At the bottom of a psychedelic

Discussion in 'Psychedelics' started by neodude1212, Feb 24, 2010.

  1. neodude1212

    neodude1212 Senior Member

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    The silence roared over Allyne as she took and held in her dying breath. A tidal wave composed of confusion and fear hit her, and she stood up, alarmed and disoriented. Everything around her began to launch from a familiar deadness to a slow statically vibrating reluctance that grew and grew like an engine climbing from an idle. Allyne felt as if she were inside of a TV set to channel zero. The room began to take on an foreign quality, even though her eyes still reported to her the same images they did only moments ago. There was a still eeriness, everything was commonplace and in touch, but something seemed off, like a museum or library or chapel or some other great sky-reaching place located in a dream. The light of creation opened up to her vision, neon dots and colors playfully bantering with her mind while they imploded into geometric shapes. They formed a fractal to infinity, but she wasn't tricked. She watched but did not enter, it was suddenly apparent to her that to see a fractal at any point is to see it at any and all points, so there was no need to enter as she was staring at infinity in the right here and now. She always had been. Upon analysis of the feedback of the interpretation of the information being received by her senses, Allyne's brain concluded that it was dying even before Allyne was conscious of such an analysis. Allyne stood up, her friend in the chair next to her tried to hide her laughing behind a trembling hand, and increasingly grew more and more quiet. Her body seemed to be nothing but an uninhabited statue of her former self. It was some alien, unrecognizable thing. Ceaseless breathing, heavy and labored, recycled itself over and over in Allyne's world, it was all she could hear, besides the restless humming, the vibration of reality, the dance of existence, which was so intense that she felt as if she were in the presence of a nuclear explosion, and her flesh broke out in goosebumps as she suddenly realized that she was a part of all of this just as deeply ingrained and unable to remove herself anymore than a stitch of fabric in a blanket could. Whereas others would not have reached this level, Allyne's ever present anxiety, her fear of the world and it's potentials, her sad fate that she could only feel safe when she was alone, these things propelled her headlong into the explosion that she was a part of. Her friends laughed while she looked death in the face, and they didn't even know it. Allyne's stimulation had reached a climax, she felt simultaneously sickened and thrilled with everything in the world, it was all nothing but a huge sandbox, a paradise for play. But also a cage; and she saw the cage, it vibrated, there was a patchwork of molecules extending forever and ever into every direction, every dimension, with no escape. How could she ever feel safe again? Suddenly, a voice belonging to a surrounding presence rang out inside her mind, a voice composed not of sound waves, but of the cymatic result of them, of shapes and emotions, and shapes composed to represent emotions. "Choose", it said, and Allyne realized what she had been doing her entire life. She had been holding on for dear life. Desperately attaching, her psychological need for survival ingrained into her by countless millenniums of evolution had finally revealed itself - she was attached all the time, she had never let go. And now a voice had said "Choose". Immersed in clarity, she saw the choice clearly - the continuation of attachment, or the chance to let go and become immersed in the clarity that allowed her to see. She whispered to herself "Let it engulf you." Metaphorically, she had been swept up by a tornado, and there was only holding on, or relinquishing control, becoming part of the winds of the cyclone, and being scattered everywhere to become everything. The clarity seemed so frightening in it's finality. Her stomach hurt, but it felt like watching a stranger suffer. She felt sick, she gagged and then coughed and from a distance she watched her own mind play with the self-created emotion of embarrassment before casting it aside. The presence surrounded everything with patience, not loving, not hating, but with an incomprehensible mix of order and chaos, sheer insanity. It seemed to continue to exponentially rise without any limit, climax, or peak until Allyne felt as though she should not make eye contact with anything in the entire world, even the back of her own eyelids, out of sheer shame. Tears welled up in her eyes and it became apparent that she never had any real choice at all, she never had and she never would. Just as the oxygen atom doesn't resist becoming bonded to the two hydrogen atoms, she understood that she would resist immersion and continue to fight it, just as she always had. It was such a very basic human need, her pseudo-existential need to feel safe and be her own being, even though she was not, would always overwhelm her, and the choice that she thought she had would forever be a joke. The presence of the ecclesiastical stranger began to fade, the "choice" had been made. Everything began to return to it's familiar quiet, sound waves returned, the humming ceased, the reverberations of concrete, well-defined noises replaced it. She could hear her friends laughing. Allyne walked back over to the couch and sat down, suddenly surrounded by psychological blackness. Birth had been relived, reality welcomed her back to it's prison. Everything was dark, she wondered inside her own head where God was, what she was, and how Vivaldi could compose such beautiful music in the face of all of this.

    Later it would be obvious that she truly did want to see what was on the other side of that choice, but that she never would.
     
    2 people like this.
  2. thedope

    thedope glad attention Lifetime Supporter

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    Thank you.
     
  3. spiralout23

    spiralout23 Member

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    That was awesome neo!!
     
  4. TopNotchStoner

    TopNotchStoner Georgia Homegrown

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  5. Mr.Writer

    Mr.Writer Senior Member

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    Allyne = neodude? (allyne = anybody, i know, but you know?)

    wonderful read :)
     
  6. neodude1212

    neodude1212 Senior Member

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    A long time ago, in response to the first time using salvia (which is what this is about) I wrote a short story about my experience and I made Allyne up to represent myself. She's female because I felt like portraying my experiences from the perspective of a woman was the only way I could truly capture the beauty of it all and be honest with my emotions. I guess society and it's gender roles has fucked me up that profoundly lol.
    Anyways, that story was basically a whole beautiful, transcendent "I'm enlightened/You're enlightened/We're all OK" kind of thing.
    I guess I'm at a point now where I consider that interpretation to be false, it isn't what really happened, it's more of what I wanted to happen because of all the lies and bullshit in psychedelic culture, and after I learned and grew more I figured out how to be secure and honest with myself. So I wrote this to capture what truly happened, for better or worse, nihilistic or not, and to destroy "Allyne" and that interpretation that she fabricated for herself so long ago. :)
     
  7. neodude1212

    neodude1212 Senior Member

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    Here's the original "happy" version for anyone who cares (before I turned into a demon lol)

    The silence roared over Allyne as she took and held in her dying breath, like a tidal wave of perplexity and confusion, undulating and slowly retreating as waves of understanding and perfect perception took their place. She looked around the room, and knew what it was like to be insane. Insane, in every sense of the beautiful word. What had moments ago been a dull and nonliving room had instantaneously been replaced by a static dynamic that was impossible to describe. She could feel the air buzzing, whispering in her ear. The patchwork of molecules that formed the fabric of existence tirelessly vibrated in their constantly shifting gridlock with all the intensity of a restrained nuclear explosion. She cleared the smoke from her lungs and stood up. Running her hands through her haphazardly strewn black hair, she started at the heavy tingling perception in her hands. As the sensation spread throughout her entire body, a knot of fear suddenly coiled up inside her belly, and she lowered her hands expecting to see her hair in them. There was none. "Energy", she thought. She shivered and it made her feel so comforted and alive, as if she were standing in a shower and warm water were running down her back. Vibrating as vividly as the rest of the room, she wondered how everyone could have deceived her this whole time. How could they have kept her from the truth, how cruel of them to leave her in such a deceived and ignorant state, when all of this was to behold; how could they? It would only be until roughly 30 minutes later that Allyne would realize that they themselves did not know. Turning to the closet on the far side of the room, she understood that she was facing God. A presence that functioned from all standpoints opened up to her, and Allyne realized she was having a conversation with herself from within herself and without herself. Her body hummed as the silence grew in volume; the universe opened up to her from every faucet and light poured into her innermost sanctuary from every corner of every junction of every synchronicity, all interwoven into a grand cosmic spell that threatened to engulf her in it's one-dimensional magnitude. Becoming her namesake, her pale face radiated as the stars, and she tilted her head back and closed her eyes, breathing and being. Extending herself, the heels of her feet left the ground and she balanced on her toes as a conflagration of horrible beauty casually swept it's way through the wasteland she had called her mind, leaving a fertilized ethereal landscape for life to begin anew. Sitting back down on the couch, she looked over at her friend, finally joining in her laughing as the last bittersweet revelation of life unfolded, and Allyne thought to herself, "I am".
     
  8. Mr.Writer

    Mr.Writer Senior Member

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    the choices we have before us are constructs of the words we speak to denote our perplexity

    i offer this priceless gem or worthless bauble; there never was a choice

    only frothy water
     
  9. thedope

    thedope glad attention Lifetime Supporter

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    Or there is only one choice and it is ours.
     
  10. pr0ne420

    pr0ne420 Senior Member

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    I love you guys. Neo, thats really cool man, sparked many association in my head.
     
  11. boguskyle

    boguskyle kyleboguesque

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    very nice :) i like the fractals part
     
  12. Magical mystery tourguide

    Magical mystery tourguide Senior Member

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  13. porkstock41

    porkstock41 Every time across from me...not there!

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    this may be the greatest post i've ever read on HFs - in 6 years.
    bravo
    write a book. i will buy the 1st copy

    (i must spread reputation)
     
  14. Magical mystery tourguide

    Magical mystery tourguide Senior Member

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    maybe if it was in paragraph format it'd be a tad easier on the eyes?
     
  15. aydinerro

    aydinerro Member

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    Under psychedelics, there is no format.
     
  16. porkstock41

    porkstock41 Every time across from me...not there!

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    bumping this awesome thread
     

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