Advice please! A bit of graphic detail within - sorry! And sorry for the long post but I have Aspergers and lack the ability to summerise. Oh God - I've messed up! Quite badly this time. I need advice from people less pathetically niave than me. Basically I've been in online relationships for a while - ugh - there are many long and boring previous heart pourings on here about them, with some great advice given back. I am not really able to do face to face relationships at the moment, as I am a full time carer for my mentally ill and elderly parents and have no time off. Anyway - the last couple weeks I have been going out - meeting new people face to face, that I have known a while online. I've had an amazing time, and they all have been wonderful about my conditions. One of them was a friend I'd known online for a while - we have a lot in common, and get on great, but as I am not over my german guy despite the fact that he is, and continues to be, a total jerk, and the fact that I simply don't fancy this guy friend, means I am not interested in anything other than friendship with him, but he says he has fallen for me. He is such a sweet man, who would do anything for anyone if he thought it would make them happy - but that is also one of the turn off qualities for me in terms of a relationship - he just isn't a strong enough man for me, and has told me he has a sexually submissive streak. He is also a highly sensitive man, but has been badly hurt by his wife (he's just divorcing, I've helped him with the solicitors so it's not just a tall tale), and said he intends to leave her and jump straight into another relationship - he has implied that he wants that with me. I have told him it isn't going to happen as I just want friendship. Anyway I got off the train the other weekend, and was instantly filled with dread. He was waiting on the platform with a red rose, and bear hugged me, jumping up and down excitedly that he was finally meeting me. It was very sweet, the first red rose I'd got from a guy, ever! But the red rose thing actually bothered me.... We had one day and one night together, and I know I did a very stupid thing and agreed to stay at his place, but told him lots, we are friends and nothing will happen between us. The day passed pleasantly enough, but I was always on guard, because there was always this weird undertone of him wanting to be more than friends, and I was very worried about him trying something with me. It was like I didn't quite trust him, but I ignored it thinking I was being confused because the Aspergers does that to me, and I made sure I enjoyed the day, and I used the word friend and buddy soooo much! LOL! Then after being shown around places all day which was great, we got back to his around 2am. I sat on the sofa, and he sat on the other end and we watched tv. I ignored his "you can snuggle up to me if you want. I've been told I'm comfy" comments, and at one point, he dozed off and then reached over and stroked my palm down to my elbow, slowly - it was a very sexual move, and I hated it and was filled with instant resentment. My german guy had stroked my palm and my belly was an instant explosion of butterflies and I gasped aloud, and thought my head would implode with lust, but with him I felt pure anger that he should touch where german guy had touched me and without my permission - an over reaction I know. I immediately shifted and put my hands in my lap, and snapped his name at him crossly. He apologised immediately. I intended to stay awake all night, but was so tired I kept dozing off on the very end of the sofa, waking only to find him watching me sleep with a smile of affection on his face. Then I woke up one time, to find him holding my hand. He was snoring, and I carefully prised my hand away and prayed for daylight so I could get the train home. He cried a lot when I left, with him proclaiming the day to be one of the best of his life. I just couldn't wait for the train to get going. I loved the company - just not his feelings. He said next time I visit, that we can sleep cuddled up together, so he can keep me safe from my violent night terrors - and I felt sick. I was abused by a peodophile as a child and this is what he had said to me the first time. Not at all my friend's fault just the way it is. I told him it wouldn't be appropriate and wouldn't be something I would like, or do. To be honest - the stuff back at his place with him watching me sleep (for over half an hour he said repeatedly!) and something he said at the train station when I was leaving - creeped me out. Now we come to the real problem. I face major surgery in a couple days that may worsen the quality of my life instantly. I have been swinging emotions, thoughts, feelings of lonliness and desperation to feel loved, and stuff, and then my hormones decide to kick in. Last night I got so desperately horny. He needed a friend, as he had a bad time, and had come online to talk, as we have done a few times since my visit. We were on cam together chatting as usual, and as his bad feelings dissapated, and we were laughing and just relaxing, suddenly I noticed the talk had turned to sex, then I admitted I haven't been intimate physically with anyone, and didn't want to be (I didn't add 'with you'), and the convo turned no-sexual. Somewhere along the line, a little while later, the next thing I know is, we are having cyber sex on cam. I actually didn't like what I saw (nasty to say I know, when I usually like watching guys), because his just wasn't an attractive 'member' to me, but I just couldn't stop myself. I was in real conflict with myself, while my body was just getting on with things. I didn't really say anything, just watched and played, and came very hard several times. It was physically what I needed so badly, but totally wrong in every other way. Afterwards we chatted for a while, and then it started again. This went on for 12 hours! I'm exhausted! Then at 9am we finally said goodbye, but by 4pm we were talking again - he called me and I didn't look when I picked up - and another hour of playing ensued over the phone. OMG!!!!! WTF IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!!????!!!!!! I felt bad while doing it, but I couldn't stop myself reacting to his sound and his voice. I just really don't want this with him at all. I'm angry and appalled I wasn't stronger in my mind and body. Scared at the hurt I think I may be causing him. And then afterwards during him talking to me, as I was incoherant from cumming so much and so hard - he asked if I'd been fanatasing about him too for ages. I was too blissed out to answer properly, and moaned back - I now realise that he took this as a yes. I feel horrible and wish it had all never happened. He talked of coming to see me for a week after surgery. I said it wasn't a good idea, and then said I wouldn't sleep with him. We talked on, and that's when he confessed to me that he has been diagnosed a while ago with a sleep sexual dissorder that was quite bad. I am shocked, and scared, and horrified, that he was wanting me to sleep in the same bed as him, the first time we met, when he knows about his disorder! He isn't a small man in physique, and I don't know if he would have been able to stop, or me to stop him! It was like an instant zero-ing of any trust I had for him. And a little voice in my head said "You should have listened to your instincts". But I have just spent the last day in bed, on cam, being intimate with this man. I could cry! He just sent me a phone movie of himself touching and cumming again. He is sooo happy at this new step up in our relationship. Said I've made him so happy. I just feel horrible at how I could have let this happen. I don't want to hurt him - so how do I let him down gently???? I just want to turn the clock back and go back to being friends. I don't know how to do that. Any advice appreciated! Im a very stupid and niave person at the moment.
Firstly I'd like to say that your post was a mission to read, but I did it. Next, it's obvious that you are not over this German guy, so by going on cam with this other guy you just lead him on. I've been in a similar situation (trying to make someone that seems to be more than friends become just friends), for me it was achievable by just plain distancing myself. This guy seems like he actually needs time away from women after he divorces, jumping into a relationship right away just makes him look desperate for interaction with another woman. Keep telling him he has no chance with you and that you have feelings for another man. If he loves you he will want what is best for you, even if that means not being with him. Good luck!
Co-dependency is awesome...leave the webcam guy alone, be straight with him and tell him you are not attracted to him. Maybe he will want to stay friends, but I doubt it. You leading him on is not cool, playing with his emotions. He sounds a bit whacky...no pun intended. But, co-dependency is about 2 whack jobs IMO. I think you need to ask yourself why YOU keep in contact with this dude. On some level you must be getting something out of this, even if it's not something healthy.
I don't understand when or how it turned sexual. I really don't. I mean - we've never ever ever been sexual before - not even talked about it, yet chatted on cam many a time, as I have done with many people, without being sexual. I have always been honest and told him I don't want a relationship with him, been perfectly blunt with him about it in fact. I thought we were just friends, and that 'out of it' I was getting much needed extra support and friendship, to help me before my surgery, and basically a great friend for the long-term. All his friends around him are using him in one way or another, and he would give away his last penny if he thought it would make people happy. I am the first person, he said, that wants nothing from him but friendship. He talks to me about his ex-wife, as much as I talk about German guy. I've told him frequently, when he gets the final papers through - he needs to spend time alone to re-discover who he is. I now don't think he listens. I have ignored today's calls. I guess I am just going to have to distance myself from him. Thanks for the responses.
I could get that tattooed on my forehead. I can't think of a single event that wouldn't describe down to a T for me. lmao, life, huh?
Thanks guys. Faelixx - I actually laid it all on the line to this guy, after a couple of days of stopping contact. Told him everything up front and honestly, and he was actually deeply apologetic and nice and understanding, and super wonderful about it all - he is going to make someone the most wonderful and doting husband.... just not for me. Funny how you can meet someone so apparently perfect in every way, and yet, not feel anything other than friendship. The best thing of all - is that he has said he will still support me through the surgery, as all my other 'friends' are engaged with their own lives, providing I help him with an internet dating profile afterwards, as he has dyslexia. He said he knows we are just friends, but he is really fond of me, and I have to allow him the grace of time to adjust his deep feelings for me, into friendship. But he does want to date someone when his divorce is finalised, so I am to help him when I'm back on my feet, as I know him very well. Surgery is on this Tuesday (22nd June), so I am all wired with stress, and super emotional, and delicate, and he has been sending me regular text messages and emails in the day, of supportive messages, and been online in the evenings, so if I needed to cry, or hear something other than the stress buzz in my head, he has been there.....although it is a weird feeling when he start crying with me! lol. I am being careful not to abuse this, by spending too much time with him, or fall into a dependent cycle like I did with my best male friend, with the first op date, that went on to be cancelled. I took it for granted he was always there, and got hurt when he wasn't. Now he has a girlfriend, he is (as he should be) spending his time with her. I am just not allowing myself to fall into that same cycle. And so far, so (surprisingly) good. As for German douche - he's so done. I still have feelings for him - it's been an amazing journey with him - but he is in all honesty, a first place, prize winning idiot. I will support him through his own upcoming surgery, even though he is nowhere to be seen for me right now, as I am a better person than him, but after his recovery is over, I'm done, and I will have an honest chat with him and drop the contact. I may even quote you Faelixx! Lol! Thank you everyone. You are brilliant and wise, as always!!!!
