Partner Swapping Arrangements

Discussion in 'Free Love' started by Karen_J, Sep 19, 2011.

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  1. Karen_J

    Karen_J Visitor

    For those of you (married or unmarried) who do partner swaps, what kind of arrangements do you have? Do you go to swinger bars to meet other couples? Do you find people online? Do you limit the deal to a closed group of friends? Where do you go to have sex? Are you usually all in one room, or do you separate into couples? What are your ground rules, if any? Are there certain sexual practices or positions that you reserve only for your regular partner?

    As for me and my guy, we only swap with one other couple. We all got STD tested and agreed not to stray outside our group of four, so we would never need to use condoms. The wife was one of my best friends in college, so I know I can trust her. I knew her husband in college too (and slept with him). They went to swinger bars when they first got married, but sexual arrangements between committed couples is something that I never tried in the past. (We were all promiscuous and oversexed when we were in college.) Because of their past experience with this sort of thing, the other couple more or less takes the lead.

    Sometimes all four of us have fun together (including girl + girl action), and sometimes it's just two straight couples on their own. We have met in both houses and also taken weekend trips as a group, and trips as two couples, to the same destination and to separate destinations. We keep changing things around so it won't get boring.

    Another benefit to this deal is that whenever one of the four has to be away on a long business trip, the lonely partner left behind knows where they can always go for a threesome and some conversation. :)

    For a while, our only ground rule was to keep it casual, not letting romantic feelings creep in. But after more than two and a half years, we have all gotten kind of attached to each other. I'm thinking this isn't going to become a problem because we only get together a few times a year. They live a little over an hour away so we could meet up more often, but that might be tampering with success too much. We do keep in touch online.

    The wife recently said to me that this is starting to feel kind of like a group marriage. I don't really know what a group marriage is supposed to feel like, but I think I know what she's talking about, and I agree. It is very comfortable. She has started wearing two wedding bands, one yellow gold and one white gold, to represent her two husbands. She gets a mischievous thrill out of wearing them in front of her prudish relatives and friends, knowing that they have no clue. :cool: Their reaction would be: :willy_nilly: :cuss:

    Only two other friends have been trusted with the secret that we have this arrangement. Too bad we know so few people in real life who would not judge us for doing something fun that hurts no one.
     
  2. Thedawg

    Thedawg Member

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    Karen J your posts are amazing. Actually you are amazing. I admire the way you put yourself our there...revealing your private thoughts (and actions) withour reservation for us to read and learn from.

    I am sure there are many people who are jealous of your life (and who would like to be either the male or female half of your friends).

    So, from the president of the Karen J fan club...thank you.
     
  3. TAZER-69

    TAZER-69 Listen To Your Heart! Lifetime Supporter

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    Not fair, I want to be president!
     
  4. Thedawg

    Thedawg Member

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    Whew...glad I posted first. Isn't Karen J awesome?
     
  5. TAZER-69

    TAZER-69 Listen To Your Heart! Lifetime Supporter

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    Very Awesome...... How about Co-Presidents?
     
  6. bft4evr

    bft4evr Senior Member

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    If she has two "hubbys" why can't she have two presidents?
     
  7. Thedawg

    Thedawg Member

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    Sorry guys...I won't give up any of my power as president. And I can't be voted out.
     
  8. TAZER-69

    TAZER-69 Listen To Your Heart! Lifetime Supporter

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    You was self appointed- I think Karen_J should pick her President.
     
  9. IanKnows

    IanKnows Member

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    I'm extremely jealous...
     
  10. Karen_J

    Karen_J Visitor

    Tell me you aren't my next door neighbor. Or a client at work.
    :leaving:
    Actually, if you were, neither one of us would know it. :) I wouldn't post this stuff on Facebook - even if I was drunk! I don't think there is enough alcohol in this whole state...

    At times, I have been envious of the college friend that I talked about in the OP. In many ways, she has lived the perfect life. She partied her little blond ass off in college, thinking that she would eventually calm down and marry some nice, boring guy, who would consider her "marriage material" because he would have no idea what she had done in school, and she would never confess to anything. She would be bored, but he would be a good father, and her parents would be happy. Maybe she could have a hot affair on the side. Instead, one of her college fuck buddies discovered that she had a super-civilized, classy side to her personality, just like he did, and she could turn it on and off as needed. He really admired that quality in a woman (smart guy!). They fell in love and got married right after graduation. Now they have two beautiful daughters, they still have fun together, and he makes enough money that she doesn't have to work! Now that's a deal.

    Her former roommate used to party just as hard and was even hotter, sexier, and more popular in school, but she's been divorced multiple times and can't ever quite get her act together. Her boys are losers. She's closer to what people expect a college party girl to become when she grows up.

    I'm somewhere in the middle of those two extremes. I didn't have the perfect life all laid out for me on graduation day, but I'm not a train wreck either. I like my life.

    Most of our old school friends have become extremely boring, and no longer admit to ever having a life when they were younger. Or maybe it just appears that way on Facebook. As online privacy vanishes day by day, I think more edgy lifestyle stuff is going back underground, like it used to be.
    :reddevil:
    Who knows what your neighbors are up to behind closed doors? Plenty, I hope. :cheers2:
     
  11. zerojanai

    zerojanai Member

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    This is very insightful and a great read to boot! It does seem like it has the potential to breach into a group marriage; however this is a large step as everyone's futures needs to be considered. Are you open to the idea of a group type arrangement in the long term?

    I must confess that the idea is appealing to me, but I feel like I would worry some about how society would judge the arrangements. Karen, has anyone taken up the threesome offer when one spouse is away yet?


    Mobile
     
  12. dreamsDOcomeTRUE

    dreamsDOcomeTRUE KYTLIVE

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    Do you plan to have children?

    Also I just saw a story similar like this on Trya Banks show 2 days ago
     
  13. Reverand JC

    Reverand JC Willy Fuckin' Wonka

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    This part belongs in the "Embarrassing Facts thread". ;)

    Stay Brown,
    Rev J
     
  14. Duck

    Duck quack. Lifetime Supporter

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    I hope other people join in on this thread.

    We haven't done anything like that, but we are each other's only partners and we are both more than a little bi-curious; so someday, we may explore a bit of extra-credit naughtiness.

    I don't know if it's cause of that, or just the novelty of it all, but I find all sorts've polyamorous relations so interesting.
     
  15. Karen_J

    Karen_J Visitor

    It's just a few days a year, so I'm guessing we can keep that up for years. Maybe a lot of years. Maybe if we make it to retirement age, we could/should live closer. That would be nice, since none of us have large families that will likely be around by then. Two of us were only children from birth, and my only sister has passed away.

    For now, I think everybody is happy with taking one event at a time, and enjoying everything while it lasts. You know how fast life can change.

    Well, they have to know about it before they can say anything.

    The other woman likes to joke around sometimes. When she's with my guy out of town, she's been known to make a few edgy and shocking comments to hotel clerks and waitresses about being on a partner swap weekend. She likes to fuck with people's minds and see what their reactions will be. It's risk-free, since she will never see any of those people again. Most of them don't know what to say, but some tell her they think it's cool.

    When we go in a restaurant in either of the towns where we live, we always sit with our regular partners in case someone comes in who knows us. There is no flirting or controversial comments made where they could be overheard when we are close to home.

    I think she should be more concerned in the long run about what her daughters might say. Right now, the girls only know that we all spend time together and go places. They haven't been told what goes on behind closed doors, but eventually they will get suspicious and start asking more questions. I'm predicting that the younger daughter is going to take the news fairly well, and the older one will go ballistic. That conversation could get ugly. I'm glad I won't be in on it.

    I hope they will be able to understand that their parents have always been open and honest with each other about sex, and have never been irresponsible in the way they handled these things. Well...at least not since college. ;) From day one, I don't think they ever did anything behind each other's backs. They just weren't into monogamy. They ran with a wild bunch. None of us did monogamy.

    Absolutely. More than once.

    No kids are watching anything. The other couple didn't do anything nonstandard when she was trying to get pregnant or while the girls were preschoolers. She was a very dedicated mother. Now, she is very good at finding times when they have someplace else to be, and making the most of it. One time, the first summer that we were together, the six of us actually went to a mountain resort in a nearby state. She had fun activities scheduled for the girls all day long, every day, where there was adult supervision by resort employees. The girls had no idea what we were up to, other than eating, getting drunk (like most of the other parents), and enjoying the lake. She checked on the girls frequently by cell phone. I thought her schedule for the 3-day weekend was a masterpiece.

    The more I think about it, the more I realize that almost any of our (or YOUR) friends or relatives could be doing similar things (past or present) without our knowledge. How is anybody going to know? Whenever anybody is out of your sight, they could be doing anything. Do you know everything your parents ever did when they went out with friends and you were somewhere else? All we know about other people is what we see, and what they tell us.

    Even if somebody called me doing an anonymous sex survey, I wouldn't tell them this story because they know what phone number they called, so it can't be completely anonymous. I'm not the only one who's aware of this, so that means nobody can have accurate statistics on how many people have nonstandard sexual relationships going on. We might all be surprised at the real percentage.

    No. I don't have any interest, and don't think I would be any good at it, to be perfectly honest.

    It's probably a good thing that I didn't see it. :rolleyes: I'm guessing that there was a lot of negativity in that episode. Tyra has a lot of strong opinions about other people.

    I'm thinking you two have been together a long time. If so, a little experiment might work out well. This is definitely for strong couples. A weak relationship would be torn apart quickly.
     
  16. zerojanai

    zerojanai Member

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    This is a fun thread!

    Karen, mind if I ask a few more questions? What is the preferred birth control method for everyone? Are sex sessions typically done together with the four of you, or do couples split off? Finally, for the sake of my curiosity- what is everyone's thoughts on 'sloppy seconds' and are they as enjoyable as they look?

    Care to share a few memorable sessions with the rest of us?
     
  17. Cherea

    Cherea Senior Member

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    This is the first quality I look for in people: the ability to say "no" and "yes" based on how they, individually, feel.

    If you think your girlfriend is luckier than you, or that, you don`t know enough people who are open-minded, count your blessings. Some of us are still struggling to find anyone who`s moved beyond the idea that relationships are tantamount to monogamy. I hope to find like-minded friends one day. :2thumbsup:

    One more comment about society and children; I never really understood "coming out", TBH. Unless you behave like a PDA monogamous heterosexual couple, why should anyone know?

    As far as I`m concerned, my sex life is my business. I keep it private, and whether or not I have kids and neighbors, or whether or not they "suspect" anything, I would be happy to tell them to stick their nose somewhere else and leave them wondering.

    Enjoy. :)
     
  18. Thedawg

    Thedawg Member

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  19. Vanilla Gorilla

    Vanilla Gorilla Go Ape

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    The brain of a child works a lot faster than an adult. This woman you are talking about, just because she may have grown up with traditional, monogamous boring parents and didnt pick up on anything when she was little, as there was nothing to pick up, doesnt mean thats the same with her kids.

    The kids know, just that it gets interpreted as whats only relevant to their world. They know that when this other couple are seen, they get sent off to something third party, a babysitter, child care, other activity. Get it in their heads that maybe thats cos the other couple dont like them, or even that mommy likes those friends more than them, or usually that mommy gets jealous if they get more attention than her.

    Those kind of associations - and whats really going on in there heads is impossible to get at, especially when they are too young to communicate properly

    Plus they'll just pick up on body language and temperament, how parents react around the other couple compared to how they react around other grown ups etc etc.

    She was a very dedicated mother? Thats your view, might not be the kids, dedicated relative to who? More dedicated to all the other mothers? You are talking about your best friend so there is no doubt an amount of bias there.

    And especially with little dudes, a dedicated mother, not necessarily all good, and you've seen them, mums wipe guck off his face with a hanky, and he's like errr mum get off me, and especially if she does it in front of his friends already embarrasing him. In his head, in his world he's not thinking, oh she's a dedicated mother

    Anyway, they know, they just dont want to know, or dont give a shit, its only how it affects their world. And all that unconscious stuff gets imprinted, a memory surfaces a decade later, why did mommy or daddy do such and such, then its clicks....oh gawd, I dont want to know
     
  20. Vanilla Gorilla

    Vanilla Gorilla Go Ape

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    Anyway, as for the actual subject matter on hand

    Remember back when you were a teenage girl KJ, you had some older guys that were all pervy with you, some that were really sweet, some that were angry/cranky at you, some were mean

    Straight guys never saw the pervy ones, they were never a teenage girl and they never paid attention to guys in that way anyway

    You never saw the pervy ones that looked at smartly dressed teen guys that way, you've never been a stunningly handsome teen guy ;)

    So as a teen girl you could see ahead, give a rough estimate of what percentage of say guys in their 50s are the pervy type. Whilst all guys around you as you are growing up are clueless to that.

    So what do you think the straight guys could see all along that you were clueless to?

    Lets say for argument sake, they are the jock in high school, all muscly, roughly 10% of teen girls are pervy, but they can see when it comes to women in there 40s its pretty much almost all of them looking at them like that. When no one else can see that. What do you think there real motives are when it comes to who they marry, when they marry and why they marry?

    What about us? What do you think we could see all along that no one else could? What do you think our motives are if we can see early on, well that pretty much all guys end up bi anyway, or that most girls will get to a point where its not even possible to stick to one guy.

    Whats the difference between pervy, angry, sweet and mean? Its pretty much the opposite of what you think, if you had a granny that put on the wholesome act for the kids but was extra sweet, it only means one thing, that she gets regularly nailed by a handful of gentlemen friends, some being her best friends husbands. But that cant be true cos old people dont have sex.....well either that or once you've got one foot in the grave no one gives a shit anymore about everyones opinion and you might as well fuck each other stupid before you all keel over
     
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