A weird thing happened to me tonight... I decided to walk back to my dorm barefooted. (I go around barefoot outside when I'm at home, but I'd never done it at college before tonight.) Anyhow, I was passing by the dorm next to mine, and there were three girls sitting out on a bench in front. As I was walked by them, one of them called after me: "Excuse me, do you shave your arms?" I didn't say anything... It kind of bothered me at first, because I wasn't bothering them, and one of them still felt the need to sort of mock me and make assumptions about me based on my "shoeless-ness." Mostly, though, it amuses me. I've decided to go barefoot more often. Is there anything (nice) to say if this happens again? (I thought about saying "Do you?" or "I don't know anyone who shaves their arms.")
Depending on my mood, I might have simply walked away without saying anything too. On the other hand, I also might have said, "Hey, wanna see?" and lifted up my arm to show them a hairy armpit. Sometimes people need a taste of their own medicine. Sometimes it's better to leave it alone. How I deal with it depends on the situation and my mood.
I always ask, are you writing a book, are you with the hair police? I go barefoot to college, have for the past 2 years.
Of course I know you were mortified at such an obviously snide remark. It's a common tactic of a bully who knows she or he is backed up by several others, so it gives them false courage to attack someone perceived as weaker - weaker only due to there being only one of you versus three of them. And this false sense of courage bolsters their own ego and self-confidence, because obviously they have little or none of that on their own. But having said that, you mentioned you didn't say anything. I know that sometimes is an excellent tactic in dealing with something like that, but it only works if the perpetrator of the vicious remark has reason to believe you did not actually hear the remark. In other words, the bully made the remark directed toward you but since you apparently did not hear it, it didn't have the effect the bully intended. She or he intended to hurt your feelings. If you didn't hear the remark, then your feelings couldn't have been hurt. So the remark was wasted. In your case however, it sounds like you were so close to them that there's no way they could have perceived that you didn't hear it. Yet you said nothing. They got you. They hurt you and they know it. It's not much different than their having hit you with a stick as you passed. Would you still have said nothing? You should have said something. It's like fighting back. Bullies don't expect that, because they assume you are too afraid of them. I think a good tactic would have been to stop, turn and smile at the one who asked the question and said, "Why, yes. I do [or no, I don't - whichever applies]. Why do you ask?" You'd probably get some bumbling response, something like maybe, "Well, I just thought you might be some kind of retro hippy chick who doesn't shave. You look like one with your dirty bare feet." Here again - if that hypothetical scenario did occur - they are still making an attempt to put you down and humble you so that they appear in control. Don't fall into that trap - so never get defensive - just state your position in a logical and friendly (try) way. Here you could say, "No, I'm not a hippy. I just like to go barefoot. Is there some problem with that?" Bottom line, however it would have gone, saying something back would have been better, imo.
I'm so tired of that crap. Used to happen to me more than now, more about shorts than bf. Strangely, the few who do that now are the rare mouthy old ones who are my parents' age---as in over 80! My normal reply, depending on the situation, is the "full cut," as in totally ignoring them, looking at my list, where I'm going, hailing an acquaintance who I just spotted, whatever. This hangs them up, leaves them in a miserable state of doubt, since a reaction from me was clearly expected. I walk quite fast, so this is easy for me, and within seconds I'm safely away, and can sneak a look back to see the state I left them in. Sometimes, other people wonder if the comment was meant for them, since I've already moved so far ahead. I leave it for them to sort out. My other approach, I muster better now that I'm not quite so young myself, is the brief stony stare. On the rare occasion where a direct face to face is unavoidable, I've used one of those "Oh terrific, the clothing police are starting to get into this now---" or something. Oddly, in this rural state, where I have to interact with all kinds of fellow contractors, including a few hicks, I'm taken very well. But there's an ignorant, even malignant side. There was a bad moment when I was finishing a garden on a new estate, and some of the mouthier men were upstairs, taking a long smoke break from their carpentry. A window was open so I heard the most ignorant talk imaginable. But it taught me all I needed to know about such types. "--he never got any fuckin shoes on---never seen him when he ain't barefoot, what a jackass---he's so fuckin dark he looks like a fuckin Aaaa-rab---" I couldn't believe I was hearing such mind-numbing ignorance. They don't just disdain me, it's the whole world they disdain. I had nothing to lose. The long stony stare up to that window---which was hastily slammed shut. I got even later, but that's another story. This is the darker side of Maine---the ignorance which plagues us. And our normally colorful Maine accent doesn't sound good at all coming from the likes of those. I don't have a good easy answer for you. I've been at this a lot longer than you, but still, if it comes, it's disarming, and usually I was in such a great mood up till then. Can't give them the power over us to ruin our mood. Even if they succeed, can't let them know they did it. I see others' advice here for you is a bit different than mine, but their advice is good, too.
bfrank: I'm actually wondering if they really would have left me alone if I had been with two other barefoot people... three against three... But I think what you said makes sense, about them attacking people because they're not confident. (My sister recently told me that I look so pathetic that no one would ever bother me, but I guess she was wrong...) I didn't say anything to the girl partly because I'm extremely shy and don't really talk a lot. Also because I didn't realize at first that the girl was talking to me. They didn't really hurt me (I've been through worse), and I went on my way barefooted and with my head held high. But even if they had physically hurt me, I probably wouldn't have done anything. Experience has shown me that defending myself from any kind of attack does not help at all, and can actually make things worse for me. I guess it does make sense to say something to them to prove that I'm not afraid of them. The thing is, I don't think I should have to answer questions like the one that girl asked me. It's none of their business if I shave, but if I had said this, it would have sounded confrontational and immature, and they would have made another assumption about me (that I don't shave and am afraid/ashamed to admit it). I think if this happens again, I'll try to say something... (Let's see if I can be brave for once.) P.S. barefoot girl: "are you with the hair police?" = the best.
They would not have said anything in that case. I could almost guarantee it. Then it is possible they did not know for sure you heard the remark, and therefore they did not benefit from knowing - or thinking - they had hurt you. Yes, I understand. But if you respond in such a way that does not seem like you are attacking back (in other words, don't be defensive), then it could disarm them. If you look at the examples I had suggested, I was trying to make it sound like you were just trying to be friendly and accomodating to them. What they said was meant to hurt you or make you mad, but if you make it clear to them that it neither hurt you nor made you mad and you are perfectly willing to engage in a conversation with them about shaving and/or going barefoot, then their snide remark has completely lost its sting. You are absolutely right. It is none of their business. It was an inappropriate question. But, you don't really think they asked you that just because they were curious about that do you? They asked you that question because they thought it would be a good insult. They really couldn't have cared less if you actually shave or not. They saw a girl barefoot, which is probably a little out of the ordinary - a perfect opportunity to pick on someone who would not likely fight back or resist. Behavior like that is a character flaw in some people, imo. So I'm just saying in a situation like that, one way to handle it is just to turn the insult around and treat it like a friendly question asked by a nice person. Such a reaction would have been so unexpected that they might end up at a loss for words. And if you appear friendly and open, it's possible they could actually feel bad about initially being so mean to you (slim chance, I'll admit - but you never know).
nodirectionhome, i understand completely because i was very unconventional in college. i was always barefoot, with a flair for coloring my hair. therefore, i was constantly picked on by bullies. i tried 3 methods of coping: ignoring them, responding with a well thought out remark, or a stare and continuing on my journey. when i was younger, i wish i would have responded more often. by responding you are confronting the bully. this is not the response expected. you remove them from their position of power. as i have gotten older, i respond to the assholes have comments about my barefeet or my daisy duke shorts. when i respond to them, the bully is shocked. he/she no longer has their comfort zone. i know the asinine remarks hurt. remember these are small minded, judgemental people. their opinions do not matter.
Well... I think from now on, I'll try to say something. Whether it's about my non-shoes, my clothes, or whatever. It'll be great to freak out those folks with my answers, especially since they'll probably be subconsciously freaked out by my not being exactly like them. I'll probably be wearing shoes all of the time now, except in my dorm. It's getting cold here, and I'm a southerner. We (or at least I) don't do well in the cold. At all. But once it starts warming up... there will be less shoe-wearing for me. Anyhow, thanks for all of your help and suggestions and such.
Well, after ten years I've never yet heard this one so I'd probably have stopped and asked 'what?', or 'huh?' since it'd take me a moment to see the connection... but here's a snappy answer for next time: "Of course not! But you'll have to excuse me now, I've got to go outside & hug a tree!"
oohh...i got one myrana: "oh shit! im late for woodstock!" XD in my experience, and ive had plenty in the bully department, the two BEST tactics are: 1. laugh with them-it throws them off! trust me, ive done it before! and you leave not feeling as bad as they intended you to. 2. NEVER hold a grudge-ocasionally, if you laugh with them, they assume that you are so comfortable with yourself that you dont care, and this sometimes leads to them actually approaching you and apologizing! when this happens, the worst thing for you to do is to not accept their apology. this can lead to an all-out war. remember, they are people too. perhaps they were not raised right. perhaps making fun of others is the only way they feel secure. if you befriend them, perhaps you can make them see the light of day. there were plenty of girls my freshman year of high school that made fun of me that eventually realized that i was "pretty cool" and some of them i still talk to today. (im in college now as well, but its a community college-no dorm living =( ) ~peace~
Ahh... I walk barefoot around college all the time... I was probebly the only one in my entire university in Arkansas to do it... one in 15,000. I got a lot of comments... sometimes I just give the people that say something the biggest grin they have ever seen, or if they ask me "Where are your shoes?" or so... I tell them that my dog ate them.
