Posted May 03 2008 - 09:24 AM
I have struggled with being suicidal all of my life; I used to cut and burn myself a lot. I have had depression and very, very low self-esteem since I was little. As I've grown older, I have developed more anger problems. I used to think about killing my father. I would visualize it while I was talking to him a lot. I have had an eating disorder for three years. I attempted suicide a couple of years ago. I have had past problems with drug addiction. I have always had very low self-esteem and have been told by almost everyone that I am constantly apologizing to people for no reason.
I have a brother who is four years older than me and a cousin who is one year older than me. When my cousin (male) and I were very young, I remember asking him if he wanted to take off his pants, and I remember us getting naked together. My mom told me that one time she found my brother with me, and I was naked, and he was spanking me. I don't know whether any of that might be relevant; I'm just really throwing everything out there. haha
When I was little, I was extremely attached to my mother and very afraid of my father. I was afraid to sleep alone, and for a very long time I've been waking up with a knot in my stomach, although it has gotten worse as I've gotten older. I often wake up in a cold sweat and panic these days, and usually the first words to come out of my mouth every morning are "I'm sorry" or "Are you mad at me?"
Ever since I can remember, I've had unwelcome sexual thoughts about my father. I've tried to push them out of my head, but sometimes I can't. In turn, I feel like even more of a horrible person -- thinking about sexual activity with my own dad? What a pervert I must be.
Oh. My dad was also a very horny guy back in the day and was verbally and occasionally physically abusive to both me and my mother. I also know that before I was born he was not always faithful to my mother. He also used to be a terrible alcoholic, and only recently has he finally apologized to me and my mother for what he put us through. Before that he always claimed that he didn't remember any of what we were talking about. My mother was molested as a child, and my dad has always been jealous of the man who molested her. My father has accused my mother (as an adult) of having feelings for this man. He has also used me to get information about my mother's whereabouts, etc.
One of the worst things that I've been noticing lately is that I seem to need to be in abusive relationships. I was with a guy for a while who would tell me he wanted me to die, that I was worthless. He never hit me, but he always threatened to. He used to come get me in the middle of the night after drinking, take me out into the woods, and fuck me really hard in the ass. It was horribly painful and I didn't get any sexual pleasure out of it, yet I would tell him to keep going. It was the strangest feeling... some kind of release inside me. Not that kind of release, haha. Like a tightness in my chest going away, a feeling of, "YES! I FINALLY GET WHAT I DESERVE!!" Then, without a word he would drive off and leave me. Now, I would get up at two in the morning and sneak out of the house for this shit. I have no idea why.
Since then, even though on a conscious level I am of course looking for a loving and understanding partner, I have found myself seeking out abusers. I have left the nice guys in the dust, betraying them, making them feel like shit. Recently I have taken to looking at craiglist personal ads from older men. I have been tempted to post an ad saying that I'm seeking an older man to be my master and I will be his slave. It's not that I want that lifestyle, it just feels like what I'm meant to do. I have nothing else to contribute to the world. I have been contacting older men looking for sex, and I am feeling torn between going to meet them and not. That's really what has driven this post. I started to wonder, "Why am I doing this?"
There is a really nice guy, only a couple of years older than me, that I went out on a date with last night. He is good-looking, sweet, responsible, smokes, he even invited me to go play disc-golf this week. Sounds like a great guy to me. Haha. When I first met him, I was very attracted to him. But now that we hung out, I found myself decreasingly attracted to him, even though he's probably the nicest and most compatible guy I've dated.
I just feel like everything ultimately leads to sex, and that's all that is really important to anyone. I am also afraid that other people think I'm gross and that I want to have sex with them, even though I don't.
Even though I feel like I'm kind of sex-crazed, I am super ashamed of myself and my body, and I feel very uncomfortable when a guy wants me to take the lead (probably so he doesn't have to feel like so much of an asshole because he is fucking a silent pile of flesh). I just wish the guy would tell me what he wanted and let me try as hard as I can to do it perfectly.
Anyway, I'm starting to shake for some reason so I guess I'll stop typing. I just feel really strange. If anyone could help me, I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks so much for reading through all that.
Posted May 03 2008 - 05:08 PM
The past will only have whatever value you give it. At 17, you are on the verge of busting out of the cocoon. Don't drag that old thing around with you in the new life that's just around the corner.
Ain't nothing important but today.
Even if you were molested, will you bend to social pressure and become a victim, or will you exhibit strength and get on with your life?
Ain't nothing important but today.
Something that needs to be stopped before it spreads.
Posted May 05 2008 - 09:12 PM
One of my thoughts were well,how could you be good to yourself?
What happened in the past is not as important as what you do about it
or as important as today.
You've got to find ways to stop allowing yourself and others to treat you
I think most of us go through times of feeling worthless.
Hopefully the tide turns and we break out of that cycle.
Trust me I know what it's like to have problems,but I try not to let others and me beat the crap out of myself because I feel like shit about myself sometimes.
Instead of doing that I try to do nice things for myself instead.If it's just listening to some of my favorite music,having a good cup of coffee,talking to a friend,something.If you like to read buy yourself a good book whatever works for you.
Cry when you have to.If you need to let it out,let it go.Crying when I've needed to has helped me so very much.
Who says boys don't cry? Screw that!I'll cry if I want too!! LOL
Learning to appreciate small things in life that are simple but great is better than becoming a victim of our own sick thoughts and impulses.
Try simplifing things.Face yourself,learn to be good/nice to yourself.Do it often enough and you'll learn to love yourself.
Stay away from these things that are degrading and hurtful,begin to try another way.You don't have to be perfect for it to work.Just be yourself.
You may really want to consider theraphy.You never have to take medication,if you worry about that.You can just find someone to talk to.Shop around.
Hang In There,
Good luck,Keep us posted on how your doing,Ok?
with Peace & Joy...
Now there's a Revolution calling,
Power to the People.
Posted May 20 2008 - 08:27 AM
i am just not a therapy kind of person. looking back, the only thing that has really ever helped me is to go outside and sit in the woods, look around, and reflect. i'm not scared of my past. there's just a lot about it that will never be explained. you guys are right; i just have to remind myself once in a while that i am not my past, and i have every right to be myself. i think i tend to try to be submissive to relieve tension between myself and another person, but that's not my true self, and it doesn't help the situation.
anyway, in that post i kind of made it sound like my life has hit an all-time low right now or something, but actually not. i'm just past the point in my life where my answer to everything is "because i'm stupid and it's my fault" so i'm beginning to question a few more things from my past.
i'm actually doing better than i have been since i can remember, and i am very satisfied with my life, even though a lot of people dislike me and don't understand me or want to understand me.
oh, and i got a job, and i love it. getting paid to get out of the house sounds good to me. so that's another thing that'll keep me sane.
anyway thanks very much for your kind responses.
Posted August 18 2008 - 09:30 AM
Posted August 24 2008 - 04:10 PM
I can't remember it but here's something close:
Your problem is big and you've done your best you can. It takes a lot out of you holding it all together. But, I know you're strong because you're talking and sharing you're burden. Once other people can start helping you there is hope, and one day you won't have this pain.
You sound like a victim and in one or another you are. And I hope you'll find the help to rebuild you're self esteem. And make peace with sex.
Posted August 27 2008 - 01:40 PM
Posted August 28 2008 - 08:36 AM
Posted October 05 2008 - 08:34 PM
For a long time I've felt like I was sexually abused early in my childhood, but I don't remember anything actually happening. I used to have night terrors (not nightmares - with night terrors you actually "wake up", hallucinate, etc.)...
Sounds like you have post traumatic stress. I was molested as a child and blocked out the memory altogether for many years, till my brain chemistry strated to rework itself and it all came flooding back. I've had the night terrors and all that stuff. Memory blocks, night terrors, suicidal impulses and self injury are common with PTS.
I was particularly struck by one part of your post:
I have struggled with being suicidal all of my life; I used to cut and burn myself a lot. I have had depression and very, very low self-esteem since I was little.
With the sole exception of the cutting, that was the perfect description of my own expereinces. Cutting produces too much blood and not enough pain so for me burning was always the better option. Depression and self esteem issues have pretty much been a way of life for me and still are today.
As for the question you posed, you're the only one who knows for sure if you were molested, it may take time for the memory to reform in your mind but when it does you'll know what happened one way or the other.
If it wasn't a molestation it certainly seems like you went through some kind of traumatizing situation. My guess is sooner or later you'll memory will re-emerge. I'm not going to lie to you, that re-emergence may be hard to handle but at least it will give you the opportunity to come to terms with whatever you exprienced.
I try to reach out to others like me whenever I can, if you need someone to talk to feel free to PM me. I'm online most everyday.
--Larry Leamer; The Paper Revolutionaries
Posted October 06 2008 - 11:27 PM
Since you used to starve yourself or hurt yourself, you found a way to be in control of yourself. you can keep yourself from eating or you can show yourself that you are alive.
Always having abusive relationships, and wanting to get the guys that put you down, its a way of punishing yourself. and what makes you feel more comfortable is to be with someone that makes you feel uncomfortable because that is what your used to.
you need to accept yourself as a person who deserves better than what your allowing yourself. and that things happen, but its past now, and that you can move on with your life, and right now, no one can hurt you or abuse you. feel better about yourself. and give the nice guy another chance and see.... i was you once. and I gave a nice guy a chance. and i married him. And I went through everything you have. i was abused as a child, i starved myself and would cut myself. i would date the abusive guys. its all i thought i knew. but when i was able to finally accept what happened to me, and talk about it to someone, I moved on. The asshole doesnt get to control your life anymore. its your life.
Posted October 07 2008 - 04:44 PM
--Larry Leamer; The Paper Revolutionaries
Posted October 07 2008 - 09:47 PM
--Larry Leamer; The Paper Revolutionaries
Posted May 22 2009 - 07:16 AM
Posted September 12 2009 - 11:17 PM
i don't think you should be telling US this. i think you should get in touch with a professional to help you sort out these problems.
i don't want to admit that i've had "weird" dreams myself =/
Posted September 13 2009 - 08:13 AM
I had an abusive baby sitter when I was 4 or so and she had a son I was terrified of. I've had some real issues with sex that I'm working through, but when I start trying to remember those times, it's just too much and I freak out and blank. I have no idea what happened other than the physical abuse and being locked in a closet, and really I don't think it's necessary to find out. That was my past and my past doesn't have to be my now or my future.
hey Kinky Ramona, i know this post was a while ago but think it important to share with you that i believe it is important for you to remember as much as you can... what you can't, may well come back for you to remember at a later date... remembering it all in one go may be too much so you only give yourself small bit-sized pieces to deal with... whatever happens, when you do remember stuff, i think it best to get mad as hell about it, cry a lot, and then begin to move towards accepting it as having happened and as being a part of your past... that none of it was your fault and resolve that you will not allow it to destroy your future... just accept and love yourself exactly as you are... hope that helps...