I'm gay, but is my friend?

Hey,

It's going to be exciting for me to start a forum career with what I imagine is going to be an enormous post.

I'll throw in a brief background about myself, or at least my sexual orientation. I haven't completely thought about it yet, but I think that I have known that I am homosexual for at least two years. There have been a number of things that have never really left me time to think about it, I guess. One of those factors is that I have been opposed to dating in high-school since I entered it. The funny thing is that I have never actually felt attracted to anyone previously. Or, at least, not whatever the kind of attraction is that makes one desire to enter a relationship with someone. I've certainly been able to tell whether or not people (both sexes) are attractive to the eye, but I have never felt as though I've wanted to date someone else.

That is, until about two months ago. I'm not really sure what did it, to be honest. I've been friends with him since eighth grade, and best friends for a year or so. For one reason or another, we started hanging out much more during the summer, and this habit seeped into the school year. I started feeling attracted to him in that relationship way around the end of September, and that is coincidentally when I had a long chat with one of my other best friends, who's a girl. She's amazing at hatching things out, and, although I virtually knew it at this point, by the end of the discussion we concluded that I was definitely gay. Who knows why it took me so long to have feelings for someone else, however.

There are numerous trivial events of which I should probably take note, but I'll just cover the main points for now (and elaborate later, if necessary). Basically, I have been attempting to figure out if my friend's gay for the past six weeks and some. That girl friend of mine told me a week or so after I had that chat with her, and after I told her that I was interested in my friend, that she had suspected that he was gay for over a year. On this subject, she has batted perfectly thus far; she called that someone else at our school was gay last year and he came out a few months later. Ironically, she called that I was gay at the beginning of this summer and she was (obviously) proved correct.

Anyway, I'll go over why I think that he's gay in a bit, but something else that I need to point out is that I came out to him last Friday after a movie. It was miraculously not awkward, which I figured it would be, and he was interested in whom I had told and such. Originally, I had prophesized that he might come out to me if he were gay. He didn't, but he also didn't say that he's straight. The next morning, however, he emailed my girl friend (because he knew that I had told her) and outlined that he's heterosexual. That's all that she told me about the email, and it was pretty devastating when I found out.

Now I'm here. I'll presume that you've figured out that I haven't given up on the quest to determine his sexuality. I have absolutely no reasoning as to why he would tell her that he's not gay, if he is actually gay, though hopefully you will have ideas in regard to this development (other than he is actually straight; although, if this is your opinion, then I'd also like to hear that). Other than that, everything that we have analysed has pointed in the singular direction, that he is indeed homosexual.

Of all the time that I have known him, he has never said that he's had a crush on anyone, for one thing. There's little crap like that (such as not having a declared orientation on Facebook, like me - sad, I know, but I'm throwing it in), but there's a lot of other characteristics. We walk essentially shoulder-to-shoulder everywhere, and I don't initiate this; there's always insane eye contact between the two of us (and other friends have picked up on this), while sitting and standing (and walking), he appears to have very little of a "personal bubble" with people (particularly guy friends), prior to his knowing that I'm gay, he frequently brought up obscure gay references with me (like noting to me out of the blue that New Jersey recently approved gay marriage); my girl friend noted that his intonation changes when he talks with me, even though I'm no expert in this field; and he also comments about the looks of male rockstars, if the subject comes up.

There's some other things, too, but I don't want to keep rambling. I think that the main characteristic is that feeling... something that tells me to keep questioning, or the feeling that he is gay. Also, is it weird that he wanted to hang out soon after I told him that I was gay? I thought that it was, because I figured that if someone were told by someone else that he or she is gay, then the two would feel awkward around one another for a few days or more. I'm glad to have his friendship either way, because he's either gay (which would be fantastic), or he's the most accepting and amazing friend who I know.

I think that my question here is, from what you know, do you think that he's gay? I could keep elaborating, but I feel a bit embarrassed about how elongated this post is. If you have any thoughts about this situation at all, please tell me. And if you think that he is gay - why doesn't he just say something? It has only been a few days since he found out that I am gay, but it should be obvious that I like him.

Anything that you have to say, or questions that you have, please let me know; because I am dying to know what's happening with him, as soon as possible.

 

Well, first of all - how old are you?

And let me tell me I'm in a situation similar to this and it's completely draining. Don't stress yourself out over this.

If he told your friend that he's not gay, I would take it from there. He could be gay and wrote that to hide it (I obviously don't know what it said, exactly), but why would he do that? Why wouldn't he just not say anything?

 

I'm eighteen. And yeah, it's just a completely stressful situation and it's tough to remain productive in other areas.

I know that how I haven't given up is probably just sad, and that my hope that he is gay is probably just far-fetched at this point. I think that my problem with him saying that is that it just seems so implausible and counterintuitive to his actions. I mean, I'm certainly not an expert at all... but there's just something that seems completely off about it. But, who knows. I'm probably just going to have to continue and see if he ever says anything. If he doesn't, then I'll know the truth.

 

I know exactly what you mean, and it's not as far-fetched as you think it is. The part that sucks is that only time will tell. Hang in there...

 

Exactly.

I spent about a year trying to convince myself all the ways my friend could be gay.

I still think he is, but I've moved on. It's his deal. If he wants to tell you, he will.

It's an awful situation.

 

I guess that it's not an uncommon situation! Great.

I've essentially reasoned that I'll have to wait it out. The only way that I'll ever be convinced in one way or another is if he tells me his orientation directly, as he still hasn't done so.

 

to be completely honest with you, i think there might be a good chance that he is, or atleast open sexually to the idea. from what information you have given it seems to me that he is possibly indecisive...if you give it time, and remain observant, the answer will come, perhaps hes not entirely comfortable just yet. perhaps he hasnt really taken the time to confront whatever it is that he is feeling, and your coming out has set his self discovery in motion. i know that i have been wishy washy and inconsistent with what i have said from friend to friend, i would chose one answer for one friend and another for another...i did this for thier best interest and mine, and perhaps because i wasnt compeletly confindent in what i was saying....

just give it time. its looking up to me. good luck, i hope all works out for the best

 

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It seems like a gay right of passage to have a high school crush on a charming straight friend. I won't detail mine, but to say he was (is) the coolest and most open straight dude I have ever known and who now has a wife and 3 kids and never had a gay fling. There might have been a time when we could have, but I'm glad we didn't.

And in high school when our relationship was the most intense, I now believe it was like he was playing at a relationship. Not a gay relationship, but in a safe way, he was exploring how it felt to be in love with someone. You see, he could look long at me, and if I rejected him, he wouldn't be hurt, well, because he was never going to "feel that way" about me. But he could go through the motions. He may have felt that I was doing the same thing. And at that moment he may have been a little bit gay. But it wasn't going to happen.

Your friend told your girl he was straight. He didn't tell you to your face. Maybe he didn't want to hurt you or the good thing he is exploring with you. A platonic love affair, if you will. The way I look at it, he decides if he is gay, straight or otherwise, not you. And if you are his friend, you need to respect that.

It is possible he is giving you these signals because he really likes you, -- as a human being and a dear friend. He might be giving you the attention he thinks, or perceives, that you want. You flirt. He flirts back. Gee, that's fun. You write his name a thousand times in a notebook. He jacks off to a photo of Jenna Jameson.

Take him at his word. You can ask him if he's straight and what that's like. But, for the sake of the friendship, you may need to check your deeper feelings at the door along with your coat.
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Well, I cannot possible answer that question for you. But, I wanted to say don't feel bad or silly posting. What your feeling is 100% normal! I had the same thoughts about MY friend, and now we are lovers. Nothing is impossible. That said, I hate to see anyone linger and long for something that can never be.

I agree with the possibility he is not ready to come out, or that he doesn't even KNOW himself yet... it's a BIG step, as you know, to come out with it! Depending where you live, what his family is like, etc, it can be doubly terrifying!

Honestly is usually the best policy in my opinion. I would probably give him some time to think about what you told him, but I am certain I would eventually just flat out ask.

It's an important time in both your lives- you're blessed to have eachother, however it turns out

 

First, I just want to say thanks to all of you for responding. It's been a great relief to be able to hear more opinions about this subject, and I love all of the different perspectives.

Part of my motivation for coming out to him specifically was either to see if he would immediately respond (if he were gay), or that it would at least spur the thought, so that he could determine it within himself if he is gay, and ultimately react; similar to the feeling that he caused within me (unless he were already thinking about it). Also, melodius, in regard to the issue of altering responses about one's orientation, I already know exactly with whom I would have to change my response if I were questioned; thus, that's part of why I didn't think that it was out of the ordinary for him to say that he's heterosexual to my friend. (Of course, he could be, so it's all circumstantial.)

Hipunk, thank you for your input. I think that it's especially important that I remember that no matter his orientation, he is an amazing friend, and I shall respect him greatly because of his openness no matter what happens. At this point it's technically in his court to proceed, and if he chooses not to do so, then I won't hold it against him.

Starlite, seeing everyone's responses has helped me feel better about posting. As I have said, this is a completely foreign feeling for me, and it's not an issue that I can bring up with just anyone - this forum has been excellent already!

I also agree that if he is interested, he might just not be ready to confront those feelings, or he never had a particular spur to do so. That was the selfsame situation in which I was situated until recently. It's ironic that I might end up asking him directly if he is gay and/or interested, because it already took a ton of courage to tell him that I'm gay. Hopefully, he'll make a remark this time, in either direction.

 

I hope things work out that he is! But either way, keep us posted on what happens and write all you want.

 

Here are the possibilities as I see them.

1. He's straight. He wants to be your platonic friend. He might not be sure how to handle having a gay friend, hence the question of who knows that you're gay.

2. He's gay, but he doesn't want to deal with it. If you ask him, you may not get a completely honest answer and it may make the friendship supremely awkward at best. One rule I live by is to never ask a question that I don't really want the answer to.

3. He's really uncertain about his sexuality. That could mean that he's bisexual, or he just has some uncomfortable ideas and attitudes about sex. Things will sort themselves out sooner or later, but it's his call to make.

 

Be very careful, I've been in situations like this before. When you have feelings for a friend like this, it is common for you to try and find reasons to convince yourself that they might be gay or bi. It's possible that he is, but make sure you look at the evidence as dispassionately as you can. I spent ages convincing myself that a friend was gay. Things like eye contact, touching etc seemed very convincing at the time but it turned out that I was making something out of nothing.

 

I do not need to restate what has been posted previously. I echo the comments of the above posters. You have received my sound advice as to how to proceed. I was in a similar situation in my teens. Proceed carefully, because he may not have come to terms with his sexuality as of yet.

However it turns out, you are very fortunate to have such a enlightened friend.

Good luck to you baby. Please keep us inform as to how everything works out.

 

I have a friend who lives on my hall who was terribly in love with this boy she met through some friends. They hung out all the time, and soon became best of friends and told each other everything. After a while, we convinced her to tell him what she felt for him, but he said he wasn't interested in dating anyone right now. She spent the entire summer dying for him, and when we came back to school, he told her he was gay. This was something nobody had called, no one at all. And this was after he spent forever and a day arguing with a gay friend of mine about the ethics of homosexuality. My point in saying this is that it happens to everyone, absolutely everyone, that you develop a crush on someone who isn't interested in your gender. It's happened to me many times (the thing about bisexuality is you have double the chances of falling in love with someone who doesn't want to be with you). I wish you the best of luck with this situation, though.

 

Good advice from all I think. If you guys are really pretty close as friends you might just wanna talk about how each of you responds to someone you are attrached to and why. If you lead in the conversation tell him he has qualities you would also like in a lover and what those qualities are. Explain how you are very sensitive to a persons orientation and that his freindship is the most important thing to you. Allow him to discuss how he is attrached to people and why. It could be a good chance for him to talk in a safr discussion. If he has gay or bi feelings give him room to express them before exploring them. If hes straight love him for just who he is and how he is. Good luck and love to both of you.

 

I would enjoy having a dialogue like that. I mean, I doubt that I could ever initiate it, or at least not now. I managed to tell him that I'm gay, which was a big step, though. Perhaps with time I could bring that topic up; he has only known, after all, that I am gay for about two weeks now. Having that kind of a discussion would be a great alleviation in terms of my psyche, though. Thanks for the suggestion... I hope that somehow that conversation will start, and hopefully I'll try to commence it some time.

Thanks again, everyone, for the suggestions. It seems that there's a general consensus that it's all about patience at this point, because only he actually knows, and if he is gay, then how he reacts is for him to decide. Now, back to typicalities....

 

So, I don't have any notable updates in either direction. The only thing is that we have only been hanging out more and more often, regardless of if there is school on that day or not. I don't think that I have ever been around someone so much during the school year, and I love it.

Anyway, we also seem to be growing closer, in terms of how much we share with one another as well as physically. I'm trying not to project on too many things because I know that he could just turn out to be a very open and secure person. We still have the frequent eye contact and generally better demeanour around one another thing happening. A couple people with whom we are friends have asked that girl friend of mine if we're gay, not in regard to just one of us, but to both of us, as if we're dating.

For the future, I guess that what I'm wondering is if there is anything else that I could do that is more obvious in terms of flirting. I really don't want to cloud my judgment at all, but I really can't imagine him being anything but bi or gay; even if he's still unsure of it himself. Either way, if I flirt enough and he figures out that I like him (unless he already pieced that together, in which case, I don't know what that would mean), then I know that he would handle it positively regardless of his orientation.

That's my update, thanks for any help that you might have to give!

 

Has anyone been in this situation and had to resolve it themselves? I mean, should I just figure out some way to directly tell him that I am interested in him? Or, should I just ask him if he's gay? I think that it's mutual, and either way, I know that we could work through any kind of tension that might be caused if he's not gay/interested. I just would really like to know at this point, I don't know how much longer that I can be in the dark with this issue.

I have no idea how I would ever bring it up, so if you have any suggestions, then that's fantastic.

 

On Tuesday I decided that I had had enough of all this, and I resolved to just tell him that I have feelings for him. We don't have school tomorrow, so I gave him a ride to his house after school and right before we arrived at his house I pulled over the car and just told him outright.

He said that he was extremely flattered, but that he's not gay. It's depressing, but I finally have closure and I do not have to think about his orientation any more, although I imagine that I'll have lingering feelings for him for some time. As a result of his reaction, though, I can assuredly say that he's the best friend who I have, and probably the most mature. I mean, god... he just said that it shouldn't be treated any differently from a guy liking a girl, because it's all attraction. He also said almost immediately that he wouldn't let this damage our friendship. After we talked for a half-hour or so about it, we shook hands that we would ensure that we wouldn't let this harm our friendship at all. He's gone this weekend, but we're hanging out on Monday to talk some more.

I'm so happy that I just told him, even if typing this is extremely hard and yes, I am crying as I do so. But they're honestly tears of reckoning, out of the beauty that I have seen: that someone could be this accepting, it's so beautiful. I know that telling him will allow me to move on and hopefully my life can resume the balance that it formerly had, with time.