jokes you wont offend the kids with!

Discussion in 'Humor' started by morrow, Apr 14, 2014.

  1. storch

    storch banned

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    OK, here's one that's really for the kids. I've told it before, but I'll adjust it so that the kids can relate to it.

    A kid is playing video games at the arcade in town one night when another kid comes bustin' through the door all out of breath and grabs him by the shoulders and says, "Jim! Ya gotta get home. Some kid is beatin' up on your dog with a big stick."

    So, the kid forgets about the video game and runs like a bat out of hell out the door and takes the shortcut home. He runs as fast as he can through parking lots and over a couple of fences, tearing his favorite jeans, and then through some mud puddles. Finally he starts to slow down and then comes to a stop. He then scratches his head and says to himself, "What the hell am I running for, my name ain't Jim, and I don't have a dog."
     
  2. storch

    storch banned

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    A second-grade teacher is teaching the students about the alphabet. She says, "Can anyone give me a word that starts with the letter A?" One of the kids waving their hands in the air is little Johnny. But the teacher knows that Johnny has a dirty mind, and that if she picks him, he's going to say the word "ass." So she picks Cindy instead, who says the word "apple."

    The teacher then says, "Can anyone give me a word that starts with the letter B?" Lots of kids are waving their hands in the air, but little Johnny is waving his hand like mad. The teacher sees him, but knows that if she picks him, he'll say the word "bitch" or "bastard." So she picks Timmy instead, who says the word "balloon."

    So the teacher gets to the letter R, and says, "Who can give me a word that starts with the letter R?" Of course, there's little Johnny waving his hand in the air like there's no tomorrow. The teacher thinks to herself that there's no dirty word that starts with the letter R, and so she picks little Johnny. And Johnny says, "Rat! A big fuckin' rat, with a cock this long."
     
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  3. Fairlight

    Fairlight Banned

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    Guy goes into a restaurant and sits down at the table,asks the waiter what the soup of the day is.Waiter says "It's bean soup sir"...Guy says "I don't want to know what it's been - I want to know what it is!"
     
  4. expanse

    expanse Supporters HipForums Supporter

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    A man loaded down with food and drink stacked to his chin, for him and his family, walks back to his seat at a baseball game. All of a sudden someone in the crowd yells, "HEYYY BOB!!!". The man instantly spins around, food and drink are flying everywhere, and people are cursing him up and down because his food and drinks are all over them. The man, red faced and embarrassed, apologizes for the mess and heads back to get more food and drinks. As the man makes his way back to his seat, again someone yells, "HEYYY BOB!!!". The man jumps a foot off the ground, throws his food and drink all over the place again. He and scans the stadium looking for the yelling person but can't find him. After getting called every name in the book for the mess, again he apologizes and then makes his way back to the concession stand to get more food.

    On his way back to be reunited with his starving and thirsty family, once again someone screams out, "HEYYYYY BOB!!!". As he jumps, and spins around, food goes everywhere once again. Catsup, mustard, french fries, and hotdogs cover everything within 10 feet. At last he can take no more. He jumps up and stands on his empty seat, he raises his hands to his mouth, takes a deep breath and screams back, "MY NAME IS NOT BOB!!!!".
     
  5. puggybear

    puggybear stars may twinkle-but I shine!

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    I used to work in a library- I kept that quiet.

    Since my mate got a job as a mime artist,I haven't heard a word from him.



    Do you know what the difference is between 'following' & 'stalking'? - Twitter!



    my parting thought....how come no psychic has ever won the lottery???
     
  6. morrow

    morrow Visitor

    ****THE GUNFIGHTER*********A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had**been the fastest gun in the West.********The cowboy took a place next to the**old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot.********'Could you give me some tips?' he asked.********The old man said, 'Well, for one thing,**you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'********'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'****'Sure will. '********The young man did as he was told, stood**up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.********'That's terrific!' said the cowboy.****'Got any**more tips?'********'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of**your holster where the hammer hits it.**That'll give you a smoother draw.'********'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.********'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.********The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.********'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more**tips?'********The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease**over there? Coat your gun with it.'********The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.********'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'********'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.********'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.*
     
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  7. expanse

    expanse Supporters HipForums Supporter

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    Hahaha! I wasn't expecting anything like that punchline.

    A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: 'I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'
     
  8. expanse

    expanse Supporters HipForums Supporter

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    Two men are hunting when one accidentally shoots the other.*
    He freaks out and calls 911 on his cell-phone:

    "I just accidentally shot my friend while we were hunting! I think he's dead! What do i do?! What do I do?"

    "Ok sir. Calm down. First let's make sure your friend is really dead. . . "

    "Ok! Hang on! "*

    BANG!

    "Ok. He's really dead. Now what?"
     
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  9. SpacemanSpiff

    SpacemanSpiff Visitor

    I was put in jail once when i was only 1 year old



    convicted of resisting a rest
     
  10. expanse

    expanse Supporters HipForums Supporter

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    A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
     
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  11. storch

    storch banned

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    A bear and a rabbit are sitting in the woods side by side while taking a dump. The bear turns to the rabbit and says, "So, tell me, rabbit, do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?"

    "Nope. Not at all," the rabbit replies.

    The bear says, "Good," and then grabs the rabbit and wipes his ass with him.
     
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  12. storch

    storch banned

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    A guy is standing with another guy next to a field where a horse is running around. One guy is selling the horse to the other guy. Just as the one guy is handing over the money to the other guy, the horse runs full speed into a tree. The guy who was going to buy the horse suddenly pulls the money back from the hands of the other guy and says, "I ain't buyin' that damn horse. He's blind!" The other guy says, "No no, he ain't blind; he just don't give a damn."
     
  13. expanse

    expanse Supporters HipForums Supporter

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    I was on my way to my girlfriend's house when she called to tell me that she would be an hour late at work. She told me to go on in the house and wait with her sister (who was very, very sexy). After about 10 minutes of chatting, my girlfriend's sister said, "you know, I think we should have sex right here, right now". Without hesitation I got up and walked to the front door. As I opened the door, I saw my girlfriend on the other side standing there with a smile on her face. She hugged me and said, "I love you so much. You passed my test and walked away from my sister's proposal for sex!".

    Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car.
     
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  14. morrow

    morrow Visitor

    An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

    The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: one, the bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat: two, the bouncer is a blonde girl: three, I'm a six-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate: four, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter: and five, the lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler . . . "Now, think about it seriously, cowboy... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

    The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "Well no! Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
     
  15. morrow

    morrow Visitor

    There were these three girls who were getting married and they all met at the marriage counsellor’s office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away.

    There were two city girls and one farm girl. The counsellor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile.

    They all said that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and had all agreed to wait awhile. The counsellor asked the first girl what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, “The rhythm method”. That will work, said the counsellor, but only if you keep a good record.

    He asked the second girl what system she planned on using. “I plan on using birth control pills” she said. Again he said, Yes that will work as long as you don’t forget to take them.

    He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, “The bucket and saucer method.” After a short delay, he told her that would probably work. He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.

    They all met again one year later and the two city girls were pregnant.

    Only the farm girl was still slim and trim. The counsellor asked the first girl what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby.

    He asked the second city girl what method she used and she replied, The birth control pill. But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.

    He turns to the farm girl. I vaguely remember you were going to use the bucket and saucer method. Now I must admit that I didn‘t have a clue what the bucket and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you.

    She replied, Well, we always make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on an upturned bucket.

    Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers . . . .

    I kick the bucket out from under him.
     
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  16. puggybear

    puggybear stars may twinkle-but I shine!

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    The inventor of predictive text died today.


    His funfair is being hello on Sundial
     
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  17. puggybear

    puggybear stars may twinkle-but I shine!

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    I've just been watching the Lance Armstrong interview.
    Wow-he lied to everyone so convincingly and for so long....


    I'm starting to doubt he ever actually landed on the moon at all......
     
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  18. morrow

    morrow Visitor

    Impossibilities in the world


    1. you cant count your hair.
    2. you cant wash your eyes with soap.#
    3.you cant breath when your tongues out.
    put your tongue back in your mouth..

    10 things I know about you..
    1. you are reading this.
    2. you are human.#3. you cant say the letter "P" without separating your lips.
    4. you just attempted to do it.
    6. you are laughing at yourself.
    7. you just skipped 5.
    8. you just checked to see if there is a number 5.
    9. you just laughed, because your a fun loving person.
     
  19. deleted

    deleted Visitor

    a salad walks into a church ...
    lettuce pray..
     
  20. thedope

    thedope glad attention Lifetime Supporter

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    I tripped
     

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