I'm becoming a controlling boyfriend, help!

I'm serious, i think i will probably need councelling but first i will see what you lot think. I'm 19 years old.
I'll cut the story short:

Was with a girl for 2 years on and off, she was my first girlfriend, first everything. She cheated on me with two people, then ended it. I became insecure and untrusting, we then went back out with eachother and actually had a good relationship for about 18 months, but i cheated on her out of revenge. She didnt know until i told her when we did finally split.
In those 18 months we were in our own bubble, very VERY rarely saw friends because the trust wasnt there. We got in our own routine of sleeping round eachothers houses and never really doing much else other than cinema, meals out etc.
So when i came out the relationship i had a false idea of what relationships should be like, i was also very untrusting towards girls because i had no idea i'd get cheated on....

Cut to now, have a new gf of about 4 months, totally different from my ex. She likes to go to pubs and do things with her friends and generally is much more social than my ex, and i've become very controlling. Examples:


[*]Something inside me has to ask who she is texting on her phone, 90% of the time i ask her this.
[*]I dont like the idea of her seeing friends, especially when she is drinking, even though i have NO reason not to trust her, she has never cheated on anyone and is very down to earth.
[*]If she does go out i ask her a lot of questions about it the next day. Who was there, what she did etc etc
[*]I want to see her a lot, and when she doesnt want to i demand a reason as to why not. Example, i wanted her to sleep over tomorrow night. She said she didnt want to, i demanded to know why and i took it as an offence.



etc etc, it has got to breaking point now. I love her to bits and she loves me too, but she cant see herself staying with me much longer because she feels i dont trust her at all, and im not giving her any space. So she is bordering on ending it.

Would love some advice and some ideas on how to fix myself, perhaps from girls or guys who have been in this situation?
Thanks...

 

You have to learn that you cannot own someone. Everyone must have an individual life--not a life dictated by another. Unless you find a woman that needs an abusive relationship. There are plenty around. Is that what you want? I don't know how you learn to trust except to intellectualize it out if in fact you have the intellect to do so.

 

I agree with scratcho that the truth is what you have to rely on in this situation, (intellectualize). Irrational feelings are a vestigial throwback to an earlier time, prehistoric strategies, a lizard brain that fights with other males for the right to mate, or that looks to keep the females from straying from the harem.

Many people just go with their basest impulses in these things swearing that they uphold noble values. Those people end up on Jerry Springer.

I think it is healthy for the sake of peaceful mankind that you challenge this aspect of yourself.

 

try pinpointing reasons for why you do these things.
and focus on the boyfriend you want to be.

do you actually trust her, or are you just trying to convince yourself you do?

people do their thang just like you do, but the only justifications that people can account for is within themselves and their decisions.

the fact that you cheated on your gf as a way of revenge (which is fucked up) leads me to think you're kinda an emotional guy? maybe you need to think more logically.

 

"
[*]I want to see her a lot, and when she doesnt want to i demand a reason as to why not. Example, i wanted her to sleep over tomorrow night. She said she didnt want to, i demanded to know why and i took it as an offence."
This one would make me dump you.
Quit it, asap; you don't own her.

The others are pretty bad as well, but this is the one that takes it most overboard, in my opinion.

Challenge these impulses and silently congratulate yourself when you do. If she texts, fight the impulse to ask her who it's with, and then let yourself feel happy that you did.

I'd talk to her frankly and ask her to give you some time to try to get back to a more balanced behavior; explain to her that it isn't that you don't trust her, merely your last relationship made you forget how to trust. Let her correct some of your behaviors and tell you when you are being an ass. But if you don't want to lose her, you're going to have to let her in on your problems and let her be actively aware of your troubles, and attempts to fix them.

 

And always remember that no matter what you do throughout your life--there is going to be pain and there is going to be joy. The best we can do is strike a balance that feels right and does no harm to others. If you have or can develop and maintain a good and continual sense of humor,particularly when it comes to YOURSELF--nothing can harm you and you will harm nothing. Good luck,friend.

 

trust is pretty essential to make things work.

if you can't trust her you know things are going to fail. part of it is maybe not worrying so much that she might cheat. so there is a non-zero possibility that anyone would cheat. when you no longer fear that she might cheat, you can learn to be less controlling.

have you talked to her already about what happened in the last relationship?

you could also do a search on the web using a term like "how to build trust in a relationship" or "how to build trust in a relationship after infidelity" or something like that. there may also be some good books on the subject that you could get from the library.

 

Amen to Duck and scratcho's last posts. Just say no to controlling behavior, and deal with the fear. It ain't easy, and it will take a lot of time, but eventually you'll gain inner peace.

Duck had some excellent suggestions. Some thought exercises could also help you manage the fear. Make it a habit to look for ways that she shows her love, and meditate on things she does that help you feel loved - especially at times you're tempted to feel jealous or fearful - change the direction of your thoughts. As thedope suggested, try to be rational - fight fearful thoughts with thoughts that make you feel more secure.

Foster an attitude that mitigates the power of the fear - what's the worst that can happen? She finds somebody else and then what? You found her after you broke up with the last one, right? Have you thought about how many girls are out there? A helluva lot, lemme tell ya. So what's the worry? Especially as young as you are...

Remember that you are both free agents, always. Respect that. If she does something that hurts, then...it hurts. Pain doesn't kill you. Feel the pain, but don't let it control your actions - it's not YOU, it's only chemicals - so is romantic love, for that matter - separate yourself from the pain, don't identify yourself with it - ignore the burning and make calm, rational choices. Laugh at yourself, as scratcho suggested. Make jokes to yourself - and to her too, maybe - about your crazy-ass ways.

If you want to have victory over yourself, you can achieve it.

 

I suggest finding ways to fill your time while she's living her life, also. I've been in plenty of controlling relationships to know that its bad news for both of you. Mentally, you've gotta snap yourself out of it and I'm assuming you only think these things because you have enough time to think about it.

Let her live her life and find ways to live yours, individually.

 

I think you have a strange idea of dating.

You seem to expect more closeness and trust than you should for the point in a relationship that you're currently at, AND instead of even trusting as much as you think should be done, you're paranoid.

So what if she sleeps around? If she does, she does, and you'll find out. Why would you even WANT to be with someone who wouldn't tell you if something like that happened? You need to rethink your whole concepts of trust, and relationships, and general human interaction.

There's two options here, as it stands now:

1, you make a self-fulfilling prophecy because she's fucking smothered and wants out... so she fucks her way out of the hole she's in, and then ditches your ass.

2, she ditches your ass.

In the end, you have a lot more control if you are in a healthy relationship, than an unhealthy one, if that makes sense.

You obviously have what it takes to have a healthy relationship, you've realized and addressed the problem, now ALL you have to do is fix it.

 

This is exactly what happened to me in my relationship. He kept thinking I was cheating on him so I DID end up cheating on him because he was soooo smothering and controlling. The I ended up ditching him.

You might be feeling vulnerable because you care for her so much, but realizing your life outside of her is the key.