jokes you wont offend the kids with!

"Ward, I think you were a little hard on the Beaver last night."

 

This Comes From The 60's TV Show......"Leave It To Beaver"......Right...???....



Cheers Glen.


Ooops.....On Second Thoughts......Maybe Not So.

 

^ i was going for the more sexual connoation of the phrase/quote

 

I'll never forget my grandfather's last words
"stop shaking the bloody ladder you little shit"

 

How do you get DOWN off an elephant?....you can't, you can only get DOWN off a duck....or a goose.

Why do elephants have four feet? Because six inches won't get there.

 

Husband storms in through the front door, cursing, "Damn flat tire! I just ran over a milk bottle."

Concerned wife, "It's broad daylight. How did you not see the milk bottle in the middle of the road?"

Shouting husband now, "The damn kid hid it under his jacket!"

 

A curious reporter visits a farm; a source of rumors about a pig with a wooden leg.

Reporter, "I've heard you have a pig with a wooden leg."

Farmer, "That's the best damn pig I ever had. Saved my life! A tractor fell on me, and that pig went and got help. Saved my life! Best damn pig I ever had!"

Reporter, "Yeah, but how'd he get the wooden leg?"

Farmer, not acknowledging the question, continued, "One time my wife left the stove on, and the kitchen caught fire while we were sleeping. That pig jumped onto our bed, waking us up, and we were able to put the fire out. Saved my life again. That's the best damn pig I ever had!"

Reporter, "Yes, I get that he's a great pig, but HOW DID HE GET THE WOODEN LEG?!"

Farmer, now annoyed at having to explain the obvious, "Listen! You just don't eat a good pig like that all at once!"

 

I saw 2 blind guys squaring up to each for a fight.
I shouted, “My moneys on the one with the knife!”
You should’ve seen them both run away...

 

I love the dad jokes!

Where does a general hide his armies?
In his sleevies.

 

What do you call a poet with a cold?

An illiterate.

 

Only cuz if they are too young (5and under and raised in a good home they wont get it)
I told my 5 yr old this yearsyeago instructing him to tell his kindergarten teacher this joke.
PS: We both knew her personally

What do you get when you cross a rhinosaurus with an elephant?

EliphIknow

 

So this man comes up to this guy selling pencils on the street corner. "How much for one of your pencils?" he asks. "One million dollars" is the reply. "Uh! 'One million dollars'! People won't buy pencils for one million dollars!" "I know that. But if I sell just one, I'll be rich!" (I still don't know if I heard that joke some where, of if I came up with it myself. If I came up with it myself, I think it is pretty good, if I say so myself. Clean and cute.)