My partner of 2.5 years (who I have a baby with) is now 37, he lost his brother tragically when he was 16. The death of his brother is something he has never been able to come to terms with and he has never dealt with his grief. He left home shortly after his brother passed as ‘wanted to leave the pain behind.’ He has never had therapy or counselling in his life and struggles massively to share his feelings about anything deep or meaningful. Today he comes across as a happy go lucky guy but inside he is fighting a number of demons. He never shares his feelings with me about anything and keeps everything locked inside, often I feel like I don’t even know who he is. He is a people pleaser and wants to be liked, he goes along with what ever I say or want as he says he wants to make me happy, but never shares his opinion or worries, which means they often come out later in arguments. Throughout our relationship he has gone on drinking binges where he disappears for 12-24 hours and completely ignores my attempts to contact him, it’s as though he is trying to escape life. He is never able to provide me with an explanation as to why he behaves like this even though it upsets me immensely and has put a massive amount of strain on our relationship. Each time he swears blind he will never do it again but it happens over and over regardless. Recently he did it again and I told him I was leaving him, he broke down and said he thinks he does it to self sabotage as he has so much anger and pain inside that he doesn’t know how to deal with. He lost his partner of 14 years and their 2 children as the relationship was in termoil due to this behaviour. I don’t want our relationship to go the same way, he is a good person who is lost in life and wants help to recover from his loss, learn to communicate in a healthy way and allow people in. He has decided he would like to go to therapy but has no idea where to start or what kind of help to seek. He has arranged a GP appointment (the earliest one is 1May), to see what advice they can offer, although I know from my own experience the GP won’t be a massive help. I am hoping someone out there can provide some advice, help or guidance. Where do we start and how can I help him and us to move forward? Thank you!
You already said in your other thread that you know for a fact he cheated on you during one of these disappearances. It sounds like you're trying to excuse his bad behavior with the death of his brother. We all have to deal with grief in life. It isnt an excuse to cheat on your partner
Grief is horrible.. Ask him about his brother, after you get talking about his childhood.. Make a family photo collage, ask him for a photo of his brother. When you lose someone close to you that you love dearly, it makes you think about your own mortality.. You have to get him to bring his brother back into his life.. Don't cross examine him, just add his brother in some conversations.. you didn't know him, or their relationship, so don't act like you did.. councillor may not be the right way.. But good luck..
I lost my father when I was 8. When I was dating Jane, her 9 year old sister stayed with us for a week and was one of the lovlieyist
I lost my father when I was 8. When I was dating Jane, her 9 year old sister stayed with us for a week and was one of most lovely children I have ever come across. One evening she complained of double vision and she died 3 days later. More recently, another of Jane's sisters lost her 18 month old daughter. Needless to say, we were all grieving, but I simply cannot understand how someone who must realize the fragility of human life can go off from a loving partner and cheat on her. His grief should have diminished over more than a decade, Their is something seriously wrong, but sadly, I think that the loss of his brother is masking a far different personal issue or insecurity.
Grief is hard. And ongoing, like never ending, it just takes different forms as time goes on. I lost my paternal grandmother three years ago and life has forever changed for me. I love those in my life, but there’s a void that I feel every day. I think that your partner is definitely trying to escape his pain in different ways, but definitely not an excuse to hurt you. You can only help him so much, he has to learn to accept his brother’s death and find healthy ways to cope. It might mean alone time away from you, but not for days with other women. I hope things better for you both.
