young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now completely nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me..."
Teacher: "Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?" Little Johnny: "None." Teacher: "Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?" Little Johnny: "None." Teacher: "Can you explain that answer?" Little Johnny: "One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left." Teacher: "Well, that isn't the correct answer, but I like the way you think." Little Johnny: "Teacher, can I ask a question?" Teacher: "Sure." Little Johnny: "There are three women in the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?" Teacher: "The one sucking the cone." Little Johnny: "No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."
I love Little Johnny jokes----I forget who tells them-----but I love them. I can never remember them until I hear them...
Why were more black GI's than white GI's killed in Vietnam? Because every time someone yelled "Get down!" all the black GI's leapt up and started dancing.
Here's a joke that earned me a three day ban in Lotro: Why would it suck to be a black jew? Because you have to sit in the back of the oven.
Today is daylight savings time and I went to visit a friend who suffers from Dyslexia. There he was on his porch with a can of black spray paint, spraying it on his penis. I said "No no you idiot, you're supposed to turn your CLOCK BACK!
Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell and Trump were playing golf on one of his courses when all three got hit by lightening on the eighteenth green. They ended up in front of God on his throne, and he asked them what they believed....Ryan said he believed in the integrity of the GOP, McConnell said he believed in the right wing cause....Trump said, "I believe you're in my seat."
Reminds me of a book written by an American soldier whose job it was to read and censor the mail being sent to/from American soldiers fighting in WWII. The overall purpose of the book was to tell the history of sex and war and the impact each has on the other. For example, he talks about Europeans being much more open about their sexuality. American soldiers brought this openness back to America from both WWI and WWII, forever impacting our culture and views on sexuality. One of those practices was oral sex. He said the term "French kiss" originated as slang for a blowjob in WWI before morphing into our current interpretation of a "sensual kiss". In addition to censoring tactical information, he was ordered to censor out all references to sex due to America's strict views on morality and decency. He said he always felt guilty censoring sexual references because they were private. He used the following as an example of something he was forced to censor from a letter. The letter was from a soldier to his wife: "Take a long hard look at the floor because when I get home you're going to see nothing but ceiling"
What's the difference between a guy who's lonely and a guy who is homosexual? The guy who is lonely has no friends. The guy who is homosexual has friends up the ass. My mother told me that joke when I was about 14. Yes! My mother. I miss you mom. Another of my favorite jokes. A guy gets on an elevator. A woman is already on. He presses the button and as soon as the doors close he looks to her and asks, "Excuse me ma'am, can I smell your pussy?" She looks at him with disgust and replies 'HELL NO!" He says "Damn! That must be your feet."
Why did God give men penises? So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up. Know what a 6.9 is? Another good thing screwed up by a period. Q: What did one broke hooker ask the other? A: Lend me $10 till I'm on my back again. Q: Have you heard the one about the lesbian that took Viagra? A: She couldn't get her tongue back in her mouth for a month! Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A: A wet nose. If you force sex on a prostitute, is it rape or shoplifting?
A young fellow found a magic lamp laying on the beach. Feeling blessed, he vigorously rubbed the lamp until a Genie came out. The Genie, informed the man that in thanks for releasing him from his lamp, he would grant him three wishes. The fellow said, my first wish is to be thin. My second wish is, I want to be White. Lastly, I want to be surrounded by pussy. So the Genie turned him into a Tampon. Of couse, there was a string attached... It was sort of an "inside joke".
...Meanwhile back at the cabin, the Lone Rangers tied to the table and Tonto's shooting off his knob.
A Catholic priest and a Rabbi were taking kids to Disney world when the planes engines quit....there were only two parachutes...the Rabbi threw one to the priest and said let's get out of here...the priest asked what about the kids...the Rabbi screw the kids...the priest asked Do you think we have time?
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, and thought you were very cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"