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So I've slept with over 100 people...


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#1 thedangeroustype

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Posted November 21 2012 - 01:16 PM

I've been reading this site off and on for years, but never posted till today (yay me!!).

I'm experiencing something lately that is new to me because it wasn't something I considered before, but now has been put forth to me and I have to think about it. Sorry for the wall of text!


Here's the background:


I'm 30 years old, have been having sex for the last 11 years and my sexual partner count is somewhere around the 120 mark I believe. Honestly I can't remember every single one, which has nothing to do with drugs or alcohol, I'm just old (yanno, a young kinda old) and some of it was a very long time ago. Within that 120 or so men, there have been relationships, one nighters, long term casual sex partners, and shorter term sexual ones. I've never been in a years long relationship (the longest being about 10 months), been proposed to 3 times but never married or engaged, and only cheated on someone once.

Outside of relationships, I've for the most part had only safe sex as well. I'd be lying if I said that I did everything perfect every time, but I protected myself most all the time and I get std tests about twice a year and have always been clean.


I'm not commitment phobic, I have no issues sleeping with people I love (and I have been in love, and expressed that, and had the best sex with people I really cared about), and I have no trouble expressing how I feel in relationships. I've also never been in abusive situations, never done anything sexually that I did not want to do, and have never been sexually assaulted or raped. Admittedly, I've slept with people that I later regret, but I think every sexually active person with any number of partners does that at some point in time. The regrets are few and I think of most of my partners fondly. I don't watch porn, hardly ever masturbate, and don't often have multiple partners going in the same time span. Also, if I have an emotional attraction to someone, I tend to hold off on the sex for a bit. I'm very patient with potential life mates so I behave differently in those situations.


Now the current issue:


It's been suggested to me lately that I'm a sex addict. This accusation came from a man, who suggested that I was using sex "incorrectly" and that I should go to meetings. I found this positively stupefying. Being the anal little researcher that I am, I wiki'd and googled the hell out of sex addiction and it just wasn't me. After reading all this I suggested to this guy that the only reason he's saying that to me is because I'm a woman. It seems to be more acceptable that men can just jump fluidly between sexual relationships and emotional ones. Women are all expected to protect our eggs and limit our partners and junk which I think is ridiculous. If I was single and 30 and had only slept with 3 people and was sitting around waiting for the perfect man to bed then I'd be pathetic. If I'm 30 and know what I want and enjoy sex and do it safely then I'm a slut who needs mental help??


I'm not going to pretend that I haven't slept with a lot of people, because I have. However, I don't think I need to attend sex addicts anonymous.


My question is not if I'm a sex addict. My question is can a healthy, sane woman enjoy sex with multiple people and not be some damaged psychopath who needs group therapy??

#2 slappysquirrel

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Posted November 21 2012 - 01:19 PM

hate me if im wrong,
but i would say maybe your just a slut. sorry, but that is what most guyz are going to think

or they are going to think, this chick is easy and try to get laid

#3 thedangeroustype

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Posted November 21 2012 - 01:23 PM

lol ok. My question was not if I'm a slut. Slut is subject to interpretation. Some people think a chick who's slept with 5 people is a slut. I'm not worried about what men as a whole think about that.

This guy who suggested this to me was not a guy I was trying to date either, it was just someone who I was having a candid sexual discussion with.

#4 slappysquirrel

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Posted November 21 2012 - 01:28 PM

here's a question:

do you feel empty somehow,, i mean how could you love someone if you just have meaningless sex over and over?

#5 ezm8

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Posted November 21 2012 - 01:32 PM

I'm not sure what the official definition of a sex addict is.


if you were unable to resist a compulsion to have sex, or if your sex life was causing harm in some other aspect of your life, then it might be called sex addiction

it doesn't sound to me like you are a sex addict.

it might be a problem if you are using sex in a manipulative way. it could also be a problem if you really want to be in an ltr and sex is somehow interfering with that

#6 thedangeroustype

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Posted November 21 2012 - 01:34 PM

No I don't feel empty.

Sex with someone I'm attracted to is great. No matter the "meaning" of it or the lack of love, or any of that, sex connects us. Even when you're heart's not attached, its still a very intimate thing.

Sex with someone I love is completely different. That's just on a higher plane. To have the emotional as well as physical connection is what cements love feelings and enhances them.

I just separate the two in my mind I suppose. When someone gets my body, that's one thing, but when they get my heart, its a whole other. Admittedly the heart is more difficult to get.

#7 outthere2

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Posted November 21 2012 - 01:36 PM

My question is can a healthy, sane woman enjoy sex with multiple people and not be some damaged psychopath who needs group therapy??

Yes, your life is as you perceive it to be.

#8 ezm8

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Posted November 21 2012 - 01:38 PM

can a healthy, sane woman enjoy sex with multiple people and not be some damaged psychopath who needs group therapy??



maybe you need group sex therapy ;)


seriously, if it's not causing you any problems, I don't see any need to worry

#9 thedangeroustype

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Posted November 21 2012 - 01:40 PM

I'm not sure what the official definition of a sex addict is.


if you were unable to resist a compulsion to have sex, or if your sex life was causing harm in some other aspect of your life, then it might be called sex addiction

it doesn't sound to me like you are a sex addict.

it might be a problem if you are using sex in a manipulative way. it could also be a problem if you really want to be in an ltr and sex is somehow interfering with that


That's exactly how I see it. I dont have a compulsion and my sex life and my other lives dont mix. I don't sleep with co workers, or the so's of friends or family, or neighbors, or mentors or any of that. As of right now I havent had sex with anyone in like 7 months. I date men I don't sleep with, and I'm definitely open to a relationship with the right guy.

I also don't think I use sex in a manipulative way. I've never been paid for sex, or used it to get a promotion, or a position, or a grade or anything like that.

#10 jamgrassphan

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Posted November 21 2012 - 01:40 PM

I've been reading this site off and on for years, but never posted till today (yay me!!).

I'm experiencing something lately that is new to me because it wasn't something I considered before, but now has been put forth to me and I have to think about it. Sorry for the wall of text!


Here's the background:


I'm 30 years old, have been having sex for the last 11 years and my sexual partner count is somewhere around the 120 mark I believe. Honestly I can't remember every single one, which has nothing to do with drugs or alcohol, I'm just old (yanno, a young kinda old) and some of it was a very long time ago. Within that 120 or so men, there have been relationships, one nighters, long term casual sex partners, and shorter term sexual ones. I've never been in a years long relationship (the longest being about 10 months), been proposed to 3 times but never married or engaged, and only cheated on someone once.

Outside of relationships, I've for the most part had only safe sex as well. I'd be lying if I said that I did everything perfect every time, but I protected myself most all the time and I get std tests about twice a year and have always been clean.


I'm not commitment phobic, I have no issues sleeping with people I love (and I have been in love, and expressed that, and had the best sex with people I really cared about), and I have no trouble expressing how I feel in relationships. I've also never been in abusive situations, never done anything sexually that I did not want to do, and have never been sexually assaulted or raped. Admittedly, I've slept with people that I later regret, but I think every sexually active person with any number of partners does that at some point in time. The regrets are few and I think of most of my partners fondly. I don't watch porn, hardly ever masturbate, and don't often have multiple partners going in the same time span. Also, if I have an emotional attraction to someone, I tend to hold off on the sex for a bit. I'm very patient with potential life mates so I behave differently in those situations.


Now the current issue:


It's been suggested to me lately that I'm a sex addict. This accusation came from a man, who suggested that I was using sex "incorrectly" and that I should go to meetings. I found this positively stupefying. Being the anal little researcher that I am, I wiki'd and googled the hell out of sex addiction and it just wasn't me. After reading all this I suggested to this guy that the only reason he's saying that to me is because I'm a woman. It seems to be more acceptable that men can just jump fluidly between sexual relationships and emotional ones. Women are all expected to protect our eggs and limit our partners and junk which I think is ridiculous. If I was single and 30 and had only slept with 3 people and was sitting around waiting for the perfect man to bed then I'd be pathetic. If I'm 30 and know what I want and enjoy sex and do it safely then I'm a slut who needs mental help??


I'm not going to pretend that I haven't slept with a lot of people, because I have. However, I don't think I need to attend sex addicts anonymous.


My question is not if I'm a sex addict. My question is can a healthy, sane woman enjoy sex with multiple people and not be some damaged psychopath who needs group therapy??


Do you hurt people with your behavior? If so, then you're a bad person. If not, then "over 100 people" is an arbitrary number.

Let me ask you, if your vagina (or sex organ of choice) dried up and fell off your body, would you find life so meaningless that you'd want to commit suicide? Would you break into someone's house and steal their shit if it meant that you could afford to buy a new vagina (or sex organ of choice) so that you could have sex again? Would you kill someone for it? If so, then maybe you have a problem.

Anyone would kill for food, water, oxygen, but we wouldn't call them addicts because these are necessary for survival, these are self preservation instincts at work. Sex is a powerful drive, but it's not necessary for immediate SELF preservation, neither is methamphetamine, but to an addict it feels exactly the same way - and therein lies the problem.
Hey man, slow down.

#11 ezm8

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Posted November 21 2012 - 01:46 PM

That's exactly how I see it. I dont have a compulsion and my sex life and my other lives dont mix. I don't sleep with co workers, or the so's of friends or family, or neighbors, or mentors or any of that. As of right now I havent had sex with anyone in like 7 months. I date men I don't sleep with, and I'm definitely open to a relationship with the right guy.

I also don't think I use sex in a manipulative way. I've never been paid for sex, or used it to get a promotion, or a position, or a grade or anything like that.



I think that you're fine then. just sounds like you have a strong, healthy sex drive that isn't interfering with your life

if what you want is an ltr, you might want to think about why your relationships haven't lasted more than 10 months

if you don't want an ltr, or are ok with not having ltr's, this is also not a problem

#12 thedangeroustype

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Posted November 21 2012 - 01:47 PM

Let me ask you, if your vagina (or sex organ of choice) dried up and fell off your body, would you find life so meaningless that you'd want to commit suicide? Would you break into someone's house and steal their shit if it meant that you could afford to buy a new vagina (or sex organ of choice) so that you could have sex again? Would you kill someone for it? If so, then maybe you have a problem.

Anyone would kill for food, water, oxygen, but we wouldn't call them addicts because these are necessary for survival, these are self preservation instincts at work. Sex is a powerful drive, but it's not necessary for immediate SELF preservation, neither is methamphetamine, but to an addict it feels exactly the same way - and therein lies the problem.


lol I'm pretty sure I wouldn't go on a murder spree or burgle for a new vagina. There have been periods of my life where I wasn't physically capable of having sex and I just didn't. It's not like I'm going to die if I can't have sex. There are a lot of important things in my life and honestly, that's not even in the top 5.

#13 thedangeroustype

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Posted November 21 2012 - 01:53 PM

I think that you're fine then. just sounds like you have a strong, healthy sex drive that isn't interfering with your life

if what you want is an ltr, you might want to think about why your relationships haven't lasted more than 10 months

if you don't want an ltr, or are ok with not having ltr's, this is also not a problem


I think I didn't want one for a very long time. First I was focused on school and then I was focused on my career. I haven't been in a relationship for a year and a half now and I feel like I'm ready. I have a great job, done with school, I think I can really devote myself to someone now like I didn't want to before.

#14 jamgrassphan

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Posted November 21 2012 - 01:54 PM

lol I'm pretty sure I wouldn't go on a murder spree or burgle for a new vagina. There have been periods of my life where I wasn't physically capable of having sex and I just didn't. It's not like I'm going to die if I can't have sex. There are a lot of important things in my life and honestly, that's not even in the top 5.


Then there's no problem and the dude who accused you of being a sex addict is trying to work out some kind of problem he has through you. But you didn't answer my other question - does your behavior hurt other people?
Hey man, slow down.

#15 unknown_lifeform

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Posted November 21 2012 - 01:55 PM

In answer to your question: yes.

Basically, people can be judgemental, opinionated a-holes at times and never more so than on the subject of sex. For some reason, what other people do with their genitalia and who they do it with is a matter of intense moralising and concern for some. They have some pretty definite ideas about what the "right" attitude to sex is, so if you don't see it their way the only explanation is that you must be damaged.

Things aren't helped by societies double standard about promiscuity in men and women. I don't think promiscuous men are normally seen in a good light to be honest, but its definitely worse for women.

Things are gradually getting more liberal but thousands of years of religious influence and cultural hang ups don't vanish overnight, especially because many people are frankly best suited to the status quo.

You're happy and you're responsible so there's no problem. My advice is to not feel the need to live to the expectations of others but to be careful who you discuss this kind of thing with. It can cause an awful lot of problems because a lot of people can't understand and don't want to.

P.S. 30 is *NOT* old!!! :P

Edited by unknown_lifeform, November 21 2012 - 01:58 PM.
you're :)


#16 ezm8

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Posted November 21 2012 - 01:58 PM

I think I can really devote myself to someone now like I didn't want to before.



hmmm...maybe if there's one of your ex's that you really liked, you might be able to rekindle things now that you're ready.

#17 thedangeroustype

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Posted November 21 2012 - 01:58 PM

Then there's no problem and the dude who accused you of being a sex addict is trying to work out some kind of problem he has through you. But you didn't answer my other question - does your behavior hurt other people?


Not my family or friends or anyone I love. I can't say that I haven't had some men who were angry with me for rejecting them or not bending to their will but I don't have any issues with the people in my life because of sex. Like I said before, I've never slept with the so's of family or friends, or mentors, or bosses, or teachers, or co workers, or people I have any degrees of separation with at all.

My friends know about my sex life and so does my sister and such. My parents may think I'm a virgin for all I know but they're my parents so I don't discuss my sex life with them lol. I don't hide anything or lie about what I do or don't do from those close to me though.

#18 thedangeroustype

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Posted November 21 2012 - 02:01 PM

P.S. 30 is *NOT* old!!! :P


Lol!! Thanks :)

#19 unknown_lifeform

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Posted November 21 2012 - 02:19 PM

Lol!! Thanks :)


That was more for my benefit than yours. I'm 30 too :)

#20 Ivory62

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Posted November 21 2012 - 02:22 PM

My question is not if I'm a sex addict. My question is can a healthy, sane woman enjoy sex with multiple people and not be some damaged psychopath who needs group therapy??


Of course you can.

But the better question is why do you care? Do as you wish, without causing pain or suffering to others. Live your life as you choose, within that parameter, and be happy. Fuck the societal restrictions.

And if you're looking for #121, hit me up... ;)

Edited by Ivory62, November 21 2012 - 02:27 PM.
forgot a word


#21 ezm8

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Posted November 21 2012 - 02:23 PM

But the better question is why do care?



I was thinking the same thing!

why do care????

#22 Irminsul

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Posted November 21 2012 - 02:26 PM

I'd just stop researching this and stop thinking about it. It means nothing, shouldn't mean anything either. If you're happy you're happy that's the main thing. Let other fools drown in their own burdens, don't let their burdens bring you down. You're healthy, happy, sexually active. Life's good.

Lemmy "you're listenin' to clowns, don't let em grind ya down!"
Red, white, black are our true colours
For these colours we will fight!
Red, white, black will crush the enemy
And will bring back what is right!

#23 Ivory62

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Posted November 21 2012 - 02:29 PM

I was thinking the same thing!

why do care????


Fixed it. As a grammar nazi, I grovel for forgiveness for my error....mea culpa. mea culpa, mea maxima culpa....

#24 thedangeroustype

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Posted November 21 2012 - 02:31 PM

Of course you can.

But the better question is why do care? Do as you wish, without causing pain or suffering to others. Live your life as you choose, within that parameter, and be happy. Fuck the societal restrictions.

And if you're looking for #121, hit me up... ;)


Well I certainly wouldn't let this one person's opinion stop me from living my life the way I wanted to, but sometimes someone says something to you that makes you have a gut check moment and wonder if you missed something.

I'm just an introspective person and that was something I never considered in a million years. When I picture sex addiction, I picture Michael Fassbender getting blown by some guy while his sister slits her wrists and that ain't my life :)

This dude isnt determining how I feel about myself, but it was something I had to at least consider.

Also, I appreciate your offer and I will certainly keep you under consideration lol

#25 ezm8

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Posted November 21 2012 - 02:31 PM

Fixed it. As a grammar nazi, I grovel for forgiveness for my error....mea culpa. mea culpa, mea maxima culpa....


don't worry, I'm just a wise-ass

#26 Ivory62

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Posted November 21 2012 - 02:36 PM

don't worry, I'm just a wise-ass


So am I. See you at the meeting Tuesday ;)

#27 slappysquirrel

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Posted November 21 2012 - 02:43 PM

what about std's? arent you worried about that?

#28 thedangeroustype

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Posted November 21 2012 - 02:48 PM

what about std's? arent you worried about that?


ok...

Firstly, you can get an std from sleeping with one person. Sexually transmitted diseases aren't directly related to how many people you've slept with.

As I said in my original posting, I do everything I can to protect myself.

#29 slappysquirrel

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Posted November 21 2012 - 02:57 PM

ok first,

std's are contracted from having sex with an infected person.

the more people you sleep with, of course equals a higher chance of getting something. so of course they are directly related!!

#30 bailz

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Posted November 21 2012 - 03:22 PM

It seems that most people define an addiction as something that you arrange your life around..in a general sense. If you constantly feel the need to seek a sexual partner and you cannot withhold your sexual tendencies then yes, that is considered an addiction. If you find yourself arranging your schedule around the times that you are able to have sex then again, that is considered an addiction.

But if you just take sex as it "presents" itself and don't actively seek out a partner then i'd say you are not a sex addict.