My girlfriend says I watch so much lesbian porn its becoming an obsession . Or at least I imagine that's what she and her hot roommate talk about in the shower
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window... He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. "Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor? "Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies. He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer." Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"
This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!". The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!!". So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I can't", says the guy. The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight pussy!".
A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"
On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever". She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"
One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire." The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."
I went for a job interview today, the employer said -" whats your biggest fault ?" I said -"probably my honesty". Employer said -"well i wouldn't really say that was a fault !" I said " well to be honest I couldn't give a fuck what you think you fat ****"
I went out yesterday, and had some drink and some drugs. So afterwards, I thought "time for a drive to clear my head". On the way home, I decided to get something to eat. I couldn't find anywhere to park, so I went in the disabled space. I got out the car, did a moonwalk thing, and a staggering somersault before walking towards the shop. Next thing is, there's a cop and a traffic warden standing right by the car. The cop shouts out to me, "Hey now hang on a minute, come back here you! What the hell's your disability". So I turned round, gave them a double V sign and shouted "Tourette's Syndrome. Now fuck off you prick!"
I was just about to post another, but then I realised virtually all of my jokes would be considered "inappropriate" :redface:
Two eggs boiling in a pan , one says to the other " i've got a massive crack" ........ The other said "stop teasing I aint hard yet " ........
Pulled a gypsy bird last night and she asked me if I wanted to go back to hers for a good time , and she wasn't fucking kidding. I went on the dodgems, waltzers ,ghost train and came home with a goldfish!!!
I thought I'd surprise the post lady this morning , so i went to the door naked and put my cock through the letterbox . I don't know what surprised her more, My cock through the letterbox or the fact that I knew where she lives !
What do you call a wheelchair, ontop of a wheelchair, ontop of a wheelchair. Ontop of a wheelchair? Answer? A VEGETABLE RACK!! :leaving:
This is bad... but it made me laugh. The lone ranger and his Indian friend are walking through the desert. When the lone ranger exclaims ''I'm starving wheres that held of cow you promised '' Then the Indian put his ear to the ground and shouts out ''buffalo cum'' And the lone ranger replies ''How on gods earth did you know that'' ''Ear stuck to ground '' says the Indian...
A woman goes into a sex shop and asks the salesmen where the vibrators are and the sales man points to one of the walls so she walks over to them and she sees a very nice and big red one. She asks the sales man "How much is this one?" He replies "It's not for sale, its a fire extinguisher"
A man goes to his doctors and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?" "Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces a proud physician, "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history." So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way. A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street. "Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful!" "Well, I'm glad to hear that," says the pleased physician. "What does your wife think about it?" "Wife?" asks the man, "I haven't been home yet."