Forgiving. Forgetting.

Hello.

I never thought it would come to the day where I am the one writing long, drawn out relationship posts, but fuck, here I am.

I guess I'm obsessed with something that has happened in the beginning of my relationship with my girlfriend, and I just can't seem to get over it.

Let me explain. When I first started seeing my girlfriend, I was also seeing someone else. It was the beginning phases of the relationship, we weren't officially together yet. One night, my girlfriend (the current one) tried to convince me all night to come over. I was having some beers with a friend of mine, and I just didnt want to go that night. She convinced me until the last minute, and then she said she was going to bed.

After this happened, I called the second girl I was seeing and asked her to come over. When she picked up the phone, she said she heard about this other girl and asked me flat out if something was going on. I said yes. I didnt want to lie. She told me I was a loser and then she told me that one day the other girl will find out and I will end up alone just like I deserve.

As soon as we hung up, I got in my truck and drove towards girl #1's house (current girlfriend). When I got there, I opened the door, and there was another guy's shoes at the door. All the lights in the house were closed, and they were in the bedroom.

I turned around, left, tried to call her (no answer), so I left her a message stating that I saw that there was another guys shoes, that its obviously over, and that it was nice knowing her.

10 minutes later she had called me back and she was in her car on her way to my house. She showed up and started telling me that nothing had happened, that they hadnt even kissed, that nothing would have happened, that it was a mistake, and that it will never happen again, and that she wants us to be together for real from now on.

I didn't believe her. I have her 100 opportunities to tell me that she was sleeping with him (or was going to). I told her 100 times that it would make it easier on the both of us if she just admitted that this was going to happen, that she regrets it, and that we can both move on (I told her about my own situation, so I said it was all good, to just tell me so we can move on.

The issue here is SHE NEVER ADMITTED TO IT. She said over, and over and over again that nothing happened, that nothing would have happened, and that they didn't even kiss. I told her to tell me so we can both move on, she got angry and said she wouldn't admit to something she didn't do.

The problem is, this is 7 months ago now, and it still eats me inside from time to time. Sometimes I am holding her in my arms before we go to bed at night, and it's all I can think of. I feel frustrated and sick to my stomach and betrayed and I don't know what to do. I want us to be together. I want us to be happy, but that just HAUNTS me.

If she didnt/wasnt going to sleep with him, then what the fuck were they doing in her bedroom like that? Why the fuck would she do that with no intention?

And on the other hand, if I have her 100 opportunities to tell me the truth, told her I myself was about to fuck someone else, and that we can just put it behind us, why would she be so insistant on telling me that nothing happened and nothing was going to happen?

I'm going crazy here. This is really tarnishing our relationship and I don't know if I can move past it. We spoke about it again today, and again, she's pissed, saying nothing happened and that she's not dealing with this anymore, that I need to get over it because we've had this discussion over and over again and if I dont believe her it's my problem. She said it again. They didnt even kiss. Nothing even happened. NOthing was going to happen.

The problem here is, I still don't quite believe her, and I don't think I ever will. Can anyone help, please? This is truly consuming me.

Help guys... please I don't want this to run my life anymore. I want us to be happy. I'm so distraught and unhappy because if this, I dont know what else to do.

help.

 

What was her relationship with this guy? Was he a close friend, or just a random dude? I have a lot of close female friends that I spend time with alone, even sleep in the same bed as each other sometimes, but it's nothing sexual. She might be telling the truth.

 

That is something you are going to have to come to terms with on your own. Maybe nothing happened. You've given her enough chances to come clean if something did happen. Maybe she had every intention on doing something but when it came down to it, she just couldn't. What would you do if she finally came out and told you they kissed or had sex? How would you feel towards her then? Is it just that you think she is lying?

Clearly you both did things that night that you weren't proud of. You had bad intentions also and she was able to forgive those. It's up to you if you are able to take what she is saying and put it to rest in your own mind. If you weren't officially together, like you said, you can't really be upset with her for something that she did or didn't do. What matters is what has happened since you have become exclusive. If you want this relationship to work then you have to let this go. You can't move forward when you are living in the past.

 

I've shared a bed platonically with guy friends in the past too. Maybe she really is telling the truth.

You really have to decide to trust her and believe her or else you have to end it. There really is no point in continuing the relationship if you think she is lying - not because she's lying, but because you think she's lying. If you don't have trust as a central element in your relationship then there really is no point.

 

1. She may have been telling the truth

2. If you were banging girl #1 and girl #2 at the same time, and have a big problem with the idea that girl #1 might have fucked somebody else one time, then you are a flaming hypocrite

I think that the problem is you here. See a counselor if you can't otherwise resolve this.

Maybe write down the phrase "I must stop being a retard" and re-read it as many times as necessary until it sinks in.

Even if you imagine that girl #1 slept with someone else, consider it the punishment that you deserved for running around on girl #2

So maybe also say to yourself "even if she did cheat on me, I deserved it" when ever you start feeling jealous.

 

It's (as always) easier said than done, but it seems the answer is simply the thread title.
Ah well, that's why you called it that I guess! Ok... :leaving:

 

I'm not trying to speak for the OP, but I don't think that the issue is that she may have had sex with the guy or have been planning on having sex with him, but that he thinks she is lying to him about it.

 

This whole drama with both ladies occurred during the early "dating phase" right?

Everybody knows that during that phase you aren't exclusive and can have multiple romantic and sexual partners you are evaluating, until you pick one to settle down with.


Girl #2 didn't understand that about you, and girl #1 (your current girlfriend ) isn't getting that understanding from you.

Her being with or not being with another guy is not a problem or shouldn't be one for you given the phase of the relationship.

Also you have no evidence to prove she was with the other guy sexually... For that you should've walked in on them.

 

I'd say either get over it-however -or move on. No one wants to be nagged endlessly about ANYTHING. And especially insinuating that she's a liar. Re-read paragraph 7 of your post. You told her 100 times to confess? To follow the script you NEED her to follow? If this isn't over now--it soon will be. Or apologize to her and admit that you are/were wrong. Good chance she's had other men in her life. You want to know about them too?

 

Well, it seems to be about the sex and the fact that he thinks she is lying.

If she lied about her favorite color, I don't think it would be an issue.

 

Ok, first off she shouldn't have lied ( if she's lying). Second, your first mishap was asking her about another lover when you two weren't exclusive. Why does it matter? Why did you feel the need to ask? I don't really care who my partners have had before me. It's none of my business, that's between them. If your in a swinger/poly relationship, then that's different. You communicate openly about who you're having sex with. I'll never understand people's need to compare numbers or be concerned with who was fucking who before you were exclusive. They're choosing to be with YOU now. Be grateful for that, and forget about the rest.

 

sorry if my post sounded harsh shivaya. I'm just trying to shake you out of making a big mistake

 

That's pretty much what I was going to say. The OP himself said they weren't exclusive and was about to bang someone else. This should be a non-issue. And what if she decided that she was going to change her story now? Would the fact that she lied for this long then become the issue to stay awake at night over? I say just let it go.

 

First of all, why would it be "all over" just because she had a guy over?

So let me get this straight. You can fuck as many females as you like…but in your mind she had to stick to only you.

 

It seems Shivaya has that opinion on things.

I do wonder what culture Shivaya hails from, based on his name alone perhaps it is the Indian culture? If so, this would explain the double standard regarding sexual behavior for males and females.

(Disclosure: in am basically saying my current understanding of Indian culture looks down on women, someone my correct me if I am wrong)

 

^ I don't think that he's Indian

 

It only comes down to one sentence, one paragraph in the end.

Despite all your previous attempts to come off as the cool carefree, peace loving hippy, in touch with nature, one with the universe.

And yet every part of your life will end up being defined by this:

You are just going to end up a jealous little nut job like most of them, cut off any friends or friends that may show interest in her, thus be a threat to you. Until your friends are whittled down to a few, or even one. then shift to a quiet cul de sac in surburbia so you can keep a close watch on her. Different coloured bins so you can pretend to recycle and give a crap about the environment, even though your carbon footprint is bigger than its ever been, no one really ever thought you were alternative, no one ever thought you were peace loving cos you were always cranky and overprotective around your woman

 

To be honest with you OP… if you really want to be happy you need to confront the issue and make a change.

I've never shied away from a problem in my relationship and neither has my partner. We both address issues (respectfully) to each other. Simply saying "honey this bothers me, I'm worried about ____" or whatever is plenty to get the conversation rolling. Sometimes we get inside our own heads (like you are) and create problems that don't exist.

So you have addressed the issue with her in the past. But you are clearly in need of more reassurance in your relationship - which is okay!!!! Thats what relationships are all about, being loving toward each other, supportive and making each other feel good. So just let her know you need a bit more to feel good.

My fiancé and I spend a couple hours a night on just each other. I know in my heart and head that we both really enjoy it. Also, one of his main ways of expressing love is doing things for me. So find out her way and *notice* it when she does it, value those things and let those things be at the forefront of your relationship. You have to be open and willing to move on and stop dredging up the past.

A happy full life includes making mistakes and bad experiences and living through them to enjoy another day!

 

Alright folks. I didnt answer to this right away because I wanted to let it sit for a bit, but honestly, a few days later, I realize I've been acting like a dick. Well I've always known I was being irrational, but I just wanted to reiterate it.

Like alot of you said, she didn't owe me anything at the time, and I was seeing someone else at the same time anyways, so I need to just let this go. I guess it was just upsetting to walk in on that. Even if I would have found out later, I would have been OK. It's just the whole awkwardness of walking in like that that made me feel shitty and unimportant.


And really, if I gave her 100 opportunities to ''come clean'' without any consequences, and she never did, because according to her she refuses to admit to something she didn't do just because it would make it easier on me, then I seriously need to shut the fuck up about this and start enjoying my relationship. I know she's faithful. She's living with me and taking good care of me, so I should shut my face before I blow this.


Thanks to all of you for the tough love. I need that sometimes.

 

Yeah, it's hard to reconcile with your own imagination sometimes, but yes, as a female I've slept with a few men before, without there being any sexual contact or any possibility of that happening...it's not that uncommon. Many of my girl friends did the same thing. I'm glad you're feeling more clarity now.

As for Indian culture, there are many, many Indian cultures.