I can't get away

So I've been seeing this girl for almost five years. The last couple years or so we have been fighting more and more, and theres certain undesirable things about her that I didn't notice before. I'm at the point where I just want to end it and move on. I've been telling her for the last six months or so that I'm no longer happy in this relationship, and I have tried to break up with her several times, but I can't seem to get away.

One time when I tried she clinged to me and begged and pleaded until she wiggled her way back into the relationship. Another time, just a couple weeks ago actually, I tried to again. She cried immensely, then attacked me, then tried to down a bottle of pain killers (i had to wrestle them away from her and subdue her), then I had to call a crisis line and then the cops because she kept saying she was going to kill herself. This has happened a few times, where I had to call the cops because she threatens to kill herself.

The thing is that she has borderline personality disorder (which is the main reason why I want to break up). She has wild mood swings, is manipulative, has a black and white way of thinking, and is at time "babyish" and unrealistic. She also has severe rejection and abandonment issues. Her and I are like best friends, and for the most part don't really have any other close friends. Her mom is either smothering to her or negilent, never really anything in between. Her dad is uninterested in his family life and never really is around. They both are inconsiderate and mean. What I'm trying to say is that she doesn't really have anyone else besides me. And she needs someone to confide in and be her friend because of her emotional and psychological problems.

One of our more recent fights I told her I wanted to break up, but she wouldn't let it happen. She kept saying we could work it out, but I kept telling her that things wouldn't change. She eventually said that we will just be friends, which would satisfy me not being in a relationship and her having her good friend. I thought maybe it would be a good way for her to dull her feelings for me and possibly move on, but before we knew it we were in a relationship again...

So my problem is how do I get out of this? I fear that if I am an ass and just cut her out of my life then she will commit suicide. I obviously don't want that, I still care for her. I don't even want to cut her out of my life, it just seems like the easiest way to get rid of her. I want to be there for her and be her friend, because she really needs it, and I do also to a lesser degree. But breaking up with her and just being her friend isn't working either, as she just works her way back into a relationship with me.

At this point I'm not being a good boyfriend. I don't really do any thing affectionate anymore. If I do I feel like I'm betraying myself and my feelings. Thats just causing more fights, which is understandable. I feel like I'm stuck here. What the hell do I do?

 

OK...first off, it is not your responsibility to keep somebody alive. Ofcourse it would hurt like hell if she killed herself but it wouldnt be your fault. She is the one who has to make the decision. I know that she has borderline personaluty disorder (and I dont recall if you mentioned this but is she on meds of any kind?? It doesnt sound like she is and she needs to be if her extremes are that bad) but that has also become an excuse for her. When she threatens to down pills and cause a scene she is manipulating you. Yeah, she feels like shit and that is real. However, both of you have to want to be in this relationship.

I'm curious about something.....if she actually got help for herself and got on meds and went into counseling to help modify the extremes in her behavior...would you consider staying with her? If so, maybe you can tell her that. Maybe you can tell her that you care about her so much and want to save the relationship but that she has to get help for herself and take care of herself. You can tell her that you care about her so much and you want her to care about herself too. That way you are not only telling the truth but also making it more positive than saying "I'm friggin tired of your crazy ass and I can't stand this anymore." (For example....I am not trying to say that you phrased it that way). Ultimatley, you do need a break. The past few years have probably been so draining for you and you deserve to have time on your own to clear your head and figure out what you want. Staying with somebody so that they dont harm themselves ends up being harmful for both people involved.

 

I don't think you are stuck. I do not wish to seem insulting but I don't think you are being honest in regards to your own motives in "getting back together". What I am saying is that if she is able to manipulate you it is a codependent relationship.
I would ask of your perception that you are the "only one she has", what do you think would happen to her life if you died?

 

I'm trying to tell myself that. I think I would still blame myself if she did kill herself. I wish that the police would take her to the psychward at the hospital. She needs someone to administer medication to her and to counsol her.

No, I wouldn't. I need to move on with my life. I can't stay put and hold her hand through that. I want to be there for her but I can't put my life on hold for her. It isn't just her extreme behaviour, theres other things about her that I'm displeased with. She isn't on medication right now. Shes suppose to be.

Yes! I've been trying to get a break longer then I've been trying to break up with her. She tells me she would rather just break up then go on a break. Then I would tell her that isn't fair and that we'll have to break up then. But of course she won't allow that to happen.

 

I REALLY don't want her to kill herself. We've been best friends for almost five years. Theres a bit of an attachment there lol. Shes emotionally unstable and I believe that shes capable of commiting suicide. If me not wanting my best friend to die means I'm in a codependent relationship, then I guess I am in one (despite the fact I don't want to be in this relationship).

I'm not sure what your getting at here. Honestly she would probably commit suicide. She has "joked" in the past that we should kill ourselves together just like Romeo and Juliet. As I mentioned she doesn't have anyone else, besides maybe a couple "distant" friends (people she isn't particularly close with).

 

Hey man im sorry i dont have any advice to give, i just want to say i hope it all works out for you, you sound like a good person and im sorry your in this situation and im sorry for your girlfreind too........all the best

 

Thanks bud.

 

Its not your responsibility to deal with her issues. She needs to get help and needs to be in some kind of treatment facility. You need to break up for good. Anyone who threatens suicide when someone wants to leave is being completely unreasonable.

 

How does it help her to leave her actions unchecked?

Dump her, for both of your sakes, and be her friend instead. It sounds like she needs that more.

Make sure to draw clear boundaries and keep them maintained.

 

You need some outside assistance here bro! go visit a doctor tell them everything and see if you can get her sectioned for some help-

This woman is holding you to ransome and its not good, not for you or her.
what kind of person puts that on another? thats just dark and cruel and your gunna end up damaged if you stay any longer. You need some help, you cant sort this alone by the sounds of it..

I wish you luck, love and many years of freedom

xxx

 

You need an excuse to get away. Is there anyway of taking a 'vacation' without her to visit family or go somewhere? Could you get away from her in that way for about a week? Because if you're gone for an extended period, she may be able to see what it's like to be without you, or atleast be forced to get used to being alone for a short period. It may allow her to just experience it anyway.

 

I agree totally unreasonable. That kind of manipulation is murder for a relationship. She needs some kind of behavioural therapy to teach her how to handle situations and deal with life.

This is most likely what I have to do. I've tried but I'll need to be very strict with those boundaries.

I wonder if I am damaged already in someway lol. I've been dealing with this for a couple years now. I've considered going to her doctor, who knows what she is going through, and talking to him about the situation. Maybe I should/can get a reccomendation to have her admitted to a hospital. She will hate me for it but its really for her own good.

Its too bad, I really care for her and I hate to put her through this kind of thing but I need to put my needs before hers. Thank you everyone for your responses.

 

I wish I could take a vacation. Anywhere that I would go she would demand to go also. Especially since shes been bugging me to take a trip somewhere with her.

 

You can try that and if that doesn't work, you really need to wash your hands of the situation. You can be friends with her but I think you need sometime to not be friends or have any contact with her in order to completely break away from the relationship. I really hope you'll be able to do this because you don't deserve to be treated like this and it seems like a total mind fuck. She is forcing you to stay and the longer you do that for her the harder its gonna be to leave.

 

Hey there,

Sorry about the bad situation. I think you mentioned talking with her doctor, and I think that this is a very good idea. Is she seeing both an md and a therapist? Talking to the therapist, if there is one, would probably be best.

Likely none of us here on the forum are trained psychologists. If she genuinely has border line personality disorder, I think this is something that needs to handled by the pro's. What may be good advice in the context of conventional relationships may not apply in full-on psych disorders.

Reaching out to the forum was probably a good first step. You may want to talk to a therapist of your own. Her therapist will probably have an ethical obligation to primarily represent her. Seeing someone on your own would be good to help you understand her and her disorder, and would also help you to see if you have some issues that are integrating with hers.

Getting a book on the subject might help.

Hopefully there is a way that you can deal with this that will keep her safe but also represent your own needs. I hope that it all works out.

 

It's a very, very, very hard thing to do. Most need to take a complete break from contact to be able to maintain such a thing, these days. I see, that you are intent on being there for her, and unfortunately, that is a sacrifice that will make the situation tougher for you.

I would suggest explaining to her, that you care for her, but emphasize how being in a relationship is hurting your friendship, your bond, etc. and try to get her to see that being in a relationship is not working right now, may not ever work, but you absolutely do not want to leave her as a friend.

You need to get her to work with you on some capacity, and for that to work, you need for her to agree with you, on some capacity.

 

*UPDATE*

I just found my way into an "old" email account of hers. Found some messages she sent to some guys on craigslist a year and a half back (we've been together for five years). Also found her MSN contact list had like 18 guys on it she was hiding. Forget her, I'm dumping her today and getting out of the city so she can't harass and smother me. Good riddance...

 

finally, you see sense. Regardless of how stupid she wants to act, never think you have any obligation beyond simply being reasonable. You have been, you tried and it failed, she is forcing you to stick around

use this as grounds to insist she does not want to be with you just as much as you do not want to be with her. The proof is in the pudding, you are a pawn until something better comes along. I wish you all the best, honestly.

 

Run like hell!!!

 

Good luck with your new life- we all deserve to be happy!

Seems you have given enuff time and attention to this lady, time now to work on yourself wiv no distractions

xxx