being "friends" and healing wounds

i finally found the strength and courage to leave my boyfriend for good, because i was so sick and tired of crying. sometimes having nothing is better than having something.

here's my issue; we both want to be friends, i told him i would always be there for him. a week or so after silence, he starts messaging me. after a few little conversations, i get a message about him missing me and telling me how much of hard time he is having. he tells me that he still loves me and all that kind of stuff. i end up replying, spilling my heart out about how hard it is for me, and how much i wanted it to work, and some other really deep things, including still loving him. this message also included a statement about how it's hard for me to discuss these things, and it's probably best that we don't (how contradictory). i ask him if he has anything to say about the message and he says, "i know you didn't want to be with me anyways", which was really upsetting because a) i poured my heart out, and b) that was not at all the case, i wanted to be with him more than anything, but i knew that things wouldn't change and it wouldn't work (which is heartbreaking). i had to do what was best for me. in regards to the discussion of relationship-oriented topics, he agrees, and suggests we work on just being friends.

a few nights ago, he called me. then the following night he calls me, and i answer. he leads the tone by talking to me as if nothing had happened...as friends. no talk of the relationship, or any of that. it makes me feel weird, and sad, but i carry on for 15 minutes of this light-hearted, joking, friendly talk with him about what's going on in our lives. he was even jokingly picking on me like he used to when we were together; it almost felt like we weren't TALKING about the relationship, but we were pretending to be in it or something. it was weird. we talked every single day in our relationship. hearing his voice was a lot harder than i thought it would be. i then almost started to cry, and he could hear it in my voice when i told him i had to get off the phone. he asked me if everything was ok, and it wasn't. i hung up. i thought i could handle it.

he called me twice more later that night to see if i was "ok"; i didn't answer. the next day (yesterday) he sent me a message asking why i didn't return his calls, why i was upset, and if i was ok. we talked this morning and i told him that my feelings are much stronger than i had thought, and that i am still in a lot of pain. i told him, "AT THIS POINT IN TIME, i need to take the time i need to heal myself". i feel bad because we both agreed that we wanted to be friends, and i never said we couldn't be, but now is not the right time...i underestimated the intensity of the situation, and realized that i cannot handle it right now. he responded to my message by asking what my plans for the weekend were, completely ignoring what i said, which was really quite upsetting.

after i hadn't answered his question about my weekend, he sent me another message. what upsets me most is that he said "ok, i won't bother you anymore, i just wanted to be your friend..." he just doesn't want to understand, and i think the reason he was so quick to "pretend" to take it to the friends level was so he could try and get me back. he's gotten me back plenty of times after fights, and i think he still thinks that he can, he's just taking a different approach. he said he will always be there for me and i can call him whenever.

i still want to be his friend, but not at this point in time. i need to heal. talking to him rips the wounds back open over and over again. this is the first time i've been in a situation like this and it's difficult. i don't doubt him calling and messaging me anyways, against my wishes. i don't want him to think that we will never be friends, or that i hate him; it's quite the opposite. i just need time...i need to put me first for once. anybody ever been in a situation like this? any advice? i would really, really appreciate it.

 

I know a guy who is like this. We've never dated but he did like me and I didn't feel the same. I've told him countless times not to call me or text me. I was very nice about it, at first, and he wouldn't listen. He still called me multiple times a day and texted me when I didn't answer his calls. He'd even send messages saying things like "I don't mean to bother you, but do you happen to know any single girls..."

If you've asked nicely and he still won't listen, maybe he would if you were more aggressive about it. Sometimes being nice just doesn't work. Or maybe try ignoring him completely. I know you want to be friends at some point, but he's really not respecting your feelings. He knows how you feel about this and he knows what he's doing is against your wishes.

 

These two things seem to be at odds, and you are light on the details.

Why wouldnt it work?

'i think he still thinks that he can' (get you back) if you say that stuff around him, from his point of view its going to sound like you think you are too good for him, when from your point of view it may be cos you dont think you are going to be able to hold on to him

 

let me clarify. i love this guy. i really do. i WANT to be with him, and i WANTED to be with him, but i know that it just wouldn't work. he is a very broken individual. he is also an alcoholic. i think i spent a lot of time making excuses for him, and even more so for myself.

we have had so many fights; and it's not necessarily just WHAT we fought about anymore, but HOW we fought about it. if i was hurt by something he said or did, or was right about the situation, he just wasn't having it. i was always wrong, delusional, or too sensitive in his eyes. it didn't matter how much i cried; it seems as though no matter what i said, he wouldn't take the time to hear it, and consider the fact that he is a) really hurting the one he supposedly loves, and b) that he may be wrong. it was always a double standard with him. he would tell me that what my family thought was wrong and call them names because they wouldn't approve of him, he would tell me all my guy friends didn't care about me and just wanted to fuck me, and would use allusions of destroying himself (like drinking constantly, or "ending it"), hopefully not waking up, or morbid references to his life being meaningless, to emotionally blackmail me into coming back to him, standing down, or whatever the situation was at the time. and those feelings of his were always my "fault", of course. right?

also, he lives on the other side of the city, and he never once came to see me; i spent the money, the time, the effort; i feel that i was doing almost all the work. he's pretty much a bum.

there are plenty of other things that contribute to my decision, but i'll just let it be. it's a little embarassing, because what must people think when i tell them that i love somebody like this? what does that say about me?

i don't say that kind of stuff around him, and i never would. i don't know...i'm so confused.

 

I was in a pretty bad situation just like yours. We were in a 19 month relationship, and all we did was argue really. She was my first love, and we split up just over a month ago. It was the hardest thing that I have ever done in my entire life, and I will remember her forever. She got a new boyfriend just over a few weeks ago. It was really really hard to deal with, but I kept going strong, I kept pretending to everyone that it never bothered me. But it will bother me for a long long time. You still have a lot of pain to go through, just like me. I never put myself first, just like you were explaining. This 1 time I did, and I got hurt, a lot. But hey, time is the best healer. Keep going strong, and never give up!

 

Little owl, your post almost put me in tears because I know how you're feeling, and I've been there before. People can withstand all sorts of physical pain, there are medications for that, such as tylenol, advil etc...but there is nothing at all that can cure a broken heart. When I broke up with my ex, he mainted contact with me almost daily. He knew I still loved him, and took advantage of my vulnerabality. He would give me gifts, take me out, talk to me and tell me how sorry he was. The more he did this, the more it hurt me. You MUST cut off all contact with him. Do not even let him know you're doing this, because he'll just keep contacting you, pretending to be concerned about you. Just do it. Stop answering his calls and messages. No matter how painful, no matter how much you want to hear his voice, no matter how much you wish things would work out, do NOT do it!! I beg of you, for your well being, please cut off contact. When you feel that you can talk to him without a searing pain in your heart, or reduced to tears, then approach him. Tell him why you cut off contact, and if he seriously wants to be your friend, he will understand. Best of luck.

 

You're definitely doing the right thing here, and this scenario reminds me alot of my aunt and uncle, when they were teenager/young 20's age.

They dated when my aunt was 18, and she had to break up with my uncle because things just weren't working, much like your relationship. It was extremely difficult, but she just ignored him completely. After about a 6 month-1 year period, they randomly bumped into each other...and that solid time apart had done wonderful things for both of them. They ended up marrying and having three children, and stayed happily married and quite in love until my aunt passed away recently.

Sometimes amazing things come out of patience, so be strong with yourself. 1 week is not enough time.