My mother and I have never been close, to say the least. Circumstances arose recently however, and now I'm living with her again, as well as with my grandmother. Around 1am she came home, completely trashed with some random guy that she didn't even know. I had been sleeping, and since we share a room, I figured I would rather go out than deal with that. So I went out, had some tequila with friends, and when they dropped me off there was an ambulance outside my grandmother's house. My mother had tried to kill herself. I went to the ER with my grandmother, and we sat there for about 2 hours while they said they didn't know what was going on. Finally they told us to go home because she's zonked out in the c.c.u. My grandmother is pretty overwhelmed by this, but I'm not. It's unfortunate, but I'm not crying or really even upset. If anything, I'm feeling kind of angry that she did this. I don't know, I just feel like maybe I should be more upset.
You're not a horrible person, mamita. I mean, considering everything that you have been through, and everything that you had to endure and now this. I would think that you would have snapped a long time ago but yet, you seem relatively cool. I admire the fact that you are strong enough to reach out like this, to be honest. Hell, you had me worried for a while when you dropped off the face of the Earth for that while, which I totally understood but, somehow, someway, you still manage to function even though it may seem that the odds are against you. Its definitely an admirable quality, AC. Keep your head up, mamita. One day, your recompense will come.
its my personal experience that when you care about someone, you develop a certain degree of apathy towards certain aspects of your relationship to protect yourself from being emotionally damaged, but its normal right? i mean if someones stabbing at your heart your going to try and block it.... i think its a way of retaining feelings for a person through emotional distress. you were feeling somewhat angry because your mother had already exhibited behavior that you felt you needed to protect yourself against, angry because you did have to protect yourself. thats what i think anyways....
You're not a bad person for keeping up a wall of sorts for personal emotional protection. That's a basic survival instinct. I feel bad for you for having to be witness to your Mom being in such a state. And I feel REALLY bad for your Grandmother (who I assume is her Mother and not your Dads Mom). Imagine, that's her baby - doing things she can't help with or control or fix. That's got to be breaking her heart in so many places. My love goes out to you.
I can't deal with this again. She hasn't even been out of the mental hospital for a week and she's all fucked up and being self-destructive. She's completely disrespecting my grandmother and even the guy that saved her fucking life. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to handle this, I just don't know.
Last night my mom got really fucked up and I ended up beating the shit out of my grandma's boyfriend because he headbutted her. It's not enough that she tried to kill herself, she had to cause more dysfunction to our family. I am almost to the breaking point I think. These past 6 or 7 months have just been one shit storm after another. Give me a fucking break already. I can't believe I did that. I just completely snapped, I didn't even realized I was doing it, or that my grandmother was next to me screaming for me to stop. I was trying to calm all of THEM down, I was the one holding back my mother, and then Jimmy, and then screaming and crying for them to stop while I tried to break my mother and grandmother up as they were choking one another. I was the one begging Jimmy not to call the cops, saying if he would just get out of her face she would calm down and we could all stop screaming at each other. I looked down and saw the blood on my hands and started screaming "WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT THE FUCK?!" over and over and over...they were shaking so bad, and all I could do was run out of the room. I sat down and cried and then Jimmy had the nerve to tell me he TRIPPED. I watched him, they had his arms behind his back so he couldn't hit her, and her arms behind her back so she couldn't hit him and she was screaming how she would fuck him up...and he just fucking headbutted her and I snapped. I broke his nose. I got his blood on me and my hand swelled up. And I've only lived here for a little over a week.