

 

Do the 6 months or best of it you can, I did between many relationships, not that they were bad breakups or such but it gave me time to find me again because even in a good relationship you tend to become what the relationship was a bit and jumping into a new one you might be looking for some of the good parts of the old one.
Some of mine had to stop due to a move and so they weren't including any war, possessions and stuff like a bad divorce would be but I still missed them and would have wanted some of that back. Even my divorce to my first husband was handled like a golden handshake and a "Thanks for the good times" We had no kids so that might have helped our parting.
I took anywheres from a few months to much longer but sometimes someone walks into your life and spoils your Me time thing. Try to take it, you probably need it if this last one wasn't so nice. Don't worry that he might see you still single, it's you that's gonna get a good man this time, at the right time. It's not about having a man it's about picking the right one that's gonna respect you and treat you at least as good as he'd like to be treated. Partnership, love and peace.

 

Learn a skill

 

Lace Up

 

I would recommend developing a strong bond with another female friends. When I look back on all my relationships, the ones that mean the most to me are not my romantic relationships but my female friendships.

 

Thanks all for feedback and encouragement. It's been confusing, but the more time that passes, the more I feel like we're all okay and I don't have to worry about them, the more I feel like it is actually going to be okay and I can FINALLY focus on me. It was very difficult the first couple days, and at times the pain, anger and loneliness were unbearable... I just never want to feel that way again... I know it's all part of the process but I'm not ready for it. Time to do something else...

My ex-fiance and I are actually really good friends and my most recent ex-boyfriend has taken the split extraordinarily well and is ready to be on his own as well. We have hung out a couple times since the split. I like it. There are no expectations anymore. We can just focus on hanging out, having fun, being friends. Makes me feel like I haven't really lost anything, but gained a better friend than a lover... And I feel so lucky. Not everyone gets to have that.

 

ended an 8 year run right after a 5 year run and my doctor told me that I had to have no contact with woman for at least a year...365 days and I had never been single once in my life. Some woman was always waiting right there to pounce.

It was brutally hard at first, I got the flu right after the split and ended up being alone for a week sick in bed. I had to fight the urge because she kept wanting back in.

My doc told me no dates or sex but I lasted around 6 months but I found that I had already started to learn. I love my me time now and probably a little too much.

I have dated a few woman and find that their needy-ness pulls really hard and I don't want that at all.

take the time to find you and find what you like. I found it was totally weird because I had done for them for my whole life and didn't have a clue who I was.

I'd meet someone new and transform into what they wanted...now I am me and I know what I want and I don't want bullshit.

take the time, you deserve it.

 

so, who's the new boyfriend?

 

Haha, you bad boy,,,

 

Oh please, are you listening to yourself?

That sounds more like it.


If you want to know who you are, just look at your drivers license

 

For once there isn't one. The last one and I are still fwb, though. Does that count? That's as close as I want to get for a while. I'll probably nix that at some point, too, but fuck he's hot and while I know he's not what I want emotionally, physically that is exactly what I need right now. Some goddamn fun for once...

 

I've watched how you write and talk about yourself since I've been here. You're a strong woman. Give yourself that much credit. You're smart, innovative, and loving. Take care of yourself, love yourself, before getting back into the dating scene.

But when you do I got first dibs on dating ya!

 

Maybe you're just the kind of person who prefers to be in a relationship and define yourself by your relationship to your SO. There are a lot of people (men and women) like that *shrug*.

Ideally, you'll find a boyfriend who you don't have to conform to or change for. You'll have the same interests and feel free to independently explore the interests that you don't share.

 

Enjoy your freedom, Firefly.

 

I'l give her two weeks max

 

Hey Firefly, good for you for realizing your situation stunk and you did something about it. Life sucks right now I’m sure and there’s no quick fix for that and drinking yourself into a coma or jumping back into another relationship are duct tape fixes at best. You’re 26 right now and realizing the fact that at age 14, you didn’t have things figured out, at 18 and 21 you probably felt on top of the world but looking back you didn’t have everything figured out. And now at age 26 you understand you still don’t have things figured out. Know what? You’ll never get everything figured out but you do get wiser as the years go on. That said whatever you do want out of life is still obtainable. It’s not like your biological clock is ticking or anything. In your mind these relationships might seem like they’ve proven disastrous but you’ve grown a lot, learned a lot about other people and yourself too.

Taking time off however painful is good advice for sure, though it is lonely as well as you pointed out and gives you a lot of time to wallow. Every day will get better though and in time you’ll find strength you didn’t know you had. Far as relationships go though. Maybe since you’ve had years and years of long relationships maybe you should just treat it as go out and have fun and nothing more. Meaning you meet a nice guy, then fine. Keep it simple and still keep dating & don’t enter into a relationship unless you really think you’ve found Mr. Right. And if you do still take it very slow. If he is Mr. Right he’ll stick around. taking it slow or casual doesn’t have to mean sex or no sex. You decide on that, taking it slow means emotionally you don’t commit or commit very slowly and keep an open playing field mind. Dating should be just that, dating, with no commitments, no strings, it’s whatever you make of it.

Far as you beating yourself up over wanting to please your man and not really going after what it is you want, don’t beat yourself up too much over this. You have a personality type that just kind of does that and it’s nothing to be ashamed of or get pissed over. And realizing this is good food for thought for you as well. I’ve been married for 15 years and my wife has held the reigns since day one. I’m not ashamed to admit it. One person usually takes on the leadership role and overall controls or guides things. Far as you wanting to please your men or put their interests above yours, this is part of how you are built and it is a very giving trait to have, so long as it’s not taken advantage of by your partner, then it becomes more abusive.

By all means though, take some time. Do a lot of soul searching. Figure out what it is you want. And in the meantime there’s seriously nothing wrong with going out with friends, hitting up a few clubs, doing the whole casual dating thing. If that’s too much for you to grasp or is not your thing then buy all means don’t do it. I’m just trying to convey that it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. There’s a good medium ground as well. Good luck on the up road!

 

Maybe you could be my sponsor, Gorilla. Like in AA. I could call you up in the middle of the night going "I NEED A MAN. JUST ONE. JUST TO KEEP ME STRAIGHT." And you can talk me down off the ledge and be like "No you don't, Firefly. Go back to sleep." Or some variation of that. Feel free to make it your own. I'll need your number now.


Thanks everyone for responses. All are extremely helpful.
The ex bf came over the other night. We had a lot of fun. For a split second I entertained the notion that if we had kept it light like this, we would have been fine. But I know that's not what I want out of a real relationship. I have a right to want what I want, and if I am not getting it, I should look elsewhere. This kid is too young to deliver what I need (he just turned 23). He needs to go fuck around and get it out of his system. He's not finished cooking yet... And I guess due to my past, neither am I.