Dirty Jokes

Discussion in 'Humor' started by Annwyn'Bri, May 3, 2014.

  1. Rots in hell

    Rots in hell Senior Member

    Messages:
    11,133
    Likes Received:
    7,213
    young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
    While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
    The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
    As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
    The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
    After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

    He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
    Now completely nude, she purred at him,
    "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

    Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!"
    Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me..."

     
  2. expanse

    expanse Supporters HipForums Supporter

    Messages:
    2,147
    Likes Received:
    1,385
    Teacher: "Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"

    Little Johnny: "None."

    Teacher: "Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"

    Little Johnny: "None."

    Teacher: "Can you explain that answer?"

    Little Johnny: "One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left."

    Teacher: "Well, that isn't the correct answer, but I like the way you think."

    Little Johnny: "Teacher, can I ask a question?"

    Teacher: "Sure."

    Little Johnny: "There are three women in the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?"

    Teacher: "The one sucking the cone."

    Little Johnny: "No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."
     
  3. Mountain Valley Wolf

    Mountain Valley Wolf Senior Member

    Messages:
    2,584
    Likes Received:
    933
    I love Little Johnny jokes----I forget who tells them-----but I love them. I can never remember them until I hear them...
     
    1 person likes this.
  4. Woody72

    Woody72 Members

    Messages:
    18
    Likes Received:
    1
    Why were more black GI's than white GI's killed in Vietnam? Because every time someone yelled "Get down!" all the black GI's leapt up and started dancing.
     
  5. Lobber

    Lobber Members

    Messages:
    14
    Likes Received:
    4
    Here's a joke that earned me a three day ban in Lotro:

    Why would it suck to be a black jew?

    Because you have to sit in the back of the oven.
     
  6. broony

    broony Banned

    Messages:
    15,458
    Likes Received:
    1,046
    What do you love on pizza but hate on pussy?

    Crust.
     
    1 person likes this.
  7. newo

    newo Lifetime Supporter Lifetime Supporter

    Messages:
    11,638
    Likes Received:
    11,945
    Today is daylight savings time and I went to visit a friend who suffers from Dyslexia. There he was on his porch with a can of black spray paint, spraying it on his penis. I said "No no you idiot, you're supposed to turn your CLOCK BACK!
     
  8. rjhangover

    rjhangover Senior Member

    Messages:
    2,871
    Likes Received:
    532
    Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell and Trump were playing golf on one of his courses when all three got hit by lightening on the eighteenth green. They ended up in front of God on his throne, and he asked them what they believed....Ryan said he believed in the integrity of the GOP, McConnell said he believed in the right wing cause....Trump said, "I believe you're in my seat."
     
  9. puggybear

    puggybear stars may twinkle-but I shine!

    Messages:
    2,569
    Likes Received:
    773
    Did you hear about the confused cat?

    it had a crap,then buried itself.
     
  10. SouthPaw

    SouthPaw Members

    Messages:
    447
    Likes Received:
    247
    Reminds me of a book written by an American soldier whose job it was to read and censor the mail being sent to/from American soldiers fighting in WWII.

    The overall purpose of the book was to tell the history of sex and war and the impact each has on the other. For example, he talks about Europeans being much more open about their sexuality. American soldiers brought this openness back to America from both WWI and WWII, forever impacting our culture and views on sexuality. One of those practices was oral sex. He said the term "French kiss" originated as slang for a blowjob in WWI before morphing into our current interpretation of a "sensual kiss".

    In addition to censoring tactical information, he was ordered to censor out all references to sex due to America's strict views on morality and decency. He said he always felt guilty censoring sexual references because they were private. He used the following as an example of something he was forced to censor from a letter. The letter was from a soldier to his wife:

    "Take a long hard look at the floor because when I get home you're going to see nothing but ceiling"
     
    1 person likes this.
  11. shur-y-not

    shur-y-not Members

    Messages:
    50
    Likes Received:
    20
    What's the difference between a guy who's lonely and a guy who is homosexual?


    The guy who is lonely has no friends. The guy who is homosexual has friends up the ass.

    My mother told me that joke when I was about 14. Yes! My mother. I miss you mom.



    Another of my favorite jokes.

    A guy gets on an elevator. A woman is already on. He presses the button and as soon as the doors close he looks to her and asks, "Excuse me ma'am, can I smell your pussy?" She looks at him with disgust and replies 'HELL NO!" He says "Damn! That must be your feet."
     
  12. newo

    newo Lifetime Supporter Lifetime Supporter

    Messages:
    11,638
    Likes Received:
    11,945
    Why did God give men penises?
    So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.

    Know what a 6.9 is?
    Another good thing screwed up by a period.

    Q: What did one broke hooker ask the other?
    A: Lend me $10 till I'm on my back again.

    Q: Have you heard the one about the lesbian that took Viagra?
    A: She couldn't get her tongue back in her mouth for a month!

    Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
    A: A wet nose.

    If you force sex on a prostitute, is it rape or shoplifting?
     
    1 person likes this.
  13. Scratched

    Scratched Members

    Messages:
    866
    Likes Received:
    254
    A young fellow found a magic lamp laying on the beach. Feeling blessed, he vigorously rubbed the lamp until a Genie came out.

    The Genie, informed the man that in thanks for releasing him from his lamp, he would grant him three wishes.

    The fellow said, my first wish is to be thin. My second wish is, I want to be White. Lastly, I want to be surrounded by pussy.


    So the Genie turned him into a Tampon.
    Of couse, there was a string attached...
    It was sort of an "inside joke".
     
    2 people like this.
  14. Scratched

    Scratched Members

    Messages:
    866
    Likes Received:
    254
    ...Meanwhile back at the cabin, the Lone Rangers tied to the table and Tonto's shooting off his knob.
     
  15. Scratched

    Scratched Members

    Messages:
    866
    Likes Received:
    254
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1FcUc2Tk0GQ
     
  16. newo

    newo Lifetime Supporter Lifetime Supporter

    Messages:
    11,638
    Likes Received:
    11,945
    What's the difference between a bean and a chickpea?

    Donald Trump has never watched a bean.
     
  17. broony

    broony Banned

    Messages:
    15,458
    Likes Received:
    1,046
    Why were lesbians invented?
    ?
    ?
    So feminists wouldn't breed.
     
    rjhangover likes this.
  18. rjhangover

    rjhangover Senior Member

    Messages:
    2,871
    Likes Received:
    532
    A Catholic priest and a Rabbi were taking kids to Disney world when the planes engines quit....there were only two parachutes...the Rabbi threw one to the priest and said let's get out of here...the priest asked what about the kids...the Rabbi screw the kids...the priest asked Do you think we have time?
     
    tumbling.dice likes this.
  19. Rots in hell

    Rots in hell Senior Member

    Messages:
    11,133
    Likes Received:
    7,213
    A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

    He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

    "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

    To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, and thought you were very cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
     
    tumbling.dice, GLENGLEN and scratcho like this.
  20. Irminsul

    Irminsul Valkyrie

    Messages:
    62
    Likes Received:
    105
    Broony has a small penis.
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice