A woman has been married to her husband for ten years, and for all those ten years her husband insisted on making love in the dark. No matter how much she asked him, he would never turn the lights on. One night she grew tired of this and turned on the light while they were making love, and saw that he was using a dildo on her. She says, "Honey, how could you do this! All this time you've never told me. Explain yourself immediately!!" The husband says "Okay, I'll explain. But first you explain the kids."
not the same kind of dirty but dirty horse must be given a pill in the butt , and two guys are trying to figure out how to accomplish this. One guy has an ingenius idea to take a straw and blow the pill into the horse's ass.....It was a flop, when he tried it, so the other guy says "here let me try," and turns the straw around and tries it. First guy asks him how come he turned the straw around, and 2nd guy replies..."Well, I did not want to put my mouth where you had yours...."
Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team? Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S
Yesterday I told my boss's wife she paints her eyebrows on far too high.. ...she looked really surprised....
I was sat beside a really gorgeous Taiwanese girl on the bus this morning-a real stunner. I kept thinking "Please don't get an erection. PLEASE,don't get an erection" ...but she did....
have you heard about the super sensitive condoms? they hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman. what the difference between love and herpes? love doesn't last forever.
“There’s a reason it’s called ‘girls gone wild’ and not ‘women gone wild’. When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.” – Louis CK
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
A boy says to a girl, "So, sex at my place?" "Yeah!" "Okay, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother, and he thinks we're making sandwiches, so we have to have a code. Cheese means faster and tomato means harder, okay?" Later on the girl is yelling, "Cheese cheese, tomato tomato!" The younger brother says, "Stop making sandwiches! You're getting mayo all over my bed!"
Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
There was an old couple laying in bed. The man turns and tells the woman, "If you want to have sex, pull on my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull on my dick one hundred times."
There is a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis. They are complaining about their lives. The cucumber says, "My life sucks. I'm put in salads, and to top it off, they put ranch on me as well. My life sucks." The pickle says, "That's nothing compared to my life. I'm put in vinegar and stored away. Boy my life boring. I hate life." The penis says, "Why are you guys complaining? My life is so messed up that I feel like shooting myself. They put me in a plastic bag, put me in a cave, and make me do push-ups until I throw up."
Not so much a joke as a REALLY ironic truth,this one; Ready? "Hippopotomonstosesquipadaliophobia" is......... ...the scientific name for the fear of long words! [I have NO idea why or how come I know that.....NURSE!]
A gentleman sits next to a priest on an airplane. He sees the priest doing a crossword puzzle. Time passes and the priest says, "Excuse me, sir, but do you know a four letter word that describes a woman and ends in 'u-n-t'?" The gentleman thinks about this and finally says, "I believe the word you're looking for is 'aunt.'" The priest replies, "Oh, you're right. That fits, too. Would you happen to have an eraser?"
A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it. "That was a honey bee," his father said,"one of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without honey for a week." Later the boy saw a butterfly so he ran over and stomped it. "That was a butterfly," his father said, "one of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without butter for a week." The next morning the family had sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his plain toast (no honey or butter.) Suddenly a cockroach ran from under the stove. His mother stomped it. The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her or should I?
