Mindset?

Does having a positive/negative mindset affect how you are going to be received?

I ask just because I have recently started seeing this girl, for a bit more than a month. We haven't seen each other for about a week-2 weeks, and I can't help but think she is avoiding me or somehow isn't interested anymore, which is weird because she was extremely into me, or so it seemed.

As far as the question, I am just wondering if believing that she is not interested or thinking that she is uninterested anymore is having a subconscious effect on how I will act around her?

I guess I'm just used to rejection/failure and am sort of bracing myself for that impact, even though I have no real indication that I actually will fail.

 

Honestly, I think it depends on the person receiving you as much as your mindset. Which is absolutely no help to your situation.

Have you talked to her at all?

 

any details? if we knew the whole story it might help

 

You don't want to monitor how you might be received but whether or not your thoughts serve you. I think only on that basis should you be concerned of your overall mindset.

 

From personal experience I've found that anytime I have a positive mindset and believe without worry that a guy is into me, he actually gets really into me.

If I begin living in fear that he's going to lose interest, he usually does lose interest and this more than likely has to do with the way in which I express my insecurity around him. Insecurity isn't really attractive to anybody.

You should go into it with the confidence that of course this girl digs you and of course you will not fail. At the very least, your confidence will make you appear more attractive to her.

 

I mean we've hung out handfull of times, we've texted quite a bit, talked on the phone some and have fooled around a bit. weekend before last she wanted me to meet her mom and that kind of freaked me out a bit - it isn't that i don't want a relationship with this girl, just that it seemed kind of soon for me to be meeting a parent.

i told her no and since then things have been a little bit more strange, i guess?
i've asked her to hang out a couple times and she has been busy - okay i can understand that. but not seeing her in a week+ makes my head go nuts because i really don't know if she's still into me, and with her being busy, my anxiety and imagination take control and construct scenarios in which she is not interested.

i'm trying to restrain it a bit so i don't come off as this jealous/suffocating person, but there is a lot that i guess i don't understand about the dynamic of this relationship. and i really don't want to be the one to pull the 'what are we' discussion...i'm used to that leading to a crushing blow - as unhealthy as it sounds to try and prolong it, i don't think i can deal with more of that

nice, yeah this is what i was pretty much getting at.

i'm not sure if i feel insecure about myself, just that i don't really know what she wants or expects from me? i don't really know my role?

i'm more worried that i'm going to be bothering her or something, classic nice-guy issues. (and no i'm not a doormat, i'm just simply a nice person to people i care about)

 

hmmm... so maybe you can ask her if not wanting to see her mom made her mad. If she says no, then you could say "well I was wondering if you were mad about that, because I haven't seen you too much since I said that I didn't want to see your mom".

It sounds like saying that you didn't want to see her mom was the precipitating factor. different people have different ideas about what meeting a parent means.

 

right. i was planning on pulling that conversation out, but not really sure how to do so.

i dunno, i guess the longer i wait the more difficult it will be and will just be a thorn in my side until i do.

 

of course it does.

 

doesn't have to be fancy. call, email, or face to face "are you mad that I didn't want to see your mom?"

 

i'm just thinking though - the mindset can't change/affect a change of heart in the other person...

i'm just tearing myself up inside about it and i feel like somehow, some reason i'm going to totally just lose myself again and be in this pit of despair for another couple weeks before the cycle repeats.

 

ok, just my opinion on the subject.

First, maybe don't be so afraid of the worst case scenario. If you are not afraid of it so much, you won't worry so much and it's less likely to trip you up. Also, you can deal better if things don't work out.

There's a good chance that she just thought that by turning down the visit with her mom that you didn't like her/ weren't serious about her, etc. Not talking about what is going on seems to me to be the easiest way to end up torpedoing the relationship.

Yes, it's great to be confident and have a good mindset. Worrying that you don't have the right mindset would just make things worse though. Accept whatever mind set you have, and try to make the best of it.

It's good to think about how much better things could be if you just talk this thing out. If your mind goes to the negative, just accept that. You don't have to force anything, I don't think, but still, maybe just have the courage to get this thing done and don't worry about the mindset.

 

and can't you just send her email on the subject? you won't have to worry so much about how you come across that way.

 

yeah i mean it's just more than just that. i'm gonna ask her about it next time i see her, but it's not like that is seemingly going to happen...

i know i shouldnt trip, my friends are tellin me whatver more fish etc. but that talk just pisses me off when literally every girl i've felt for ends in that saying

i guess i shouldn't wrap myself in it when i don't even know whats up yet - it definitely could just be that she's been busy with school and shit.

 

I agree with e7m8 on this one. Hope it works out!

 

so maybe you can make a point of seeing her, calling her, leaving a message, or email.

even if things don't work out, finding out what went wrong could be useful to you.

 

i think that i'm just going manic on this shit. i just need to see her and talk about that to make me feel better - it could all be in my head

 

Have you thought about dating more than one girl at once? It helps me keep the casual casual, and the serious serious.

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Edit: I also give the nod to e7m8´s posts about simply accepting your mindset. Forgive me for saying it, but it sounds to me that by projecting your mindset onto something outside of your mind, you are trying to control something that is, quite simply, outside of your control.

No mindset will give you control over someone else's actions, IMO. But I assume, you still can control your own actions.

 

i would date more than one girl at once if i was interested in more girls - just not a lot catch my eye i guess.

i am fully familiar with not being able to control others' actions, but my point in asking was if people can really pick up on it.

i am taking all of what i feel with a heap of salt, knowing that i am prone to this thinking and knowing that it all could just be a coloring of the situation

 

What if they do?

So, there's absolutely no one you know or have met recently aside from this one girl that you would tolerate having a casual interaction with? How about platonic friends to hang out with?