how do you tell if someone is a top or bottom

i was wonderin if there is any way you can tell if someone is more top, likes to be control and who isnt....sometimes i dress boyish and a few feminime dressed girls have given me looks but im not actually that boyish and i would prefer to be bottom, but would they be bottoms too??

 

I don't think you can really tell just from looking at someone, and if you can, I wish I knew

 

Hi Somegirl, This is probably not the answer you are looking for, but I had to respond because I think one of the most liberating aspects of leaving my husband for a woman was the idea that I didn't have to think of myself as playing any kind of role anymore. I was able to stop being all-feminine. Humans are capable of expressing a continuum of gender=specific behaviors. And lesbian sex to me is about exploring these energies with your partner, learning about yourself, stretching your comfort level to please and enjoy equally.
Now both me and my partner are very feminine, but she has a little more of what you might think of as male energy and me, a little more feminine energy. But sex for us is not about top or bottom. Its about top. bottom, behind, upside down facing opposite ways, expressing all of our energies. In a situation where she might strap something on, yet I get on top of her and ride, who's on top and who's on bottom? The experiment and expression is is what makes sex so exciting for us.
So my suggestion is to get to know a girl, one who encourages you to be exactly who you are, experiment. Allow yourself to step out of your comfort zones and explore. You'll have a much better and more fulfilling sex life than choosing the top or bottom.

 

well said!!! Bravo!

 

Gwennie I love what you wrote!
I am really surprised to be seeing lesbians talking about top/bottom stuff. I have seen it in a lot of places recently. Yes some people gravitate to being more dominant/active than their partners and vice versa, but defining it as roles is weird.

One of the really annoying things about straight sex is that the roles are so prescribed. Not only that but the order of things is prescribed, kissing, 'foreplay', hopefully an attempt to get her off and always culminating in penis-in-vagina and his orgasm. Lesbian sex is so liberated from all that history and misogyny! We can do whatever we like, when we like and how we like it.

A compatible sexual style is very important in a relationship, but you can't tell how someone is likely to be in bed by how they dress.

 

It's hard to tell. It's obvious where I'm from though. Short haired butchies usually mean tops, long haired femmes usually mean bottoms. Meh. It differs with each person though.

 

I say women , and especially lesbians, need to break out of those roles, they are constraints of male-dominated culture which have led people to believe women are inferior. Unfortunately, lesbian domestic and sexual relations have mimicked this paradigm of 'man' /'woman' 'butch'/ 'femme' 'top'/'bottom'. I say lesbians can rise above those subscribed roles...but hey, it's also about personal preference and is very subjective, so it's a sensitive topic. If we didn't have the media hyping these roles with society backing them, would we really care?

As far as being able to tell , I think you just have to ask?! I know back in NY when the feminist movement was making a boom and lesbians were first outing themselves,lesbians would hang different coloured bandanas out of their back pockets to signify what their preferences were. Which is strange to think about...

Freedom in sexuality is a joy and right.

 

I'm pretty sure if a girl looks at me, she definitely know im the top

 

It depends on how I feel that day!

 

I wear a collar.

 

Even though i'm top, I find it sexy when a girl goes on top of me

 

When my gf and I met, she was "athletic looking" and I was more femme than not. Neither was really top or bottom. 15 years later we have definitely assumed those "rolls", but only because thats the nature of each of us. My gf loves to make me come and I love to come for her. She just has a more assertive style. Now she looks like the top she is, but feels more comfortable in her skin because she is true to herself. I think you can tell a top by their confidence level. Find someone to love regardless of bedroom "behaviors/styles". After 15 years I can tell you its the least important part of a long term relationship who does who. Love and compatiblity get you thru the hard parts. Great sex after that long is a gift.