Dirty Jokes

Discussion in 'Humor' started by Annwyn'Bri, May 3, 2014.

  1. rjhangover

    rjhangover Senior Member

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    A fish in a lake saw a fly flying over and thought that if that fly dropped down six inched he could jump up and get the fly. But there was a fisherman on the bank eating a sandwich that saw the fish, and thought that when that fish went after the fly he was gonna catch the fish. But there was a mouse that saw the fisherman, and thought that when the fisherman went after the fish he'd drop his sandwich, and then he'd get his sandwich. But there was a cat that saw the mouse and thought that when the mouse went after the sandwich, he was was gonna get the mouse. Well the fly dropped down six inches, the fish jumped for the fly, the fisherman dropped his sandwich and went after the fish, the mouse went after the sandwich, and the cat went after the mouse...but missed and fell in the lake. And the moral of the story is...when a fly drops six inches, a pussy gets wet.
     
  2. rjhangover

    rjhangover Senior Member

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    A blonde, a brunette and a red head were talking about their daughters. The brunette said, "I found bottles of liquor in my daughter's shower, and I didn't know she drank." The red head said, "Well I found Marijuana in my daughter's dresser, and I didn't know she smoked the stuff." The blonde said, "I found condoms in my daughter's purse, and I didn't know she had a penis!"
     
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  3. rjhangover

    rjhangover Senior Member

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    Can't remember if I posted this a few years ago, but it's one of my favorites......

    A woodpecker from Montana flew to Idaho to check out the bugs and grubs in the trees over there. He lands in a tree and sees this Idaho woodpecker pecking on a tree and can't get through it. So he flies over and bores through the tree with no problem and they have a big ol' feast of bugs and grubs. Then he flies back to Montana. A week later, that Idaho woodpecker flies to Montana to check out the bugs and grubs over there. He lands in a tree and sees that same Montana woodpecker pecking on a tree, and he's having a hell of a time, just can't get through it. So the Idaho woodpecker flies over and bores through the tree with no problem and they have another feast of bugs and grubs. And the moral of the story is....the farther you get from home, the harder your pecker gets.
     
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  4. rjhangover

    rjhangover Senior Member

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    an 80 year old woman walks in a porn shop and asks the guy at the counter ...."Ddddooo yyyoouu hhavvee ddddiiillddooos?" The guy says "yes all kinds." She said, "Dddoo yyooouu hhhavve aaa ttennn iiinncchh ppppinnkkkk ooonnnne?" The guy said yes. She asked, "DDDooo yyyooouuu kkknnooowww hhhooowww ttoo ttuurrnn thhe ddaammmnn tthhiiinngg oooofffff?!"
     
  5. rjhangover

    rjhangover Senior Member

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    What does a West Virginia girl say to keep her virginity?......Get off me dad, you're crushing my smokes!

    What does a West Virginia boy say to keep his virginity?....Get off me dad, you're crushing my smokes!
     
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  6. rjhangover

    rjhangover Senior Member

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    Elephants have four feet because six inches won't get there.
     
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  7. rjhangover

    rjhangover Senior Member

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    What did Jeffery Dahlmer say to Lorena Bobbit?.......You gonna eat that?
     
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  8. rjhangover

    rjhangover Senior Member

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    Pubic hairs are curly so they don't poke your eye out.

    The last thing you hear before a pubic hair hits the floor......Pft!
     
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  9. rjhangover

    rjhangover Senior Member

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    Why do blondes wear loop earrings?.....Stirrups.
     
  10. puggybear

    puggybear stars may twinkle-but I shine!

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    I was at the bar in the Town & Country Club when a local politician walked up and said "Hello,I'm a Country Member".

    I looked at him and muttered "Oh,I haven't forgotten..."
     
  11. rjhangover

    rjhangover Senior Member

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    Mary Lou said, "Gee Joe Bob, you fuck just like dad." Joe Bob responded, "Yeah mom says that too."
     
  12. Mountain Valley Wolf

    Mountain Valley Wolf Senior Member

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    A luxury liner sinks and 3 men and a beautiful young lady find themselves to be the only survivors to have made it to a small deserted island. The girl finds all three men attractive---but after 3 weeks, she is so ashamed of what they are doing, she dies.

    After another 3 weeks, the men are so ashamed of what they are doing, they bury her.

    After another 3 weeks, the men are so ashamed of what they are doing, they dig her up again.
     
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  13. Mountain Valley Wolf

    Mountain Valley Wolf Senior Member

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    Young Skip--he did like to jest
    when he ripped his sister's vest
    He took one look,
    pushed her into a nook
    and decided to turn jest into incest.
     
  14. Mountain Valley Wolf

    Mountain Valley Wolf Senior Member

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    A honeymoon couple checks in to a hotel at a remote lake resort. The two fellas at the front desk share a knowing smile as they check out the beautiful bride. Once the newlyweds had gotten their key and headed to their room, the two fellas made a remark or two about the action that room was going to see.

    However that evening, they were both dismayed to see the new husband come down the stairs alone, fully decked in fishing gear and a fishing pole.

    The second night, the same thing happened, and just like the first night, he spent most of the night at the lake. Naturally, they were confused over why he would choose to spend the first two nights of his honeymoon away from such a beautiful bride.

    The third night, as he once again came down dressed to fish, the two could not hold back any longer--one of them asked, "Excuse me sir, but you said it was your honeymoon?"

    "Yes," he responded.

    "Well, excuse us for being so forward, but, why aren't you spending the night in your room with your lovely wife?"

    "Oh," he responded, "She has a very nasty case of gonorrhea. I couldn't possibly make love to her."

    "I see," responded the concierge.

    The other fella at the front desk thought for a moment, "But, there are other ways she could pleasure you. Again, I am sorry to be so forward but, is she opposed to doing anything of an oral nature?"

    "No, I wouldn't do that either. She has a horrible case of halitosis."

    "Well..." the first fella responded, "there is always another hole, if you get my drift."

    "No, no," the newlywed responded, "I would never do it there. She's also got a horrible case of worms."

    The two fellas looked dumbfounded at each other, and then the first one said, "Good god, man! She's got a bad case of gonorrhea, nasty halitosis, and a horrible case of worms! Why on earth did you ever marry her?

    "The worms, of course," he answered. "I love to fish!"
     
  15. Mountain Valley Wolf

    Mountain Valley Wolf Senior Member

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    That's all I can think of right now----I had another one on the tip of my tongue, but I didn't ask her her name...


    Oh wait, I just remembered:


    Young Harry had just hired the services of a prostitute and was going down on her. It only took a few moments of eating her out, when he came across what seemed to be a piece of celery. Shortly after that he was spitting out what could have been a piece of carrot. 'That's strange,' he thought. As his tongue explored a little deeper, wouldn't you know it but he came across a couple of peas.

    "Good God lady! Are you sick?!" He exclaimed

    "No," she responded, "but the last guy was..."
     
  16. Mountain Valley Wolf

    Mountain Valley Wolf Senior Member

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    I would like to point out that the last joke, in particular, that I shared---is not mine. I am just retelling someone else's joke. I mean, to go down on a prostitute is just plain over the line.

    Obviously the makings of a joke like that must come from an unfortunate life experience of a whoremonger. Really---who else would come up with something like that? ...and to go down on a prostitute is truly sick. I mean, you have no idea how many guys have been inside of her before you. It is something I would absolutely never do! In fact, I'd advise that if you were the kind of person that was actually thinking of trying out a prostitute, that this is one thing you just should not, even for whatever reason, do.

    Ok... I say that, but then Thursday nights, that's different. You see, with my wife and kids, Thursday night is fish-night, so obviously, thursday nights I go down on them.

    ...and, well, Saturday nights are leftover-nights so--yeah, sometimes on a Saturday night too...
     
  17. Mountain Valley Wolf

    Mountain Valley Wolf Senior Member

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    A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for the absolute strongest drink he has. The bartender pours him a shot and he downs it.

    "Wow! You must have had a bad day." the bartender says, admiring how the shot didn't even phase him.

    The man motions for another one and says, "I just found my wife having sex with my best friend."

    "Oh man! I'm sorry to hear that. What did you do?"

    The man gulps down the shot. "I kicked her out, and told her never to come back!" he said, motioning for another one.

    "What did you do to your best friend?"

    The man gulped down the next shot. "I said, 'That's very bad!' but I've had him since he was a pup so I kept him.



    Here's a very dirty joke from Emo Phillips:

    I went to a bar the other day. I went from stool to stool hoping I'd get lucky.

    But alas, there was no bubble gum under any of them...
     
  18. Moonglow181

    Moonglow181 Lifetime Supporter Lifetime Supporter

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    The Rabbi


    At the regular Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation

    that would pay him more.There is a hush within the congregation.

    No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

    Fred Silverstein, who owns several car dealerships in Newton and Brookline, stands up and proclaims

    "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"

    The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

    Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary

    and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!"

    More sighs and loud applause.

    Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"

    There is total silence.

    The rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"

    Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side,

    while his wife replies: "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, "Fuck him."
     
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  19. Rots in hell

    Rots in hell Senior Member

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    Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one, but after looking through her underwear drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maid’s outfit, and a police woman’s uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not the one for him.
     
  20. Rots in hell

    Rots in hell Senior Member

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    Little Mary turns to her Mum, and says " my hands are frozen", to which her Mum replies "stick them between your legs and that will defrost them"!. Next evening, her boyfriend complains of frozen hands. So she dutifully says "stick them between my legs". Sometime later her boyfriend claims his penis is frozen.
    ...
    Late that night she asks her Mum. Does she know about a boys penis. "WHY" was the reply.
    "Well", said the little Mary." They make a hell of a mess, when they defrost"!
     

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