Ok, I just want to get some shit off my chest! I was in a relationship for five years with one guy, Ben. I cheated on him, and even though he forgave me, I thought that I should take some time out from relationships to find out what I really want and become more confident and happy within myself. I didn't want to make him miserable, because I felt like we weren't doing each other much good. Constantly arguing all the time. We hadn't moved in together and he didn't really want to. I wanted more than what he could give to me. I wanted to settle down. I was 25 when we broke up and he was 28. Obviously I wasn't ready for commitment. I started dating a friend, Dan, about six months later. My mum didn't like him as much as my previous boyfriend, but I really liked him. For a long time I had thought about being with him: probably more than a year. He was a strange, quiet guy, but I liked that about him. I liked him so much that I smothered him, got to know him very well. I was over at his place at every opportunity when we were both free. We made each other happy. I gave him as much affection as I could. In the end, I don't know what happened. His friends told me that I pushed him too quickly into a relationship and expected too much from him (he hadn't had a relationship in about 9 years). We were quite happy dating, but once sex came into the equation that's when things started to get emotionally heavy. He said that I had to give him some space to explore himself and his emotions and thoughts. I feel used, because I felt like most of the time I was making all of the effort outside of the bedroom. I don't know if the whole thing between us was superficial or if in the end he realised that I wasn't the girl for him. He was living with his brother, was recently unemployed, but working on projects. Now I feel pretty lost with regards to love. I don't feel like I want to date anyone. I don't feel like having sex with anyone, but at the same time I miss the affection and the closeness I had with Dan and Ben. I wish I could get over them both. I feel sad and depressed a lot of the time. I'm taking some time out for me, to explore what I want, but I'm not even sure anymore!! I don't want sex, but I do. Ben said that casual sex is ok, as long as you don't get attached, but I always do. I've gone back to uni, have a good job, still finding out what job I want. Getting closer and I'm 26!! I feel like I've kind of lost it. When Dan and I broke up, I cried in public, didn't care who saw me. A part of me wanted to make him feel guilty and the other part wanted to feel the pain at that moment, so that I didn't get upset later. Dan said to me that he couldn't give me what i wanted, which was a family, but I didn't think that I was showing signs that I wanted that. He said that it was an experience: that he wanted to explore something with me, and that I should feel happy that we had that experience. I don't know if he was a misogynist know-it-all or not, or if its fair for me to label him like that. I come from a different background to him: a one-parent family and we are relatively poor as compared to his family. I'm still here... 5 months after the breakup getting upset about it and wanting Dan back! I don't think he wants to come back to me. He has some self esteem issues. He says he's glad that we still have the friendship. Sometimes I need to leave his presence because I feel so awkward and upset around him. I really don't know what I see in him. Maybe its because we have similar interests, he's intelligent, generous, talented and kind. My mates have said to meet other guys, which I have, but I'm so scared. I think there's some self-esteem issues with me and fear. I don't know where my life is heading. I kind of do, but I get down a lot on myself. I still live with my mum and probably will for the next few years whilst completing my degree. Dan says to be happy and move on with my life and that we will still be friends no matter what. So confused..... I know I was used and gave in to him too much, without asking much in return. This is what has created the anger in me. He says that he didn't use me - that he's not smart enough to do that. He just didn't know what he was looking for in the beginning to start with, but that he was grateful for the experience. I don't ever want this to happen again! It still hurts me months later: that's why I'm hesistant to get close to anyone. The only option is to throw myself into work and study. My mum is angry with Dan and upset that I gave up on Ben. I think she just wants me to have a baby for her to be grandparent to! Well, if you've gotten this far and been able to tolerate my whingings, THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!
Everything you are experiencing sounds normal. Don't worry, you are only 26. So much time to meet someone, get back with someone, make mistakes and settle down. With every breakup you learn something. This is a rough time, obviously, but give it a bit more time. Everything will be ok in the end, if it isn't ok, it isn't the end.
