Searching for a third party opinion.

Alright, so here's the situation. Me and my girlfriend have been dating for two years (tomorrow's the day). Through our whole relationship, she had feelings for another guy, but (hopefully) not as strong as the ones for me for at least a whole year of our relationship. Not sure if she still does. She told her best friend that she likes him on my birthday and I managed to find out. Was rather heartbroken at that time, but got over it. After a couple of months, both of us were laying in bed after some 'fun' and we started talking about relationships and what-not and I somehow asked her if she likes the guy. Her reply was, qoute "I'll allow myself to skip that question." She did it in a serious face. After that sentence I almost stood up and walked out. At the moment, she's "joking" about us getting married and a relationship that would last for a really long time, but after incidents like that, I'm not sure if I want to be with her at all. I sometimes do get paranoid that when I ask her to go with me somewhere on a friday night she says she'd rather be at home, and I imagine that she's seeing someone else.

So as a third party, that knows the story, what are your thoughts, opinions? Perhaps advice? FYI, both of us are 20.

 

Sounds like we are still getting to know ourselves. In such a situation you cannot seriously commit. If you do not know yourself then it is not possible to know if you could honor such a commitment.

 

I am certainly not going to commit myself at such a young age. I have a certain policy when it comes to marriage and kids, so that is out of the question for at least another 8 years. I'm just wondering what is your opinion when it comes to her liking someone else and ending up in such situations? What would you do in my shoes? The marriage was just as a side note that this might get really serious.

 

I wouldn't have an arrangement that I did not feel secure in.

 

dump her and tell her to come back when she's mature enough not to skip tricky questions

 

Get plastic surgery to look like the other guy and confront her

if she comes on to you, then you'll have your answer. Simples.

 

She's immature. You can either accept she's not ready to be in a committed relationship and deal with this stuff, or move on. Sorry, bubba.

 

Le sigh. She really does seem committed to this sort of thing. I would be too 100% only that several things bother me about her when it comes to cheating or being unfaithful. Too bad I'm head over heels in love with her.

 

Well, that "skip" was an obvious "Yes, I do like him." So that was an answer in itself.

Sorry for double posting.

 

It's been two years. She's been into this other guy the whole time. Why are you still with her?

 

Why is she still with me then?

 

Alot depends on her personality and character. Her being attracted to another guy does not neccesarily mean that she would cheat. Is cheating the main issue, or is the problem that she is attracted to another guy even if she is faithful?

I guess the fact that she said she would "skip the question" is saying, yes, she likes him. So at least you know that she is being honest.

If fidelity is the only issue, you might try talking to her again, only tell her what's going on with you rather than asking her if she likes so-and-so.

Trust is important, so I think it might be good to work this out.

If she can be faithful, but you can accept that she also feels/felt attracted to another guy, I think it can work out. Lots of people feel attraction outside of a relationship, but it doesn't necessarily have to translate into infidelity. And even in cases where people would like to be unfaithful, they're able to not do that when they know it would harm the relationship.

 

she's a fucking whore.

maybe you look at this relationship and you invest into it differently than she does. i'd move on. no reason to be disrespected like that and left worrying when you're not together.

 

Thanks a lot for the reply. When it comes to her personality, she's not one to cheat. And if it would happen, I could see it clearly. Whenever she's done something wrong, she's like an open book. It's about being honest that ticks me off. I cannot stress enough how important honesty and respect in a relationship is for me. Another thing that ticks me off is the fact that according to her, she would never tell me if another guy kissed her or did something to her like an ass grab or w/e. Which would make me go through anything just to rip his arms off if I would find out on my own. The fact that a person stays completely honest with me attracts my attention a lot.

 

being dishonest is just as bad as cheating

 

I guess it depends on the level of dishonesty. Or am I just making excuses for her?

 

So it doesn't sound like she has lied to you, so she hasn't been dishonest. There's things that she won't tell you though, and you know this because she has told you so.

So it sounds like you tend to get jealous. The more jealous that you are, the more likely she is to not tell you things that might make you jealous. So of course she wouldn't tell you about an ass grab, because she probably wouldn't want you to kill anyone or go to jail. But that in turn probably drives you even more crazy, because then maybe you imagine all these ass grabs going on in your head.

And so maybe she didn't tell you about this other guy she was attracted to for similar reasons, she knew you would be jealous.

If you could get to a place where you're not going to kill anyone about an ass grab (maybe just give them the finger or something), she might be more inclined to tell you. And so I don't know, maybe there haven't been any ass grabs going on, she just in principle wouldn't tell you if it did happen.

Maybe an easier thing to work on is if you can deal with her telling you about being/ having been attracted to another guy, she can tell you about it. Would you get pissed if she told you? Maybe she can also give you some reassurances that she is not cheating if she doesn't want to see you on a Friday.

Ok, so I tell lots of people this, but couple counciling is something to think about. Don't know if everyone is happy with it, and you may need to shop around to find a councilor you like, but it could be worthwhile. Maybe you could just work this out on your own.

I know that you're both pretty young, but if you're really crazy about this girl, and you have the cash to throw down, could be worth trying. No guarantees though.

This reminds me of something. I remember seeing something on tv that said that one of the best predictors of a relationship staying together was whether or not the couple could communicate about things about things that bothered them without getting hostile about it, even being affectionate. That's just what I remember hearing. Maybe worth thinking about.

I would like to hear how it goes. For one, I can find out if my advice is any good. Also, when a relationship is really good, I like to hear that things have worked out.

I hope it all works out.

 

That's not the question.

The question is, why are you with her?

She is not the only one who matters in this relationship.

 

oh, or maybe you could make a deal where she agrees to slap anyone who ass grabs her. Maybe if she can take care of her self, you won't go balistic if something happens.

 

About me getting incredibly jealous and wanting to break necks - that only happens when I find out that she hasn't told me. Then I get furious. But if she tells me, I react completely differently. I don't even bother with the guy.

Couple counciling is sort of out of the question. I mean, come on, we're not even married. It's only been two years anyway.

When it comes to being open and honest about everything, no matter what's the problem, sexual or emotional, I tend to open myself up completely and discuss anything that's bothering me or her. Unfortunately, she doesn't seem to feel the same way. I'm the only one who engages in such discussion, most of things I get from her are nods and "yeah... I guess..".

If she would really be attracted to someone else, then what am I doing with her? Go get him, be my guest. I'm not one who tends to sit and wait around being the back-up plan. If you don't like me? Close the door on your way out.