I am hoping someone might be able to provide some shared experiences or advice. I have been with my fiancé for 2 years now and a range of tendencies and strange behaviour has led me to wonder whether my partner is a sociopath. Below is a brief overview: When we met he really wooed me, he would bring me several bunches of flowers every week and treat me like a Queen! It was almost over the top. He really rushed things with me and wanted to move quickly even though he wasn’t long out of a relationship (12yr) where he had 2 kids. He quickly said he loved me and it seems like he meant it, he has always been very kind and caring towards me, he is a hard worker and is currently supporting me whilst I am on mat leave with our baby. However if we ever have an argument he will constantly talk about how much he kills himself working for us and to make me happy and give me a good life. It’s as if he belives that because he does that he can then get away with what ever he pleases. He never plans ahead, often to our detriment. He lies all the time and exaggerates stories to make himself look like an awesome guy. He blames his ex for the breakdown of their relationship and takes no accountability himself. He is supposed to see his kids every second weekends but one of them doesn’t want to see him and that doesn’t seem to bother him, he just blames his ex and the child for being difficult, but he’s not upset by not seeing the child. He has a couple of close friends who live away but his only friends here are a couple of work colleagues who like to party. Other old friends from school days seem to avoid him. But aside from all that, the main reason I believe he may be a sociopath is that since we met, every 6-8wks he says he is going out for a pint and he stays out all night long, during that time ignoring every one my endless calls and txts and I won’t hear from him until around 8-9am the following morning when he either callls to say he had a few beers and fell asleep on a mates couch (always the same excuse) or just arrived home in a state with the same lame excuse. He then gets angry at me for freaking out at him and some how deflects blame to me from overreacting!?!... often we have major bust ups and I’ve had to lock him out for fear is the state he will come home in. Once he disappeared for 2 days and another time I found out he cheated on me in the very early days during one of these disappearing acts (I was to blame for going through his computer). Each and every time I am overwhelmingly upset and threaten to leave him, I have kicked him out for days at a time... nothing seems to have an impact. At the time he swears blind he will never do it again. But he does it again and again as if it was all brand new. He has no shame what so ever when I ever raise the topic or when he sees my parents. He constantly bigs himself up to others as if he’s a saint. I am at my wits end, I love him and we have a child together and outside of this he is generally a great guy, the life and soul of the party etc. but how can I stay with a man who is constantly letting me suffer like this. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Sounds like it. One of the key traits with narcissists/sociopaths when it comes to relationships is they really rush things...they say ''I love you'' way too quickly. You probably felt like you barely knew him when he was coming on so strong, and it likely made you feel special. But, he's probably that way with every chick he dated before you - and they do this, so they can control you and the relationship, quicker. I dated what I'd consider a sociopath who lied, played me, came on way too strong too soon in the beginning, over texting, possessive, etc. If you marry this guy, you will truly regret it. He will zap you of all your energy, day in and day out, and you will be exhausted on a constant basis. Just sorting out the lies, is annoying enough. I think you know what to do, but breaking up with a sociopath is hard. He will plead, beg, stalk ...try to wear you down. The only way to rid your life of him is to go no contact but you have a kid together, so that will be difficult. My advice, don't marry this guy. Please don't ignore all these red flags. Even if he isn't a sociopath, he's an abuser. You're in an emotionally abusive relationship.
The thing that doesn’t seem to fit the bill is that he is not at all controlling in any way though. He’s very laid back and has never tried to manipulate me in to doing things etc. When he’s not on one of his binges, he’s quite gentle really. Yes I agree it’s an emotionally abusive relationship and yes I suppose I know I have to end it. I just never imagined I would be a single Mum trying to cope with life alone
He is controlling you though, by lying and giving you empty promises all the time. That's how he manipulates you. You're still with him, so he knows he can treat you however he wishes, and you'll stay. It would actually be better for you to be alone temporarily, than stay with someone who doesn't treat you well. If I had kids, I wouldn't want someone like this in their lives, that's also something to think about. Hope things get better for you.
Regardless that you have a kid together, if he doesn't make any honest attempt to change his ways, I'm not sure why you are staying with this man. Get out of that relationship sooner than later.
I dont think any of us could determine if he's a sociopath but at the very least he sounds like a serial cheater. If you know for a fact that he cheated on you during one of his nights out its highly unlikely that he's just crashing on a friend's sofa all the other times. If that was the case why wouldnt he just answer his phone when you call. Leaving someone when you have a child together isnt ideal, no one wants to be a single parent but you also want to set a good example for your child and teach them about self respect. People can only treat you as badly as you let them treat you
I agree fully. Sadly, people like him will mess up other peoples lives, but will never find true happiness either. I imagine that getting her pregnant was just part on the ongoing cycle of treating and controlling another human being like a new car and assuming that it is only a matter of time before he trades it for the latest model. Although not as common, I have known women who have treated guys in the same way. One example springs to mind and now (at our age), despite all the fun that she has had over the years, she is a lonely and bitter person.
I kicked him out a week ago when he did this and told him he was not coming back. Yesterday he contacted me to say he has decided to get professional help and face his demons. I have said I don’t want him to move back in and I won’t consider getting back with him again unless I see some serious action and associated change. That is all I can do for now, my child deserves both parents together if that is possible, yes I 100% agree that that should only happen if it is a healthy, respectful relationship. We just have to see if getting help will bring change. He has never undergone any kind of therapy in his life so perhaps it will awaken him. It is a long journey ahead, wish me strength!
I do wish you strength and the best of luck. Please give that therapy sometime (minimum of 6 months), and actually see if there's any change in his behavior. Don't just take his word that he's going to seek therapy, and think things will get better fast. He needs to show that he wants to get better by actually attending. It can be hit or miss (depending on the dynamics and character of the therapist), and it totally depends on the will of the person attending to put what they get out of those sessions into action. Be weary of "missed sessions" for whatever reason (unless its legitimate). He has to really want this.
Woah woah woah... Am I the only one here that see this dude has to live with A LOT of rules? Now read the middle of that first post again from his point of view. It's a constant nag fest. Sorry, but some people can't live like that I know I couldn't. I need to be free. Like I don't condone the violence or anything but after the nag I'm thinking it could be frustration on his part. Tbh it sounds like he's done a bloody good job staying in this one. I mean this dude is getting judged harshly on his personal characteristic and traits that you just can't change in a person. Like the whole planning ahead of time jango. Some people do and some people don't. And we the ones that do, hate the one that don't but you look past it, they're always like that, that's how it's going to be. Like a few other things you've said about it. It's just them. I've never been in a broken relationship or just dumped or got dumped, I've only been in one currently, but I'm sure if we broke up it'd totally be her fault too. The kids is a worry but then again, I don't want children at this point so if I had them I'd probably be greatful if I didn't have to see them lol. But that's just me I'm fucked I know. Talking yourself up is a such a guy thing so it wouldn't surprise me if 8/10 do it to some degree, you also need to learn that men like to not let truth get in the way of a good story. What I mean is, exaggeration is common. And otherwiseys it just sounds like he wants to do best by you, but he just cant get ahead. Whether that's self infliction or not I mean one day you gotta wake up and ask yourself has he really got it for you? Maybe you shouldn't have got into a relationship with him I'm thinking. He really doesn't sound like that awesome special guy or husband material for you. Im bit buzzed at the moment so may have read the context wrong, but from my buzz point of view. There ya have it. I'm sorry if I read it wrong lol. I hope I read it wrong!
Yeah probably. But the main thing is others have said he's no good and I've said the same thing lol, it just doesn't sound like a right match for her. Just two different I see no connections to be made. They're just too different but in ways that aren't attractive either, for her. But for the record I do think he was being nagged. and nobody liked a nagger. Best advice I got from my father, while he was in a quiet period with my mother over some house hold chore.
obviously nothing's truly inevitable. i just get sick of hearing about women (both online and in real life) who are in various types of abusive relationships, and they NEVER seem to be willing to end it, at least not permanently. it's good that you kicked him out, but notice you also gave him a way back in during that very same post.
He sounds like troubled person but not a sociopath. From your descriptions he sounds more like someone with borderline personality disorder. It sounds like you’re committed to your relationship, and I wish I could say that he has the ability to change, but he won’t. If anything, it will take less to get him angry, and rage will be more explosive. There’s a book about living with someone with borderline personality that be helpful titled Walking on Eggshells.
Huh? He is a sociopath because every 6 to 8 weeks he goes out gets drunk, doesnt come home till the following morning? I dont think thats the clinical definition of a sociopath. Am I missing something? Also, 2 kids from a previous relationship, whise mother I take it he dumped for the OP.....and now OP is surprised its happening to her????
