Hello... is there *anyone* out there who is like me?

Discussion in 'Introduce Yourself!' started by ShyRebelSpirit, Apr 13, 2008.

  1. ShyRebelSpirit

    ShyRebelSpirit Member

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    Because if there is, I haven't met them. At least not in RL.

    Hi. I'm married, female, 35 (and not dealing happily with reaching that particular age milestone).

    I have 4 kids (yes FOUR) - an 8-year-old, and 3 4-year-olds (triplets), yes, they were IVF, to answer the question that always comes next.

    I stay home right now with the kids while my husband works, which leads to a lot of long days in the house with triplet 4-year-olds and an ADHD/bipolar 8-year-old, when he comes home, and not a lot of adult contact (YOU try making friends with other moms when you have triplets and another... it's damn hard, even in triplet mom groups).

    I've always been a 'good girl' - my whole life, probably mostly to try to please my mother (impossible, but that's a WHOLE other post), and have always been off-the-charts on IQ tests and such - not a brag, I don't really care because high intelligence doesn't equal high happiness in life; in fact it seems to me that those closer to the top or slightly right of the top of the bell curve are the happiest out there.

    So I've gotten the good grades, the college degree from the great school, worked in computers for 7 years, then got married and stopped working (I hated HATED what I was doing anyway) to have babies, had triplets and Boom my whole life turned from relatively happy mom toting around a baby and visions of a second to a recluse who didn't get out much.

    I have been taking classes in the summers and am planning, when the trips start kindergarten, to go back to school for a second degree in nursing. The ultimate goal would be to work as a nurse for a few years (with girls who could be my daughter, sigh) and then get into a CRNA program, which is a nurse anesthetist master's degree; CRNA's are in huge demand, make enormous salaries, and I could pretty much set my own hours. That would take a number of years but I could do it, if I can get into the programs.

    Posting more detail here then I intended. The point of this post was, is there anyone else out there who is married, with kids, 30's-40's or a young mom in there 20's, living a "good girl" life.

    PLUS

    Who finally decided, about a year ago, that it was for shit and started growing her own pot after wearing down her husband (he eventually built the cabinet for me to grow it in and is now enjoying the fruits of all my hard work for 5 months). Why? Because I'm a hugely overly-sensitive, anxious, tense, worried person, with an enormous amount of daily stress, had tried pot in college with pretty good effects but never got regular (I was too nerdy and shy to hang out with 'those type of people') with using it, just a handful of times. Plus I don't drink much, and hate beer, which is probably a Very Good Thing considering the kids and what they put me through.

    Don't get me wrong, I love my children beyond life itself, and they know it, and I'm not perfect but I do my best to make sure they have what I never had (or have now) - the utmost surety, deep in their bones, that they are deeply loved for who they are, no matter what they do or choose or turn out to be, for as long as they and I are living. So sure that they never question it, it never occurs to them to question it, it's like questioning if the sky will be there when they open the blinds in the morning - of course it is.

    (I type fast, so I type too much. Sorry. Forging ahead..)

    So I'm not a good girl anymore. I'm a Mom Who Smokes Pot. With her husband. Only for a few weeks now, but after seeing how much better about life both hubby and I felt, there's unanimous consent to keep the growing cycle going, so I'm going to pop a couple of Bubblicious in a pot this afternoon (must keep them separate from the tomato seeds I'm planting as well!).

    We technically don't "smoke" it - we vaporize. After seeing my father go through throat cancer after 40 years of smoking - ages 15-55, had no desire to breathe in all that smoke, plus it made DH sick, so got a vaporizer (the new Extreme - highly recommend it even if I have nothing to compare it too - bottom line is - it WORKS). Only after the kids are well asleep, safely, etc.

    But now I feel like I don't fit in anywhere. Growing your own pot and smoking it, or smoking it at all seems to be something you're supposed to do in your teens and early twenties, then eventually drift away from and embrace a grown up life. I acted like too much of a grown-up when I was 16 or 24, so now I'm a little lost.

    I can't be the only one out there that grows up, gets a degree, gets a career or rather series of jobs, gets married, has a bunch of kids, yet continues to smoke (not with or in front of the kids, obviously, but as a responsible mom (ha)).

    And can I be the only one out there who STARTS smoking weed at 35? It helps me the next day too... my anxieties, depressions, patience with the kids (left over from the night before).

    Basically it just makes the constant CHATTER of observation and criticism that is always in my head freaking *shut up* for awhile, and I can just relax and enjoy feeling peaceful and perhaps experience what other less neurotic people feel like all the time.

    Well, sorry to be so long. If anyone is anything like me, I'd love to hear from you, I'm not exactly wondering if there's a "Mothers Of Triplets and Bipolar Children Who Stay Home And Smoke Pot At Night" playgroup in my area, I just would like to know if as is usually the case, I'm different than everyone else my age/demographic/situation in life and if that's a bad thing (internal judge usually says yes).

    I don't feel guilty about it, by the way. The past year with Ron Paul running, I looked into and read a whole lot about medical marijuana, the way it works now with individual state laws contradicting federal laws and how that's working out (not well), and the debate over whether it should be legalized (or as they say "decriminalized").

    I'm all for it - in my state there's a bill that's been in progress for a year or so now to decriminalize it as others around us have, but I have some doubts about whether it will pass, when it finally hits a ballot. It became a bill after they did a questionnaire on an election day a few years ago and something like 76% of people responded that they would be okay with seeing it legalized. I look at what legal alcohol does to people and the lives it ends or ruins, legal cigarettes and the number of oncologists they keep in business, and compare them to pot, especially when vaporized, and the world just suddenly doesn't make any sense to me.

    Anyway, hope someone responds. Even just to say hi. Even if you're not like me at all, or just a little bit.

    EmmaJane

    P.S. Despite the rambling, wasn't at all stoned or smoking when I wrote this - I just write in tangents, because I'm always getting interrupted by a child or something so I tend to switch topics or get distracted really easily. Plus I type incredibly fast so I type as I think, rather than stopping to formulate sentences. Some people find this annoying. I hope you don't. [​IMG]
     
  2. jimmyjoe1

    jimmyjoe1 toker Lifetime Supporter

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    Hello Emmajane nice intro im hear glad to welcome you . nice to have you here ,PEACE.
     
  3. ShyRebelSpirit

    ShyRebelSpirit Member

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    thanks, JimmyJoe! I'm Irish 2nd-generation so nice to see the 'Dublin'. Wish I could get over there sometime. Someday I will.

    EmmaJane
     
  4. soaringeagle

    soaringeagle Senior Member

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    ok i read it all and nope im not alot like ya but can totaly relate
    i hope the good girl in ya wont be scared to handg out with the bad boy in me though..lol now that your smokingand less anxious u can see a wider brighter world

    seems to me though that youd also benifit from dpoin a lil exploring outside the houyse and carreer, take the family on adventures you never imagined going on, sitting at home taking care of kids and doing lil else must numb the mind and spirit...but
    take those kids and do something lifechanging with them something that you and them will never forget, ..trhats what u need to remind you why you had kids to begin with..
    its your life make it an exciting adventure


    always here if u wanna talk
     
  5. jimmyjoe1

    jimmyjoe1 toker Lifetime Supporter

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    good to know the irish is in you Emmajane , yea dublin is a good place to live . its packted with ppl from all ovr the world ;) but its good , hope you make it over some how ,jimmy,
     

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