HELP: In Love With My Best Friend

So it took me a long time to find the courage to write about this. I didn't want to, but since I cannot get this whole situation out of my mind I need to tell you guys about it. So I have this friend. We have been friends for years and are very close. We are both guys, but I am the only one who is openly gay. A few years ago i found myself falling in love with him and told myself that I couldn't let that happen, because we are best friends and I didn't think he would ever feel the same or could ever return my feelings. For a long time I was able to suppress my feelings, but they overcame me. I have now completely admitted that I love him. I have even told him multiple times when I am drunk. He has also said he loves me, and I do not deny that. However, in my case, I am very sexually attracted to him. He says he is straight, but every once in a while will admit to being bi sexual. When I am around him I cannot help but to feel sexual tension between us. I do not know if I am going crazy, or if this tension is real and felt by both of us. Could it just belong to me, and I am crazy? Ahh... this sucks. Another problem is that he is dating my other best friend, who is a girl. I do not think it is a secret to anyone that I am in love with him. I cannot really hide my feelings too well. I think she knows it, as well as him and all of our/my other friends. My friend is breaking up with his girlfriend and moving away to the city to start trying to make it as drummer. I have gotten accepted into art school in the same area, and we are loosely planning on getting a place and moving in together. So in the end, it seems that it doesn't bother him that I want him, he is comfortable enough with it to want to move in with me. This is just so straining on my emotions. We have gone through months of not talking to each other and then when we see each other again we love each other very much. He just said to me the other night "see you next summer" right before he left my house. This bothers me about him. I know he was serious and wants to start being busy so he can get out of here. But he knows how much I love him and it doesn't seem fair to my feelings that he can just ditch out like that without us talking about it.
I guess I just want advice for my situation. It sucks, but it feels better to have written it all down for you guys. I guess what I want to know is if I should just quit being friends with him altogether. It weighs on my heart every time I am around him, but at the same time I am scared to not have him in my life at all. I try to get him out of my mind, but then I effing dream about him coming in my room and laying down with me. God, am I messed up or what?

 

i am in a similar boat as you, my friend also knows i am bi/gay and he doesn't have a problem with it..

since your friend knows you are gay and he hasn't tried anything (knowing you're gay) i would just move on as he might not be interested in that kind of relationship with you. the way i see things is if he was sexually into you he probably would of gave you some good hints already.

my bestfriend also tells me he loves, but i think it's more in line of the brother type love, so i would not confuse the two if i were you. for me it's very confusing as my bestfriend does weird shit that normally straight people would not do.

i believe some people that were never given family-love feel good and positive about themselves when they know another person (ie their bestfriend) loves and cares about them. my best friend told me i make him feel good, but the ironic thing is he also has a girl friend.. "what is your girl friend for" is what i feel like telling him.. haha.

as painful as it is, perhaps it's time to move on and find someone who will love you the same way.. it's not healthy to live like this, i know from experience. in the end distance yourself from your friend and start looking for that love elsewhere. perhaps if he finds out you're dating another guy maybe it will make him feel jealous and he will act on it.. if not then you have your answer right there -- there would never be anything between you and him.

that said, could be very well your friend wants more of a 'support/caring' friendship from you than anything else.
and perhaps your friend won't come out and say "I'm straight" to you in fear he will break your heart and you will stop hanging out with him? food for thought..

 

Thank you that was good advice. Although, I must say that my friend DOES tell me he is straight. It is just those random moment where he admits to being bisexual. He also touches me all the time (not sexually) but in spots where I know he knows he is exciting me. It is all very confusing. It is not like we feel awkward around each other at all either. If he gets with a different guy other than me first I will feel very jealous and probably very angry.

 

if you think this hurts, consider how you would feel once he gets a serious girlfriend. maybe predetermination of these feelings will make you think twice about investing so madly in him.

my advice? be friends, we cannot help who we are attracted to - but hedge your bets, give yourself some leverage. i'd advise not moving in, or not yet, and keeping your eye out for a relationship with somebody else. they say the best way to get over love, is to fall back in love.

 

God this just makes my heart ache for you... and all the countless other gay guys who fall head over heels in love with their best friends. It aches because I can't imagine anything coming from this except pain for you. Your guy knows how you feel, you've talked and even if you hadn't talked he'd have to know just by looking at you. Since he hasn't responded by saying" lets get in bed and complete our love" it's probably never gonna happen.

So whats in store for you is more pointless pain and as Imaginary Being has stated, Wait till he gets a serious girlfriend. I know this kind of brain rendering pain. I loved my best friend back in a time when it was not even safe to be out let alone say to a straight friend "I love you". I listened to him talk about her, saw the look in his eyes when they were together, saw him drag in late at night after they had fucked till they were exhuasted. Dear God I came so close to death...death from just a heartache alone not to mention how the thoughts of dying seemed so sweet and peaceful.

Get some distance between the two of you. Give some other guy the chance to steal your heart while you heal from what cannot be. Don't wait till you're faced with watching him come home reeking of sex with some girl while your heart and balls are exploding with love, lust and loss. Countless millions of us gay guys have been here and suffered for naught while missing out on the chance to find someone else who might well creep into our soul. Love yourself enough to get someone that can give you love back in the manner that you want and need.

This guy may love you deeply but never be able to give himself sexually. Love him enough to respect that and find someone who can give himself to you.

 

get him drunk and get him naked

 

We get drunk together every time we see each other. He once said that the only way I could get him to fuck me is if I got him drunk then slipped him drugs. But of course I would never want to rape him. Him saying that to me should shut me up, but then he goes on to flirt with me all the time. He is very confusing. Part of me thinks he wants to move in with me in the city so he can explore his sexuality. IDK it is all very confusing. I should also mention that we already act like we are husband and wife (or husband and husband, lol) and everyone always says that to both of us.... "you guys should just fuck and get it over with", which ends up being taken as a joke, even though I think it is the absolute truth. Part of me wants him so bad and the other part thinks it would be weird as fuck. But I cannot make the part of me that wants him to stfu. Distancing myself from him wont work either, as we didn't talk for six months recently and it just made me want him more. When we talked again it seemed like we were even closer than before.

 

well, my advice is---do not throw away the friendship. there's only so few of the true friendships out there. you just got to get your head together about this thing. i agree with others here that you should start living your life and looking for a guy who can give you what you want. stop hoping for your friend to stumble into your bedroom one night. if you open yourself up and meet other guys this thing with your friend will get better. you might even meet a guy you fall in love with and who can be with you the way you want.

another thing, what i've learned in life, is that if there is sexual tension in the air, it comes from both parties. if he didn't contribute to it at all you would know. the reason why you feel confused is probably because you get that sexual tension from him but what he says and does contradicts that. it might be that he does feel sexual attraction towards you, but that does not mean he will ever act on it. the reasons for that might be different; for example he might strongly identify as straight so he will forever ignore what his body chemistry is telling him about you. or it might be sth different. it doesn't really matter. what matters is what he does. he knows you're attracted to him and that he has a chance with you and he doesn't act on it. that's what this comes down to. this is the reality of things. and this means you gotta accept and respect his choices (he's your best friend) and start moving on. you'll probably always love him, care about him, and there's nothing wrong with that. but do it in a way that lets you live your own life and find happiness with a guy who can be with you.

 

Sounds like he is toying with your affections I would stop talking to him. Actually I would just be honest and say look I want some if you don’t plan to give me some then don’t act like you do it’s not fair to me or to our friendship.

 

Good advice here.

You are centering your hopes around the idea that he has mentioned to you that he is "bisexual" on several occasions, apparently while you were both drunk.

This actually, may be true (or not). Which is really neither here nor there. You probably feel that regardless of his real sexual orientation, he has decided to give his str8 side a try. And a good try at that, too.

This leaves you in a dangerous limbo. He is going to keep on trying to find a gf and live a str8 life. Should this repeatedly fail for whatever reason, he'll pull out his "bi-card" and possibly try something else. There is really no indication that he'll do it with you as opposed to someone whom he really does not know and is has no bonds of friendship with.

The thing to do is to stay friends, and move on immediately. Get going, find yourself a nice bf and enjoy your life. Basing your future on the dim hope of your best friend coming over to you is simply irresponsible. It is just like throwing away a good job in the hope of winning a lottery just because you bought a lottery ticket.

Get going...

KD

 

Thank you all for the advice. It sucks though, because currently I live in a small town with hardly any (outed) gay people. There is a lot of homophobes here. I will have to wait until the end of next summer to start looking for love when I move to the twin cities.

That is what a lot of my problem is. There are no men for me here. And i cannot help but to fall for the one man in my life that I am close to (plus he is hot and I love him, lol)....

 

I felt very attracted to my only friend, well I still am very much, too much. Well he actually start to ask me if I was bi or what not and let out some his own personal secrets and fetishes. I was attracted to him, physically. It escalated from there into a fairly sexual thing for years actually. And during that time of course there was some very close and intimate moments which are still in my thoughts a lot of the time. IT was more than sex, we used to be there for each other during the shitty moments and the good ones. Eventually he started to drift away from that and get less and less comfortable till he made me sound like some kind of fucked up freak. I admit I did push him a bit one way cause I had such trouble letting go. Now I do really feel like a freak and completely destroyed.

Bottom line of my story, don't get into a gay relationship unless you're sure the other is willing and well past his self-doubts and stuff. Heck I'd say just don't get in a relationship but I'm just damaged goods.

 

You aren't messed up at all. I think it's beautiful. You can't really help who you fall in love with. Hell, I fell in love with one of my best friends from high school's exboyfriends (long story).

But if you think it's putting a lot of stress on you, then I would talk to him BEFORE moving in together. Let him know how you feel, cause if you don't and you move in together, you could grow to resent him and it'll hurt you even more. If nothing else, just to make sure that you're on the same page with everything. Find out how he feels and where he stands. Just to avoid any possible other drama that could come out of the whole thing, say he does start seeing someone and falling for them. At least you know that he knows and you are aware of the possibilities or lack thereof.

 

i have this friend and she's straight and everything but she never goes around her highschool chums just me and my boyfriend.

 

Wtf are u saying?

 

You have to talk to him and tell him what do you feel.